Boundary Maintence

February 2017

“We change our behavior when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Consequences give us the pain that motivates us to change.”
― Henry Cloud

A letter to those I've had to set up boundaries with:

I don't hate you. I don't see you as an enemy. Someone once coined the phrase "EGRs" (extra grace required) when interacting with some people. I try to reflect God's grace when I see you, and every day I pray for you.

Maybe we had a big falling out over something kind of dumb. I was trying to protect you and a mutual friend, but I went too far. You saw it as an attack and began to attack me.

Maybe you weren't supportive during a crisis and criticized me instead. If you aren't willing to stand by my side during the darkest days of my life, why do I call you a friend?

Maybe I told you something from my past and instead of believing me, you questioned me and doubted me and then made excuses for what happened.

Maybe you turned our friendship into a political debate. Being friends means putting differences apart and not forcing your opinion on your friend.

Maybe your daily selfies on Instagram, posts with 30 of your best friends, and bragging about your grades and popularity lowered my already low self-esteem.

Maybe you always said the wrong thing at the wrong time. You never thought about what you were going to say, but instead just blurted out whatever was on your mind.

As someone who battles depression and anxiety, taking care of my mental health is at the top of my list of priorities. If I'm not mentally healthy, nothing else I do will be healthy. When I start to see negative effects in my mental health and self-esteem, I take a step back and ask myself: what is causing this? Sometimes it's a person. Believe me when I say setting boundaries hurts. Part of me wants to "fake it until I make it" and avoid conflict, and part of me needs to set a boundary.

                   Boundary: a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line

I set up boundaries to protect myself and take care of myself. This is something nobody else can do for me, and it's something that I don't have to apologize for. You might not understand or you might deny everything I say, but the truth of the matter is this: somewhere along the way our friendship changed and it began to have a negative impact on me. I'm not placing blame; it could easily be my fault. Part of setting my boundaries means deleting you from Facebook and SnapChat and unfollowing you on Instagram. Different from what society says, deleting you on Facebook doesn't mean I hate you. I would actually like it if we could smile at each other in class or at church. The glares, eye rolls, and whispers to your posse of friends only make me feel worse. I do have a lot of guilt for setting boundaries, and this is something I'm still trying to work through. While we won't be talking every day or sharing details about our lives, we can still be civil human beings who know each other. The beautiful thing about boundaries is that they aren't permanent. Maybe I just needed some distance for a semester to internally process and pray about our friendship. I've never cut you off. If we have been cut off, that was your doing. Yes, I miss the good times we shared. The meals we ate together, the coffee and study dates, the late night talks, the laughs over inside jokes, and the feeling of friendship. But what you have to understand is Henry Cloud's quote at the beginning of this post: the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of changing. Setting that boundary was something I had to do to keep myself healthy.

So no, I don't hate you. I don't wish bad things on you, and I certainly don't view you as an enemy. Setting boundaries is okay, in fact, I think it's a healthy thing to do. To anyone out there who is struggling with this issue, I leave you with these words. Be able to stick up for yourself, know your worth, and have faith in your own choices. Do what you have to do to keep yourself healthy and never doubt yourself.

It's Not Over Yet,

Sarah :)

5 Things I've Learned in 5 Semesters

January 2017

Hello blog readers! I am currently preparing to start semester six out of eight. What?! I still don't know how that's possible. It seems like I just started college as an itty bitty freshman. So much has changed since my freshman year. During my five semesters, I learned so much. Yes, I've learned all the science and every single detail about nutrition and metabolism, but I've also learned a lot about college in the process. So I have for you, five things I've learned in five semesters:

5. Don't stereotype people

Not all engineers are nerds who can't socialize. Not all design majors dress like Vogue models. Not all dietetics majors are competitive--actually that one is true. Not all girls in sororities are stupid; I know that's hard to believe but I know a chemical engineer major who loves the sorority life. They do exist! The point is, somebody's major doesn't define them. Their major doesn't shape who they are, what they believe in, or how they act.

4. Sleep is so important

In college, people love to brag about pulling all nighters to study as they chug their RedBull or large coffee. This is SO stupid! These people are almost always a wreck the next day. Ignore the advertisements on campus for the library being open 24/7, free coffee from midnight to 6am, or breakfast at 2am in the dining centers. Get some sleep! Your body will thank you for it and you will be able to perform better on exams if you're rested.

3. Be yourself

There are lots of pressures in college. The pressure to conform to society is intense. I noticed it myself during my freshman year. I noticed I was talking differently than I did in high school (thanks to being surrounded by people only my age) and it was hard to find time for family and friends back home. Eventually I "re-found" myself and realized it was okay to be myself and go to bed at 10pm. It was okay to not always be with someone or to not always be texting someone. It's good for the soul to be submerged into the college environment; you really do find who you are.

2. You won't find your future spouse on your first day

THIS. IS. A. LIE!!!! I don't know who came up with this dump myth, but it's not true. I never want to see the first guys I met at college ever. again. On this topic, drop the expectation to find your husband/wife at college. Just because your siblings did that doesn't mean you have to! If you find yourself getting down on yourself for only having three semesters left with no future spouse in sight, remind yourself why you started. For me, I went to college to become a registered dietitian and feed babies. Any mention of finding a spouse in there? Nope. That's not why I came to college.

1. Your friends will change

Someone told me this as a freshman, and I didn't believe them. However it is true. Looking back, there are three people I met freshman year who I still keep in contact with and talk to a regular basis. Some friends I just lost contact with once we didn't have class together. There was some pretty nasty fights and conversations with other friends. I've gone through seasons of life where I realized I deserved better than how some friends were treating me. Each semester, new friends have been brought into my life and I always feel like I've known them forever. It's completely natural for friendships to drift apart. It doesn't mean it has to be sad or bring you bitterness. Cherish the friends that do stick around though because those are the true gems.

One more thing to add: if you ever get discouraged or want to quit, reconnect with your freshman self. Remember how excited you were and how pumped you were to learn about something you're passionate about. Take a trip down memory lane and look through your freshman year album on Facebook. Rediscover that excitement during this temporary phase of life.

Keep on keeping on!

Sarah :)

Freshman Year, 19 years old, notice the lanyard...

Sophomore year, 20 years old

Junior year, 21 years old