Hello friends and blog followers! It's been quite a while since I last posted on here; I've been busy! Here's a quick update before we dive into this post:
I just finished a great first year of college! I am studying Dietetics and Child, Adult, & Family Services, and I absolutely love it. I've met some incredible people and learned a lot. It took me a while to adjust to living away from home, but I finally got the hang of it. I'm already excited for the Fall 2015 semester to start!
I had the opportunity to go across the pond to England over spring break with my English class. I had so much fun! England has so many gluten-free options, and I didn't even get "glutened" on the trip. My class and I went to Exeter (southwest England), Dartmoor, and London. It was amazing to see all the famous landmarks that I've dreamed of seeing since I was little. This trip was very triumphant for me; I was able to prove to myself that my health can never hold me back from doing anything.
So that's what I've been up to since my last post. Now to the actual reason why I'm posting. Most of you have read my previous posts and/or are familiar with my very long health history. Writing this blog was a therapeutic way to accept what was happened to me and learn to appreciate all the blessings that came from it. If anyone is reading my blog for the first time, a quick overview is: celiac disease diagnosis in 2011, gall bladder removed in 2011, trip to hell and back (a.k.a University of Iowa hospital) in 2012, hospitalized in 2012, diagnosed with IBS and gastroparesis in 2012, healthy in August of 2012, sick again in April of 2013, diagnosed with gastritis in 2013, and healthy again in September of 2013. That's a lot of time spent not feeling well, hanging out with doctors and nurses, tests and procedures, and a lot of health conditions to manage. A completely reasonable question to ask would be, how did you cope with all that?! All my strength and energy comes from God, and I put my trust and life in His hands all the time. God has blessed me with supportive family members and friends who have helped me survive. He has also given me the best medical team anyone could ask for. He has given my doctors and nurses wisdom and compassion to help me overcome and live with all that I have. Even though I do have four chronic digestive disorders, I feel well probably 80% of the time. So why am I posting on here again? What else could I possibly have? Well, it turns out my current health struggle isn't a physical struggle.
After spring break, I began to notice some unusual symptoms that I naturally matched up with what was going on in my life. Fatigue. College is exhausting, but I felt more fatigue than usual. I dismissed this as returning from the trip of a lifetime in England, taking organic chemistry, and heading towards the last month of freshman year. Joint pain and muscle aches. I was running up to four miles, but minor injuries over time caused me to not be able to run as far anymore. I had twisted my ankle running and didn't let the injury heal properly before running again. That caused minor knee problems. Once again, I didn't rest and got shin splints. Weight gain. With gastroparesis, I feel no hunger and I feel fullness quickly. Because of this, I don't really eat that much. Add in my very active lifestyle and you get a skinny girl. Nothing had changed with my diet or lifestyle but yet I was constantly gaining weight and my clothes weren't fitting the same. Constipation. I like to keep this blog as honest as possible so sorry if constipation isn't your favorite topic. Due to IBS and gastroparesis, I drink a good amount of Miralax every day, but I noticed that the amount of Miralax I drank was getting outrageously high, over 50 ounces a day. Mood swings and sadness. I easily dismissed this symptom as a result of the fatigue, not being able to run, and all the frustrations that come with college classes. I was also experiencing a gastritis flare which made the fatigue even worse and my stomach hurt every time I ate. How did I handle all this while attending classes, keeping up with homework, and studying for finals? Once again....God.
When the semester ended and I was finally able to decompress at home, the symptoms seemed to get worse. Of course, who wouldn't be exhausted after their first year of college? Who wouldn't feel sad because they missed their friends from college? I kept telling myself that this was all normal, and there was nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, my mom was keeping track of the symptoms I had reported to her and was looking on the Mayo Clinic's website. All the symptoms in bold above matched perfectly with the symptoms for hypothyroidism--a condition where the thyroid gland doesn't produce enough hormones. I have been seeing an endocrinologist since the summer of 2011 when my first pediatric GI doctor did blood work to determine why I wasn't feeling better. My thyroid levels have been on the low side of normal but nothing to worry about. Hypothyroidism runs in my family and is common in people with autoimmune issues, such as celiac disease. I just so happened to have a check up with my endocrinologist coming up. I was starting to feel miserable. The fatigue and sadness were really bringing me down. I had lost interest in doing anything; I just wanted to lay in bed. The appointment finally arrived and I presented all my symptoms to my doctor, who ordered seven blood tests. My mom and I anxiously awaited these results. We had already self-diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and now we just waited for the blood work to confirm our diagnosis. The blood work came back the next day but was a major shocker. Everything was normal. No thyroid problems whatsoever. I immediately started to freak out because I figured there was another worse problem. WebMD came up with lupus, fibromyalgia, and the plague, just to name a few terrible diseases. My mom made an appointment for the next morning with one of the pediatricians who helped me when I was sick. My usual doctor, Dr. S., was on vacation but Dr. El., another great doctor in the same practice, could see me. I went to the appointment expecting a few hours of blood work, x-rays, and who knows what else. After all, lupus or fibromyalgia would probably be tricky to diagnosis. Dr. El. went over the blood work from the endocrinologist, asked a series of questions, and did a physical exam. When he said that he wasn't going to do any more blood work or tests, I didn't panic because he's so thorough that I knew I could trust him. Dr. El. then explained how the symptoms I had been having were also the same symptoms for low serotonin levels. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that helps with moods/happiness. The more Dr. El. talked, the more and more I realized what I had been struggling with some mid-March. I finally realized the emotions I had been struggling with weren't normal. It wasn't normal to cry for no reason in your room for two hours. It wasn't normal for something totally random to make you burst into tears. It wasn't normal to feel so much anxiety that you can't breathe when someone doesn't text you back right away. While sitting in exam room with my mom and Dr. El., I finally felt relief. I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I wasn't crazy. There was nothing physically wrong with me. Dr. El. explained that depression and anxiety is very common in people with a history of GI issues and "responsible students". Dr. El. prescribed an antidepressant that is commonly used to treat depression and anxiety. He warned me that I could endure 7-10 days of feeling worse before I could feel better, and it might take anywhere from 2-6 weeks to start seeing a difference in how I felt. I'll skip the fascinating science of the medicine and get right to the main point: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety on May 21, 2015. I am depressed.
The medicine is being a pain in the butt as it is making me feel worse. So far I've woken up with anxiety attacks twice, had anxiety attacks throughout the day multiple times, feel like crying more, lost my appetite, feel dark inside, and feel even more tired than before. These anxiety attacks are really starting to take their toll on me. Describing one of these moments is difficult to put into words. During an attack, I often feel very shaky, scared, and helpless. My stomach is instantly upset, and I feel like throwing up. It's hard to focus on anything, even though I try to force happy thoughts into my mind. Sometimes one of these attacks is brought on by a thought about the future, but most of the time it happens for no reason. It's always worse when I'm alone and don't have anyone to distract me or calm me down. Occasionally the feelings will fade as quickly as they were brought on, but other times some of the feelings stay with me for the rest of the day. Tomorrow marks one day on this tiny white pill that makes me miserable, and I can only pray that I will start to see some improvement soon.
I do not like the label of being "depressed". I prefer to call it chemically challenged because that is actually what is happening inside my brain. This depression and anxiety isn't my fault; it's basically a side effect of my digestive issues. I definitely do not like the social stigma that goes along with not just depression and anxiety but any other mental health issue. When you think about it, the only difference between depression and celiac disease (or any other disorder I have) is where in the body something isn't right and what it affects. Our society acts as if depression and anxiety are unspeakable when in reality it's common. I may not want to openly discuss this new health issue at the dinner table because it can be difficult to accept and understand let alone talk about it. However, I wanted to write this post for several reasons:
1) Therapeutic: as I said earlier, writing this blog really helped me recover mentally and emotionally from everything that happened to me with my health, and my hope is that writing this post will do the same.
2) Knowledge: I feel like I'm hiding a dark and dirty secret sometimes by not talking about this diagnosis. While I would prefer to not discuss it in depth in person, I do want to be 100% honest whenever I can be.
3) Awareness: depression and anxiety are more common than people think. Everyone has heard of it but knowing someone with it brings it closer to home.
4) Prayers: if you're reading this and feel inclined to do so, please pray for me. This is not going to be an easy battle to fight, and I definitely can't do it alone. I have seen nothing but support and love from my family and friends, and I am beyond grateful for that.
Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this,Sarah
