"Quiet! Be still!"

October 2016

Mark 4:35-41:

 That day when evening came, He said to His disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took Him along, just as He was, in the boat. There were also other boats with Him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!”

Junior Year
First off, I don't know how I'm a junior. After this semester, I only have three semesters of my college education left. Yes, that is absolutely terrifying and kind of exciting. I've been spending the first nine weeks of this semester thinking about and processing everything that has happened since I came to college. There's been a lot of pain, confusion, hurt, and sorrow. I was distressed over thinking about what my memories of college will be when I leave in May, 2018. Would I be able to think about the laughs, great opportunities, amazing friends, and fun experiences? Or would I only be able to focus on the negative things that were said, the friends who walked away, the dark days, the endless anxiety, all the panic attacks, and the pain from other people's sins? After the first week of classes, I came to a very heartbreaking and troubling conclusion: a terrible sin had been committed against me freshman year. Realizing thing led me down a dark path of depression, fear, panic, shame and doubt that rocked and shattered my world. How could a God who loved me enough to die for me cause something horrible to happen to me? As I cried out to God, He seemed very distant. I asked Him for guidance and for even a small sign that He was still with me, but all I heard was nothing. This made me seriously question my faith. I didn't take comfort in reading the Bible or listening to Christian music. I found myself feeling angry towards God and resenting Him like I never had before. This caused even more panic and confusion. Did I still believe in God? Was He still involved in my life?

Two of my sweet connection group friends

Thankfully, I have an army of friends who know and love Jesus more than anyone else. They were able to encourage me, pray for me, and remind me of God's truths and promises. I am involved in the Salt Company through my university. Salt is a very large (we're talking almost 2,000 students) Christian ministry. It meets on Thursday and then there are smaller groups (called connection groups) that meet in dorms/apartments on campus and off campus. Sophomore year, I was involved in two different connection groups that just weren't the right fit for me. I wasn't able to truly share my struggles with my mental and physical health without feeling judged and unsupported. So obviously, I was very hesitant to join a connection group this year. I told one of my dear friends about my worries, and she recommended a group that meets at the on campus apartments. I didn't really want to go, but I knew falling away from Christian community would make my life even more miserable. As it turns out, this connection group is literally sent from God. I've only known the 10 or so girls involved in the group for nine weeks, but I feel so supported and loved by them. I have shared about my struggle with doubting in God and those struggles were met with pure love, support, and encouragement. Having a loving and stable environment to go to every Monday evening has helped me so much! Another part of the Salt Company, is the famous Fall Retreat at a campground. This year's retreat was my first time going. Again, I didn't really want to go, but felt I should. I get very anxious and overwhelmed in large crowds so I was worried about that (since 900 students attend this retreat!), and I would be away from my emotional support animal Roger all day. The retreat brought in a speaker and there was four sessions over the weekend. During a very loud and rowdy game of volleyball, I got super overwhelmed and needed to find a quiet place. So I found a place under a big tree and started reading the passage from the morning's session on fear. The passage came from Mark 4:35-41. The story of Jesus calming the storm is very familiar to me; I only learned it 400 times in Sunday school. While reading through it, I began to see a lot of similarities between this iconic story and my own story.

Jesus' and His disciples were in the middle of a storm (called a squall in this passage) in the middle of the ocean. I can only imagine there was lots of lightening, thunder, rain, and huge waves. I think we can all agree that they were probably very scared. After all, this storm could potentially kill them. So where was Jesus? He was sleeping on a cushion. His disciples were confused; how could Jesus be sound asleep when everyone was about to drown?! So they take Jesus up, asking Him if He cares if they drown. Jesus then tells the storms to be "quiet! Be still!" and the storm obeys. Then Jesus asks His disciples why they are so afraid and asks if they still don't have faith? The disciples are in shock that even winds and waves obey Jesus. I am definitely in the middle of a storm. For me, the storm isn't thunder, lightening, rain, and wind. It's fear, hopelessness, doubt, anxiety, confusion, guilt, and anger. For eight weeks, I felt like God was sleeping. I didn't feel any connection to Him or comfort from Him, and that terrified me. Just like the disciples, I questioned my fate and God's plan for my life. Was He just going to let me "drown" in the storm?

"Quiet! Be still!"

Right after I discovered the connection

this passage and my own story

All Jesus has to do is tell the storm to stop. When He asks His disciples why they were so afraid, He also asks if they still don't have faith. The word "still" really stuck out to me. I've been through a lot: six years of managing seven chronic physical conditions and three mental conditions, I almost lost my grandpa three years ago, family conflict, friends leaving me, and the challenges that have come with going to college. But guess what? I'm still here. God has brought me through all of that and more. So why am I doubting Him? If God can get me through all of that, what was making me think He couldn't bring me through this?

"Even the winds and waves obey Him."

Water is the most powerful force on earth. Jesus is so powerful that He can calm waves in the midst of a storm! Spend a few minutes and try to wrap your mind around that. The point is, if He can calm the most powerful force on earth, surely He can calm the storm that is raging inside of me.

After reading this passage and reflecting on how it applies to me, I was filled with unexplainable hope and confidence in God. I felt like the thing that I had been missing for the first eight weeks of school was finally returned to me. Throughout the rest of the retreat and on my drive back to school that night, I couldn't stop smiling...even though half the time I was crying because I'm just an emotional soul who cries at pretty much anything. I can't express enough how impactful the Fall Retreat and my experiences within the Salt Company have been for me. God is absolutely working wonders through all of this, and I'm eternally thankful.

At the Salt Company Fall Retreat with my connection group

Living That Chronic Illness Life

August 2015

Well my friends, I think this is going to be as good as it gets. From what I've read, there is no magical cure for depression and anxiety. It's something you have to manage. Hmmmm...does that sounds familiar to you? Celiac disease. No cure; manage it with your diet. IBS. No cure but meds to take the pain away; you still have to manage all the lovely side effects. Gastroparesis. Definitely no cure; eat smaller meals to manage it. Gastritis. No cure; manage it by taking pills to reduce acid. Depression and anxiety; no cure but be observant to what makes you worse, take medication, and try a slew of natural remedies. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). No cure; learn how to avoid your triggers for management. Notice a theme? I think sometimes we focus too much on getting rid of the problem. However, some things in life we can't just get rid of. Realizing that every single day I manage the symptoms of seven chronic illnesses, it's no wonder that I'm so exhausted in the evenings. I read in one of my "self-help books" about how much energy a person uses fighting illness. Managing chronic illness is exhausting. What gives me comfort is that my body is used to managing things that aren't right in my body. Recently, I've had very good days! I don't burst into tears over nothing, and I haven't been too anxious to leave my house. There are still "bad" moments though, especially at night. Is that any different from managing IBS? I've had good days where my digestion agrees with me and then bad days where I swear I can literally feel my colon clamping down. A huge blessing that has come from my health journey is my body's ability to cope and manage. That's why I love this quote so much:

 

I know I can survive anything. I've often given myself this pep talk before. I'll say to myself, 'if you've had your stomach cut open and your gall bladder removed, you can take this organic chemistry test.'

 

One thing I want to make clear is to never let what you manage control your life and who you are. I drug two containers of Miralax and extra prescription medicines across the ocean to England. Nothing is ever going to stand in my way. Not my health, my medicines, my restricted diet, or my past is going to keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. This determination combined with the ability to survive anything is pure power, and it isn't just for me. No matter what you've been through or what's happened to you, you have the ability and skill to survive. Even if you don't feel like it, I can promise you it's there.

(or man!)

 

So embrace yourself! Even if it seems like nothing is going your way, your situation now is preparing you for the future. Life is going to take unexpected turns, but you will always have what you need to survive. Just stay positive. I could easily complain about how much I hate my life (which I do sometimes, when I'm having a bad day), but every day I have a choice to either stay inside and take pills or bring my pills with me because I'm managing these chronic illnesses and I'm still out there swinging. There came a time when I finally accepted my health journey. It look a long time, and there are still aspects of my health journey that I want to fight, but it's in the past and I've become a stronger person because of it. Eventually I will accept my mental health diagnosis as well, and I'll become accustomed to managing the symptoms, just like I've had to do in the past. The key is recognizing what you have to manage and coming up with ways to manage it.

 

All of what I just said is easier said than done. Some days I feel very overwhelmed with everything that I have to do to manage my chronic illnesses. Other days it's a breeze. It all goes back to managing. Not every day is going to be perfect or the same as the day before. I try to take one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I put my trust in God because I know He has a plan for me so huge that I can't even imagine it tonight. I know that God has planned every minute of every day, every tear, and every diagnosis. I know He is with me all the time and loves me very much. I know that God has a reason for why I live with seven chronic medical conditions and His reasoning will always work out for the good. This faith in God is what brings me peace about my health and the future. With God on my side, the ability to survive anything, and a huge dose of determination, I know the possibilities are endless.  

 







Blessing In The Battle

July 2015

I'm not going to sugar coat anything: as of tonight, I am not doing well. I feel as if the depression has reached an all time low. The medicine my doctor was very confident in didn't work. While there has been a slight decrease in my symptoms, it was never consistent. As of tonight, I am weaning off that medicine and trying something new tomorrow. Today was a really bad day. I'll spare the depressing details but say that I found myself wishing none of this had ever happened. My pediatrician is at the same hospital and office building where my health story took place. Normally this doesn't bother me. In a weird way, I enjoy going to that hospital. It's pretty much my second home, and who doesn't like going home? I have good memories of when I brought cookies to all my doctors and nurses. I still laugh when I think about some of the funny antics of the staff there. However today was different. I was very anxious the entire time there. I kept having PTSD-like flashbacks to the countless times I went into that building sick and hopeless. Suddenly all those happy memories were gone and replaced by dark memories that make me want to run out of the building. That my friends, is what depression does to you. Wishing that it never happened to me won't do anything. It happened. Now I have to live with it. So instead of dwelling on the bad memories and experiences, I wanted to write a post to help me focus on the good memories and blessings that came from my health journey:

*My pediatrician, Dr. S., telling me that it was safe for me to ride all the rides I wanted to at Universal Studios when I had mono
*The percent of people who have died from C.diff is growing, but C.diff didn't kill me
*My first pediatric GI doctor, Dr. D.S., was a quirky little guy with a different personality that always made me laugh
*Going gluten-free and dairy-free has forced me to eat healthier (NOT a reason for going gluten-free though!)
*When Dr. D.S. ran out of ideas, he referred me to an incredible doctor
*This doctor, Dr. Di, gave me a feeling of peace and contentment after the first appointment that I had never felt before when leaving a doctor's office...and called my mom on Labor Day to check on me
*I was tested for Crohn's disease and cancer; both were negative
*Dr. Di's nurse, Nurse J., was easily reached and immediately on it when my mom called saying that I had pain under my right side
*Dr. Di referred me to a great surgeon, Dr. R.
*This surgeon, with his dress pants and scrubs, took my gall bladder out flawlessly and improved my quality of life

*Month by month, my level of nausea dropped, which also improved my quality of life
*Harry Potter is the best distraction
*I truly learned the value of good doctors in January 2012
*Dr. S. came to my rescue when my colon was impacted
*The floor I was hospitalized on was so bright and clean
*Dr. Di was my doctor again and put me on the right medicine that gave me back my life
*I was finally able to deliver my cookie platters and thank my heroes
*I was able to make the Build-A-Bear that I had been dreaming of
*Dr. Di correctly diagnosed and treated me when my stomach problems returned
*Throughout my journey, my faith in God grew tremendously
*I have a great relationship with my mom
*I have a cat who knows exactly when to comfort me
*I have family members across the country who prayed for me
*I have my best friend, Elizabeth, who is always there for me
*I have a sister-in-law who understands me so well and is always encouraging
*My health problems have lead me down the career path that I already love
*Being gluten-free has introduced me to two of my best friends
*My health care team is amazing; they're like family to me











"All our sickness, all our sorrow
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still
Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to pain
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed." 

Follow Up: Where I've Been & Where I Am

June 2015

Hello again friends and blog followers! I've decided to write another post about my newly diagnosed depression and anxiety, not because it's a fun topic, but because writing allows me to express my thoughts and feelings in ways that I most likely wouldn't do in a conversation. Let's start with an update on how I'm doing as of today. I've been on my medication for three weeks tomorrow (Thursday). The dosage was increased on Monday. This medicine is semi-helpful. The need for massive amounts of Miralax has decreased and the pain from the gastritis flare up is gone! In my last post I mentioned how the medicine was giving me anxiety attacks. While these attacks still come, they don't last as long and aren't as frequent. I've even been able to distract myself when attack helps (usually by looking at pictures of those adorable Royal babies!) so I don't need to reach out. Unfortunately, the medicine is not helping with the fatigue, muscle aches, joint pains, and depression. My doctor increased the dosage in hopes that a higher dose will help with these remaining symptoms. I've gone to the gym every day for two weeks (I did skip a couple days and walked around the lake with my mom, but that still counts as a workout!), which helps energize me, stabilize my moods, and makes my muscles ache less.

Pedicures with mom

So how am I coping until the medicine starts fully working? To be 100% honest, it's the hardest thing I've had to do. I've been comparing this bout of illness with my previous run-ins with chronic illness. In the past, my health problem was physical. My stomach was upset. My body couldn't digest gluten anymore. My gall bladder was causing me pain. My abdomen hurt. My colon decided to be a pain in the butt (I'm cracking up at that pun by the way!). My stomach was inflamed and full of bile. All physical problems. During all of my previous health issues, I've "still had my brain", for lack of better wording. Even though those problems sucked, I was able to think clearly and choose to see the positive. With mental health issues, I don't have that ability. As much as I try and as much as it's pointed out to me, it's hard to see the bright side. It's all due to the chemical imbalance, not something that I can control. That adds an element of frustration to all this. I am BEYOND THANKFUL for all the family and friends who are supporting me and praying for me. As I said before, this is something I cannot fight alone, and I need every person who is willing to go at this with me. As always, my mom is extraordinary. She gets up at a very early time when I have to work in the mornings because my anxiety tends to be worse when I have to get up early. Being alone and in the dark also makes the depression and anxiety worse so my mom hangs out with me before I fall asleep. She's always doing fun things with me and nice things for me, and I'll never be able to thank her enough!

Awareness Art

   When I'm not working or interning, I try to stay as busy as possible in my free time. I do fun things with my mom and my best friend Elizabeth. I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy, scrapbooking, creating art projects, and reading the Harry Potter series for the fourth time. In my older posts I talked about bringing a Harry Potter book to the hospital and doctor's offices. The Boy Who Lived and his brilliant creator, J.K. Rowling, are successful again in transporting me to a different world. When I'm feeling anxious and/or sad, I pick up my book and my mind is taken away from the demons that are inside. Most of the time I'm so drop dead tired that I go back and forth between watching Grey's Anatomy and reading Harry Potter; I don't have much energy to do anything else.

Best therapist: cat and
Harry Potter!

So that's where I am now. Some days are better than others. Some days start off well but come crashing down later on. There's no way to predict or prepare for how a day will turn out. The only thing I can do is take each day step by step, lean on the support from family and friends, and trust in God.

Next I would like to share some interesting things I noticed before I was diagnosed, when I was still in college and living in the dorms. I brushed it off thinking it was because of finishing my freshman year, but now I realize that what I'm about it talk about was related to the depression and anxiety. There were many nights where I would be taking a shower and then suddenly freeze. Nothing was bothering me, but I knew there was something wrong. Finally I would come to my senses and get out of the hot water. It was weird, but I didn't think anything of it. I figured I was tired and my brain was stuffed with information. Another weird thing, and this sounds weird, was my eyes. I've always liked the color (green, NOT hazel, mom!!) and shape of my eyes, but I noticed they looked different when I took a selfies/SnapChats to send to friends. It startled me at first when I first noticed it, and I still notice it now. I finally figured out what the strange look was: empty. At the hospital where I work, I've interacted with patients who are depressed, and I see the same look in their eyes. Thankfully my depression isn't as severe as these patients, but the empty look scares me sometimes. I've gotten pretty good at faking that everything is all sunshine and butteries so it can be hard to notice this. *FYI: I would appreciate it if all you lovely people didn't get uncomfortably close and stare into my eyes...if you can resist the temptation :P* Anyways, I noticed these two weird "symptoms" before I put anything else together, but now it's reassuring to know that there's an actual real reason for all of this.

And there you have it: a peak at where I've been in the past and where I am now. Hopefully the next follow up post will have more positive vibes to it!

Thanks for reading and stay tuned,
Sarah

Where My Demons Hide: My New Battle

May 2015

Hello friends and blog followers! It's been quite a while since I last posted on here; I've been busy! Here's a quick update before we dive into this post:

I just finished a great first year of college! I am studying Dietetics and Child, Adult, & Family Services, and I absolutely love it. I've met some incredible people and learned a lot. It took me a while to adjust to living away from home, but I finally got the hang of it. I'm already excited for the Fall 2015 semester to start!
    I had the opportunity to go across the pond to England over spring break with my English class. I had so much fun! England has so many gluten-free options, and I didn't even get "glutened" on the trip. My class and I went to Exeter (southwest England), Dartmoor, and London. It was amazing to see all the famous landmarks that I've dreamed of seeing since I was little. This trip was very triumphant for me; I was able to prove to myself that my health can never hold me back from doing anything.

    I'm spending my summer working at a hospital as a Diet Clerk. I really enjoy my job, and I like the hospital environment. As morbid as it may sound, I feel so comfortable being in the hospital and around sick patients, doctors, and nurses.

So that's what I've been up to since my last post. Now to the actual reason why I'm posting. Most of you have read my previous posts and/or are familiar with my very long health history. Writing this blog was a therapeutic way to accept what was happened to me and learn to appreciate all the blessings that came from it. If anyone is reading my blog for the first time, a quick overview is: celiac disease diagnosis in 2011, gall bladder removed in 2011, trip to hell and back (a.k.a University of Iowa hospital) in 2012, hospitalized in 2012, diagnosed with IBS and gastroparesis in 2012, healthy in August of 2012, sick again in April of 2013, diagnosed with gastritis in 2013, and healthy again in September of 2013. That's a lot of time spent not feeling well, hanging out with doctors and nurses, tests and procedures, and a lot of health conditions to manage. A completely reasonable question to ask would be, how did you cope with all that?! All my strength and energy comes from God, and I put my trust and life in His hands all the time. God has blessed me with supportive family members and friends who have helped me survive. He has also given me the best medical team anyone could ask for. He has given my doctors and nurses wisdom and compassion to help me overcome and live with all that I have. Even though I do have four chronic digestive disorders, I feel well probably 80% of the time. So why am I posting on here again? What else could I possibly have? Well, it turns out my current health struggle isn't a physical struggle.

After spring break, I began to notice some unusual symptoms that I naturally matched up with what was going on in my life. Fatigue. College is exhausting, but I felt more fatigue than usual. I dismissed this as returning from the trip of a lifetime in England, taking organic chemistry, and heading towards the last month of freshman year. Joint pain and muscle aches. I was running up to four miles, but minor injuries over time caused me to not be able to run as far anymore. I had twisted my ankle running and didn't let the injury heal properly before running again. That caused minor knee problems. Once again, I didn't rest and got shin splints. Weight gain. With gastroparesis, I feel no hunger and I feel fullness quickly. Because of this, I don't really eat that much. Add in my very active lifestyle and you get a skinny girl. Nothing had changed with my diet or lifestyle but yet I was constantly gaining weight and my clothes weren't fitting the same. Constipation. I like to keep this blog as honest as possible so sorry if constipation isn't your favorite topic. Due to IBS and gastroparesis, I drink a good amount of Miralax every day, but I noticed that the amount of Miralax I drank was getting outrageously high, over 50 ounces a day. Mood swings and sadness. I easily dismissed this symptom as a result of the fatigue, not being able to run, and all the frustrations that come with college classes.  I was also experiencing a gastritis flare which made the fatigue even worse and my stomach hurt every time I ate. How did I handle all this while attending classes, keeping up with homework, and studying for finals? Once again....God.

When the semester ended and I was finally able to decompress at home, the symptoms seemed to get worse. Of course, who wouldn't be exhausted after their first year of college? Who wouldn't feel sad because they missed their friends from college? I kept telling myself that this was all normal, and there was nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, my mom was keeping track of the symptoms I had reported to her and was looking on the Mayo Clinic's website. All the symptoms in bold above matched perfectly with the symptoms for hypothyroidism--a condition where the thyroid gland doesn't produce enough hormones. I have been seeing an endocrinologist since the summer of 2011 when my first pediatric GI doctor did blood work to determine why I wasn't feeling better. My thyroid levels have been on the low side of normal but nothing to worry about. Hypothyroidism runs in my family and is common in people with autoimmune issues, such as celiac disease. I just so happened to have a check up with my endocrinologist coming up. I was starting to feel miserable. The fatigue and sadness were really bringing me down. I had lost interest in doing anything; I just wanted to lay in bed. The appointment finally arrived and I presented all my symptoms to my doctor, who ordered seven blood tests. My mom and I anxiously awaited these results. We had already self-diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and now we just waited for the blood work to confirm our diagnosis. The blood work came back the next day but was a major shocker. Everything was normal. No thyroid problems whatsoever. I immediately started to freak out because I figured there was another worse problem. WebMD came up with lupus, fibromyalgia, and the plague, just to name a few terrible diseases. My mom made an appointment for the next morning with one of the pediatricians who helped me when I was sick. My usual doctor, Dr. S., was on vacation but Dr. El., another great doctor in the same practice, could see me. I went to the appointment expecting a few hours of blood work, x-rays, and who knows what else. After all, lupus or fibromyalgia would probably be tricky to diagnosis. Dr. El. went over the blood work from the endocrinologist, asked a series of questions, and did a physical exam. When he said that he wasn't going to do any more blood work or tests, I didn't panic because he's so thorough that I knew I could trust him. Dr. El. then explained how the symptoms I had been having were also the same symptoms for low serotonin levels. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that helps with moods/happiness. The more Dr. El. talked, the more and more I realized what I had been struggling with some mid-March. I finally realized the emotions I had been struggling with weren't normal. It wasn't normal to cry for no reason in your room for two hours. It wasn't normal for something totally random to make you burst into tears. It wasn't normal to feel so much anxiety that you can't breathe when someone doesn't text you back right away. While sitting in exam room with my mom and Dr. El., I finally felt relief. I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I wasn't crazy. There was nothing physically wrong with me. Dr. El. explained that depression and anxiety is very common in people with a history of GI issues and "responsible students". Dr. El. prescribed an antidepressant that is commonly used to treat depression and anxiety. He warned me that I could endure 7-10 days of feeling worse before I could feel better, and it might take anywhere from 2-6 weeks to start seeing a difference in how I felt. I'll skip the fascinating science of the medicine and get right to the main point: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety on May 21, 2015. I am depressed.

The medicine is being a pain in the butt as it is making me feel worse. So far I've woken up with anxiety attacks twice, had anxiety attacks throughout the day multiple times, feel like crying more, lost my appetite, feel dark inside, and feel even more tired than before. These anxiety attacks are really starting to take their toll on me. Describing one of these moments is difficult to put into words. During an attack, I often feel very shaky, scared, and helpless. My stomach is instantly upset, and I feel like throwing up. It's hard to focus on anything, even though I try to force happy thoughts into my mind. Sometimes one of these attacks is brought on by a thought about the future, but most of the time it happens for no reason. It's always worse when I'm alone and don't have anyone to distract me or calm me down. Occasionally the feelings will fade as quickly as they were brought on, but other times some of the feelings stay with me for the rest of the day. Tomorrow marks one day on this tiny white pill that makes me miserable, and I can only pray that I will start to see some improvement soon.

I do not like the label of being "depressed". I prefer to call it chemically challenged because that is actually what is happening inside my brain. This depression and anxiety isn't my fault; it's basically a side effect of my digestive issues. I definitely do not like the social stigma that goes along with not just depression and anxiety but any other mental health issue. When you think about it, the only difference between depression and celiac disease (or any other disorder I have) is where in the body something isn't right and what it affects. Our society acts as if depression and anxiety are unspeakable when in reality it's common. I may not want to openly discuss this new health issue at the dinner table because it can be difficult to accept and understand let alone talk about it. However, I wanted to write this post for several reasons:
1) Therapeutic: as I said earlier, writing this blog really helped me recover mentally and emotionally from everything that happened to me with my health, and my hope is that writing this post will do the same.
2) Knowledge: I feel like I'm hiding a dark and dirty secret sometimes by not talking about this diagnosis. While I would prefer to not discuss it in depth in person, I do want to be 100% honest whenever I can be.
3) Awareness: depression and anxiety are more common than people think. Everyone has heard of it but knowing someone with it brings it closer to home.
4) Prayers: if you're reading this and feel inclined to do so, please pray for me. This is not going to be an easy battle to fight, and I definitely can't do it alone. I have seen nothing but support and love from my family and friends, and I am beyond grateful for that.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this,
Sarah 

Final Post: Acceptance

Epilogue

I officially "called it" on Labor Day of 2013. I had a lot of manage, but the key was that I could manage all the medicines and diets. I no longer struggled daily with that horrid gastritis pain. Once I felt 100% better, my last year of high school began to fly by. The math class at the community college presented its challenges, but it was a great way to prepare me for college academics. In October of 2013, my mom and I were the (very proud!) co-coordinators of Making Tracks for Celiacs: Des Moines--the first ever celiac disease awareness walk in Des Moines. After months of planning, the walk was a huge success! My mom and I were interviewed in the Des Moines Register and KCCI Channel 8 broadcast live from the walk and interviewed me. Over $4,000 was raised and 150 people participated. It was a dream come true! The year of 2013 ended and 2014 began. This was going to be a big year for me: I would graduate high school and go to college. I was very thankful when I finished high school for several reasons. First, I made it a whole year of high school without something medically bad happening.
 Freshman year: mono, c.diff, and celiac disease.
 Sophomore year: surgery, Iowa City, hospitalized, IBS, and gastroparesis
Junior year: gastritis
Understandably, I was quite intimidated by what could possibly happen during my senior year! Thankfully, nothing happened. I was proud of myself for finishing high school on time and with good grades.

Where Am I Now?

These days, I am feeling great! I will occasionally have a day where I do everything I'm supposed to, but I just don't feel good. That comes with having four chronic digestive disorders. However, I would say that I feel well 95% of the time! My diet is still restricted but much less than what it used to be. I currently avoid gluten, dairy, meat, bananas, coconut, tomatoes, and onions. As for medicines, I still take amitriptyline and prescription prevacid. I have completely weaned myself off of cholestryamine because it was making my stomach hurt after I took it. Not living with all the nasty side effects has greatly improved my quality of life! I also take a vitamin, probiotic, Miralax, and peppermint oil capsules.
 I can run anywhere between three to four miles three times a week, and I still enjoy it just as much as I did when I started. To date, I have participated in seven 5k races.
 This summer, I am working (still at the daycare!) and running a lot. I recently returned from a trip to Texas to visit my cousin and her incredible family. My cousin has her own health issues and has been a constant source of friendship at support! I will turn 19 next Sunday, and shortly after that I will embark on my latest adventure: college. I will be attending Iowa State University for dietetics. I plan on becoming a pediatric clinical dietitian after I graduate. Just the thought of having the opportunity to help kids who are sick and in hospitals fills me with joy. Going to college is a big step for me, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. In addition to managing everything that is college, I will be bringing along my restricted diet, medicines, and health problems. I believe that God will give me the strength to manage all of this, just like He has given me strength to manage chronic illness at a young age.

Final Glances

Before I publish this last post, there are a few more things I want to say. My health journey was unexpected, chronic, complicated, and rough. At the same time, there are so many blessings that have come from it.
My faith: this is something that has definitely increased since I got sick. I have a small notebook filled with encouraging verses from the Bible that I read every day when I was sick. It was amazing to experience the amount of peace and comfort I got from these verses. Multiple times one of these verses would "randomly" pop into my head in a time that I needed to hear something encouraging, comforting, or reassuring. I have now personally seen how God works "all things for the good of those who love Him" and that He does have a plan for us. God has placed incredible people in my life, and it's amazing to think about how His plan has played out through all sorts of people. All of the blessings/lessons I've learned listed below would never have occurred if I hadn't gotten sick. Yes, living with all that I have and experiencing everything that I've been through was not pleasant. Do I wish it would have never happened? No. If I could go back in time and magically prevent all of this from happening, I wouldn't! As I mentioned above, I want to be a dietitian. I would never in a million years have decided on that career choice if I hadn't been sick enough to require a dietitian's help. I would have probably ended up as a speech language pathologist or a personal trainer, but I am SO excited for my future as a dietitian! I love how I can finally see a little bit of God's great plan for me.
My family: I have formed very close relationships with my family, especially my mom and grandparents, during my health journey. My mom was (and still is) my constant source of support. If I don't feel good or something isn't going right, she is the first person I turn to. She can always cheer
me up and make me feel better. I'm so thankful for the memories, both good and bad, that we've gone made and the experiences that we've gone through together. I know that I wouldn't have made it out of my health crisis without her! My grandparents have also been so supportive. It started with them baking me gluten-free treats and making family gatherings "Sarah Safe". Since then, my grandpa and I text each other every night and we all enjoy being together. Both of my grandparents are inspirations to me; they've been through so much but yet they are the kindest people I know. I've also deeply bonded with my precious cat, Oliver. He's always been my baby, but when I got sick he became even closer to me. He always comforted me when I was upset by purring, rubbing his face against my hand, and rolling around on the floor to make me laugh. He even kneads his paws on my stomach when I don't feel good! I have also developed close relationships with two of my cousins, Lisa and Leda. We don't live close, but we are certainly close at heart! All three of my dad's siblings have also showed so much care and concern through my health journey. I never felt like I was going through this alone; I could always feel the support and prayers that were coming from my spread-across-the-country family!

My friends: When my health reached the point where I was always canceling plans with friends because I didn't feel good, only two of my friends stuck by my side. Elizabeth and T. Both of them always asked how I was feeling and were very sensitive to my health. They didn't seem to mind if I canceled existing plans because a doctor appointment or test came up. I've been friends with Elizabeth since I was in kindergarten, and T. and I have been friends since first or second grade. Both of them have secured a place in my wedding :P The family that I babysat for have also proved to me huge blessings. Those kiddos were the perfect distraction for me when I needed one. Erika, their amazing mother, always filled me with hope and encouragement when I was sick.
My doctors and medical team: I talk a lot in my blog about my doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals I've interacted with. I think if I would have been younger or older, the medical staff I had wouldn't have mattered as much. However, I was at such a vulnerable age: 15-18 years old. I spent more time in waiting rooms and with the doctor than I did at friends' houses. Therefore, my nurses and doctors became my friends. I now consider them family. Each doctor has made a difference in my life and for that I will be forever thankful. Of course, there's always that doctor. Even though Dr. Satan did absolutely nothing to improve my quality of life, he did teach me things. He taught me to appreciate the good doctors. He taught me to advocate for myself, even if the "doctor" didn't believe a word I said. He taught me how to stand tall and strong in the midst of a raging storm. This doesn't mean that I speak well of him because I had to learn all of these things thanks to him. When I look back at my time with him, it doesn't go well for me. I know he has affected other patients in a similar way. There are days when I want to report him to the Iowa Board of Medicine or blackmail him, but then I remind myself of two things my mom told me: "God will take care of people like him" and "The best revenge is you feeling better because of doctors in Des Moines."
 My mom and I regularly get together with Nurse T. for lunch or walks. She is such a good friend and an inspiration. My friendship with Nurse T. is the perfect example of one of the greatest blessings that has come from my health journey.

Facts and Figures:  My mom finds these figured depressing, but I find them interesting and somewhat amusing. From 2010-2013, I visited the hospital 105 times. I had five ultrasounds, seven x-rays, three endoscopies, two colonoscopies, one surgery, and nine nuclear medicine tests. I saw 15 doctors from 11 different specialties.
Thank YOU: When I started this blog, I didn't know if it would be successful. I figured the only people who would read it would be my family and friends. As of today, however, over 3,800 people in 12 different countries have read this blog! Thank you for showing interest in my blog. As I'm about to mention, writing this blog has been crucial for me to move forward from my health journey.
Things I've Learned: I have learned that nothing tastes as good as feeling good, sometimes all you need to do is read a Harry Potter book, it's okay to cry, peppermint does wonders on a troubled tummy, never tell a sick person how terrible they look, understanding the family tree of the British Monarchy is a great distraction, cats provide great comfort, some GI doctors look up so many buttholes that they become one, not every doctor will be as great as mine so I thank God for my doctors, coffee is a laxative, gluten can be hidden in anything and everything, people will say stupid stuff because they are ignorant, a walk around the lake can mentally transform a person, and everyone has a story, baggage, and pains that they will always carry with them.

When a traumatic event happens, there are five stages of mourning: shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. As I look back on my health journey, I can clearly see the times when I went through these stages. I can also see when I went through these stages after I felt better. The psychological recovery after the physical recovery of chronic illness is just as important. It took me a while to learn how to function without feeling sick. After I discovered this, I had a hard time accepting and moving on from my recently won battle. When I started this blog, I just wanted to share my story and maybe help some people. I had no idea that writing my health story would be such a cleansing process. I had to dig down deep and re-live the past few years. This was not easy to do, but after I published each post, I had this wonderful feeling of peace. Yes, bad things have happened to me but it's okay. I survived, I am alive, and I am thriving. I am living the life that I dreamed about when I was sick; I can run, work, and do what I want to do. I'm even going to college soon! I will never be able to forget everything that has happened to me, but I've come to the point where I don't dwell on what has happened. I'm a total sentimentalist so my health journey will always be in my heart. I am not the same person that I was before I got sick, and I would like to think that my health journey has made me a better person. I'm so thankful that I started this blog as it has given me the final stage of the grieving process: acceptance.

After
August 2014

"I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith." -2nd Timothy 4:7



Before
August 2010



 

 

 

THE END!!!!!!!!!

 

P.S. If you would take a few minutes to give me some feedback, that would be fantastic! Please leave a comment below with how you discovered my blog, what made you read it, and your thoughts, comments, or questions. Thank you!! :)

Post-Hospital Life

March, 2012

Happy to be home!

I spent my first day out the hospital in my pajamas, napping in my room. I was so tired from the pain, being hospitalized, and the new medicine I was on. I received a surprise visit from the kids I babysit and their mom. I could hear Lucy and Collin running up the stairs shouting, "Sarah? Where are you?!" I was overjoyed to see their little faces peek into my room. They brought me flowers, a balloon, a picture, and "Number One Ladies Detective Agency"--a great show! Lucy and Collin climbed all over my bed, scared the cat off my bed, and thought it was funny to see me in my pajamas.
 I still felt the same. I was more comfortable at home, but I still had level eight abdominal pain. I guess this was what having IBS was like. The next day, two days after I was released from the hospital, I went back to the hospital for the ultrasound ordered by Dr. G., the adult GI doctor who diagnosed me with IBS. Ultrasounds were no big deal by this point; I had been through so many that the whole process didn't even bother me anymore. When the ultrasound came back normal, my mom called Dr. G.'s office asking (again) for pain medicine. When it was (again) denied, Dr. S., my pediatrician, came up with an over-the-counter plan consisting of Tylenol and Aleve. Dr. G. wanted us to contact Dr. Di, the pediatric GI doctor, if I was still in pain on Monday. On this same day, a huge packet arrived for me in the mail from my Uncle Mark in Wisconsin. It was full of materials from the Mayo Clinic all about IBS! It was all very interesting and helped me fully understand my new diagnosis.

Flowers from my favorite kids!

 On Monday, I was still struggling through the constant pain. My mom got in touch with Dr. Di's office. If you remember from previous posts (see "August 2011: The Second Opinion"), Dr. Di was my second, and favorite, pediatric GI doctor. He had not seen me since October of 2011, after my surgery, when my only complaint was unending nausea. An appointment was made for April 16. It was March 26, and April 16 seemed like an eternity away. The next day was a Tuesday, and that meant I babysat Lucy and Collin. I didn't feel like I was able to drive or babysit by myself so my mom came with me. Spring had sprung early in Des Moines so we spent a lot of time outside with the kids. While we were babysitting, Nurse T. called to check on me. After we finished babysitting, we had a picnic lunch at a nearby park and then went to my weekly weight-check with Nurse T. It was hard to believe that I had been hospitalized a week ago. Nurse T. was surprised to hear that I was still in constant pain. It sounded like pain from IBS came and went throughout the day; nothing like what I was dealing with. On our way home from the hospital, Nurse J. from Dr. Di's office called. Dr. Di wanted me to take two tablespoons of Benefiber twice a day. The normal dosage for Benefiber is two teaspoons! Dr. Di's theory was that extra fiber would bulk up the stool and thus be able to release an IBS pinch in the colon. I had done some research, and I knew what I needed: amitriptyline. Dr. Satan in Iowa City was supposed to put me on amitriptyline if eating more didn't help, but then he decided he was an expert in eating disorders *sarcasm intended*. Dr. Di wanted to try the Benefiber first, but he would prescribe amitriptyline at my appointment in April if the Benefiber didn't work.

Babysitting <3

My mom and I decided to walk around the lake after we were finished at the hospital. I was proud of myself for being able to walk two miles one week after being hospitalized! As we walked, we talked about how great it was to be back in Dr. Di's care. When I was Dr. Satan's patient, I felt alone, helpless, lost, and afraid, but now that I was back in the care of a doctor who I knew was smart, kind, caring, and compassionate, I didn't feel those emotions. I felt very safe, secure, and protected.
 At home, I didn't have much energy or strength to do anything. I mostly sat in the rocking chair with a heating pad on my abdomen, Oliver on my lap, and absorbed in a good book. My mom was doing research on natural, homeopathic ways to treat IBS. She had discovered a peppermint oil capsule that was legendary for treating IBS. She made a note on her long list of things to talk to Dr. Di about. Another thing she discovered was chiropractic care. My mom immediately made an appointment with a friend of ours who is also a chiropractor. Digestively, I didn't feel any better after the appointment, but my neck and back felt better! The Benefiber also didn't seem to make any difference. I knew I needed amitriptyline, but it looked like I was going to have to wait until April 16 to get it. The days were dragging by, and I was quickly getting bored and restless at home. My mom and I decided we would start going somewhere every afternoon, once school was finished. At first we started by going on picnics, walks, and buying groceries, but as time progressed we did a lot of really fun things!

April 2012: This is Where the Healing Begins

 The beginning of April brought some dreaded events. The Iowa Assessment Tests (or Iowa Test of Basic Skills). Even though I'm homeschooled, the state law required that I take these tests. I think they're completely pointless and a waste of time, and I was even more intolerant of them while dealing with level eight abdominal pain! We got in touch with our supervising teacher, who told me not to worry about the results. The testing was only in the morning for a few days, and I had the rest of the day off from school. April 4 was also a not-fun day. It was the day that my GI journey had begun. If you recall from "April 2011: Friends to the Rescue, Wills & Kate, & GI Doctor", April 4, 2011 was the day that I woke up with diarrhea and severe nausea. Here I was, one year later, with a double diagnosis of celiac disease and IBS, no gall bladder, severe abdominal pain, constant nausea, a nightmare of a visit to Iowa City, and a hospitalization under my belt. I tried to stay positive, but this anniversary was a tough one for me. However, I did believe an end was in sight. Dr. Di had prescribed amitriptyline, the medicine I knew I needed, before the April 16 appointment! My mom felt that the medicine Dr. G. had me on was causing me to feel worse so she called Nurse J. at Dr. Di's office again. I was to stop Dr. G.'s medicine, stay on the Benefiber, and start 25mg of amitriptyline!
**********************************************************************************

Best medicine ever!

Amitripyline (am-i-trip-t-lean) is an antidepressant used to treat depression issues. When given in a low dose (75 mg or less), amitriptyline creates a positive brain-to-gut connection so digestion is received as normal by the brain.
**************************************************************
I had never been so thrilled to go to Walgreen's to pick up medicine! I was even more excited when I opened up the bottle to see that my dream medicine was my favorite color: mint green! Dr. Di even said he would increase the dose at my appointment in a few weeks if I wasn't feeling better. As I took my first dose of amitriptyline that night, the Christian band Tenth Avenue North's song "Healing Begins" played in my head:
"This is where the healing begins/this is where the healing starts/when you come to where you're broken inside/the light meets the dark"
I was put on this medicine before, way back in 2011 when I was with my first pediatric GI doctor, but it didn't work then. I didn't even experience its famous side effect of tiredness after taking it. This time around, I experienced the tired side effect in full force! Now I understood why I was supposed to take it at night: about 30 minutes after taking it, I fell into the deepest sleep I have ever slept! I had weird dreams all night and woke up the next morning feeling like I had woken up from anesthesia. Amitriptyline has a sleeping pill component to it, which causes the sleepiness. It was so great to finally be able to sleep through the symptoms that had either prevented me from sleeping or woken me up in the middle of the night!

Easter 2012

While waiting for the amitriptyline to work its magic, the Benefiber was causing some serious problems. It had plugged me up so bad that I had to drink another bottle of magnesium citrate. I had missed so many Lent services, Maundy Thursday, and Good Friday that I was looking forward to Easter Sunday. All of my family would be here, and I was looking forward to a fun day of Easter egg hunting at Grandma and Grandpa's!

Two great friends and their dog!

 By the second week of April, I was starting to gain some independence. I was able to drive and babysit by myself. I drove myself to my friend Elizabeth's house to meet her new puppy, Anya, who was absolutely adorable! It was some definitely some animal therapy. I had also noticed that my level eight abdominal pain was present 95% of the time--down from 100% of the time! While I was overjoyed and very thankful for the small break from the pain, a new symptom was starting to bother me. When I sat down to eat a meal, I took a few bites and then I was ready to stop. I felt full. Since my weight was still low, I couldn't only eat a few bites of a meal. It happened every. single. time. I felt like I had just finished Christmas dinner at Grandma's when in reality I was only 1/3 of the way finished with a meal. I read that it was a common symptom with IBS, but the extreme fullness was almost bothering me more than the abdominal pain. I was very much looking forward to my appointment with Dr. Di, especially after going to hell and back in Iowa City. Dr. Di was just as kind and sincere as he was when I last saw him in October of 2011. He increased the amitriptyline to 37.5 mg-hooray! Dr. Di told me several times that it would take a "full two months" for the increased dose to start working. He also prescribed erythromycin to help with the fullness. He said I should give it one week to work, and then call him. Dr. Di wondered if I might have some "delayed gastric emptying" and wanted me to have a gastric emptying scan. He approved of the peppermint oil capsules that my mom had found, and revealed that he also had IBS. He said that he eats a couple Altoids when he doesn't feel good and it helps instantly. Dr. Di was still concerned about my weight; if I wasn't able to gain any weight, he was going to have to put a feeding tube in my nose. I was completely terrified at the prospect of that. Dr. Di seemed curious about Dr. Satan not running any tests. I was worried about how this topic would be brought up. My mom kept a calm face while telling Dr. Di what happened, but I could tell she was fuming on the inside. Dr. Di didn't seem surprised about the accusations Dr. Satan made, and he told me he was glad I was a psychiatrist to completely rule out any mental issues once and for all. A follow-up appointment was made for four months later, and I started desperately praying that I would be well by then. As I left Dr. Di's office, I felt a familiar feeling of peace. It was all going to be okay. I was back in the care of an excellent doctor who didn't think I had an eating disorder, increased my medicine, and was going to find the answer to this very bothersome full feeling.
 One week later determined that the erythromycin was not working. I still felt unbearably full very early in meals. A gastric emptying scan was scheduled for April 25. I would have to eat radioactive eggs with toast for the test so my mom called ahead and told them that we would be bringing gluten-free toast with dairy-free butter. I even had to bring my own food to the hospital! In the meantime, I was getting very restless at home. I wrote in my diary, "my life is turning into that of a character from a Jane Austen book!" I felt like all I did was read, craft, rest, and maybe go for a walk. I didn't feel up to doing much else, but if I could just hold on for those full two months that Dr. Di talked about...I was going to feel better. I was already getting some relief from the nausea with Dr. Di's Altoids tips!

TO BE CONTINUED............. 
 
 
 
 

The One That Got Away

"But the Lord is faithful, and He will strengthen and protect you from the evil one."-2nd Thessalonians 3:3 

 

 

 

March 2012

 

 

It was incredible how different a person could feel with a cleaned out colon! It took six days and four bottles of magnesium citrate, but I felt so much better! By March 1, my stomach felt remarkably better, and by March 2 my abdominal pain had gone from a level eight to a level two! I was extremely worried that the nausea level would shoot back up so if I felt good after a meal, I ate that exact same meal. I mean the exact same meal...down to the exact same brand of peach jelly! I don't know how many peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chips, and applesauce or yogurt lunches I ate, but I never grew sick of it because it never made me sick. The only thing I would eat for breakfast was a gluten-free cereal (Nature Valley's Crunchy Vanilla Sunrise, for all you gluten-free people out there!) and Naked Blue Machine juice, because it had the most fiber. I did not want to be constipated ever again! I also started taking a daily probiotic after watching a program on TV about how probiotics help the digestive track. My mom and I made fun of Dr. Satan and what his reaction would be if we told him about the probiotic. I had more energy, and I was much happier than I had recently been.  

 My sweet grandparents sent me a check for $50 ("Cold Cash for a Clean Colon" as we called it) because they were very sympathetic about everything that I had been through.

I had a follow up appointment with my pediatrician, Dr. S., on March 6. Both Nurse T. and Dr. S. were beyond thrilled that I was feeling better. My nausea was at a level one, and the abdominal pain wasn't really pain anymore... it felt more achy. Dr. S. said that the achy bowels were probably due to the stress on my colon. I desperately did not want to go through with the eating disorder assessment, but Dr. S. said that I should still do it as an insurance policy. Dr. S. was 100% on my side. He thought Dr. Satan was embarrassed for missing a huge constipation problem--since he is a GI doctor. All of the reports from my countless appointments with Dr. S. had been sent to Dr. Satan. This time, however, Dr. S. shook his head and said, "I don't think we'll send this report to Iowa City. We would hate to pester him." It made me sad to think of how rude Dr. Satan had most likely been to my beloved pediatrician. Dr. S. gave me a few example questions that my psychiatrist would probably ask, and he was also more than okay with rescheduling my next appointment in Iowa City. The appointment was set for March 12, but I was feeling so great it seemed pointless to drive all the way up there. Plus, I did not want to be anywhere in the same vicinity as that worthless excuse for a doctor, man, and human. I knew I would not be able to look him in the eyes after the hell he made my parents and I go through. I also didn't exactly trust myself. My tears and pain had been turned to rage--rage that I had never experienced before and rage that almost scared myself. My mom e-mailed Dr. Satan telling him that we wanted to reschedule to March 12 appointment to a later date. Dr. Satan replied with an ominous: "let me know when you want to come." Usually a response from him would send me into a hysterical fit that ruined the whole day, but I could smell triumph in the air. If I could pass the eating disorder assessment (and why wouldn't I?!), I would be the victor. It turns out that my mom didn't actually reschedule the appointment to a later date...she cancelled it! I held no future appointment at the University of Iowa hospital!

 The eating disorder assessment was on March 8 with Dr. K., a psychiatrist who specialized in eating disorders. I was so nervous. I  prayed that God would give me the right words to say. I was worried Dr. K. would ask really in-depth questions, and I would come up empty. Dr. K. was a tall skinny guy who led me down a long hallway into his office. As soon as I saw the stereotypical comfy red couch, I wanted to run in the opposite direction. Instead, I tried to appear relaxed and happy. My mom and I told Dr. K. the entire story, now up to 19 months. Mono, c.diff, celiac disease, gall bladder removed, and colonic constipation. Dr. K. was clearly confused about why a doctor a referred me. He said that most eating disorder patients (or their parents) saw the need for help and contacted him. We tried not to sound too victimized by Dr. Satan as we explained the very complicated situation. Dr. K. asked me lots of questions, but nothing in-depth that Dr. S. and I had practiced. He asked me what my hobbies were, if I ever used drugs, or if I ever drank alcohol. I gave him a long list of my hobbies and answered "no" to drugs and alcohol. Had I ever been abused? No. Did I constantly feel nervous, stressed out, unmotivated, hopeless, helpless, or anxious? No. Did I think I had an eating disorder? Heck no. Did I ever cry excessively? No. Did I ever hear voices in my head or see hallucinations? Goodness no! After asking me these questions, Dr. K. said that "everything goes back to the medical problem." After filling out release forms for Dr. K. to send to Dr. S. and Dr. Satan, we left.
 I was free. I had proven a University of Iowa doctor wrong. I felt immensely overwhelmed as I left Dr. K.'s office. This was the moment that I had been waiting for ever since that first e-mail from Dr. Satan accusing me of having an eating disorder, and now it had arrived. I had crushed the serpent's head beneath my heel. He had bitten my ankle, but I applied more pressure. I been knocked to the ground so many times, but with the help of God, my family, and medical staff who actually cared about me, I was able to find the strength to get back up.  I found myself feeling a mix of feelings: relief, gratefulness to Dr. S. and Dr. K., sadness that I had to go through the whole ordeal in the first place. On the way home, my mom mentioned that she was going to e-mail Dr. Satan telling him that I did not have an eating disorder, and Dr. K. would be sending him the report. I was so ready to be done with Dr. Satan and his e-mails that I was against his idea. I tried to convince my mom to let Dr. K. bother him, instead of us.

"Well, he has bothered me." My mom replied in a tone that was so like my grandma's.

E-mailing Dr. Satan was my sweet and angelic mother's way of getting revenge! I was so proud of her! My mom had battled Dr. Satan just as much as I had, and she had fought well and bravely. The e-mail was sent to Dr. Satan, but he never replied. I knew he wouldn't, but it took several weeks until I could check the e-mails without fear causing me to shake and my heart to race. The pain on my left side of my abdomen was completely gone, and there was just a tiny bit of discomfort on the right side of my abdomen. It looked like things had finally turned around for me: I felt nearly 100% better after 19 months of chronic illness, I was able to perform in the home school play, and I would never have to read another e-mail from Dr. Satan again. In the aftermath, I had raging thoughts of revenge against Dr. Satan. Even though we were finished with him, I still felt like he was holding me in his clutches. It took months for me to finally feel free, and even now as I write this blog two years later, I still have my moments of sadness, pain, anger, vengeance, and fear because of him. One thing that has given me a lot of comfort is a Bible verse from Romans 12:19: "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath. For it is written, 'it is Mine to avenge; I will repay' says the Lord."

My mom often told me that "God will take care of people like him". I don't know God's plans (sometimes I really wish I did), but I do know that God's word is always true.

Two popular songs often heard on pop radio stations have also really helped me put my experiences with Dr. Satan behind me and have helped me feel triumph instead of victimized. They are "Titanium" by David Guetta and "Roar" by Katy Perry. I won't dissect every lyric, but hopefully after reading my story you will be able to see why the lyrics in bold stick out to me

 

"Titanium"

You shout it out
But I can't hear a word you say
I'm talking loud not saying much
I'm criticized
But all your bullets ricochet
Shoot me down, but I get up

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away

[Chorus:]
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

 Cut me down
But it's you who'll have further to fall
Ghost town and haunted love
Raise your voice, sticks and stones may break my bones
I'm talking loud not saying much

I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away

[Chorus]

 Stone-hard, machine gun
Firing at the ones who run
Stone-hard as bulletproof glass

[Chorus]
 

 

"Roar"

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat and make a mess
So I sat quietly, agreed politely
I guess that I forgot I had a choice
I let you push me past the breaking point
I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready 'cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus]
I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me roar
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh oh oh oh
You’re gonna hear me roar

Now I’m floating like a butterfly
Stinging like a bee I earned my stripes
I went from zero, to my own hero

You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Already brushing off the dust
You hear my voice, you hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake the ground
You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)
Get ready ’cause I’ve had enough
I see it all, I see it now

[Chorus x2]

*I would like to dedicate this post to all of the children and families that have had to experience Dr. Satan. I titled this post "The One That Got Away" because I fear that too many children are still in the clutches of Dr. Satan. It completely terrifies me to think of what would have happened if Dr. Satan continued to be my GI doctor. I know of families (including my own) who went to Dr. Satan looking for an answer, and they got a problem that was way worse than the reason they went to him in the first place. God blessed me, picked me up, and carried me away from him, and my prayers are with those who are still fighting.* 

 

TO BE CONTINUED......