"Quiet! Be still!"

October 2016

Mark 4:35-41:

 That day when evening came, He said to His disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took Him along, just as He was, in the boat. There were also other boats with Him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!”

Junior Year
First off, I don't know how I'm a junior. After this semester, I only have three semesters of my college education left. Yes, that is absolutely terrifying and kind of exciting. I've been spending the first nine weeks of this semester thinking about and processing everything that has happened since I came to college. There's been a lot of pain, confusion, hurt, and sorrow. I was distressed over thinking about what my memories of college will be when I leave in May, 2018. Would I be able to think about the laughs, great opportunities, amazing friends, and fun experiences? Or would I only be able to focus on the negative things that were said, the friends who walked away, the dark days, the endless anxiety, all the panic attacks, and the pain from other people's sins? After the first week of classes, I came to a very heartbreaking and troubling conclusion: a terrible sin had been committed against me freshman year. Realizing thing led me down a dark path of depression, fear, panic, shame and doubt that rocked and shattered my world. How could a God who loved me enough to die for me cause something horrible to happen to me? As I cried out to God, He seemed very distant. I asked Him for guidance and for even a small sign that He was still with me, but all I heard was nothing. This made me seriously question my faith. I didn't take comfort in reading the Bible or listening to Christian music. I found myself feeling angry towards God and resenting Him like I never had before. This caused even more panic and confusion. Did I still believe in God? Was He still involved in my life?

Two of my sweet connection group friends

Thankfully, I have an army of friends who know and love Jesus more than anyone else. They were able to encourage me, pray for me, and remind me of God's truths and promises. I am involved in the Salt Company through my university. Salt is a very large (we're talking almost 2,000 students) Christian ministry. It meets on Thursday and then there are smaller groups (called connection groups) that meet in dorms/apartments on campus and off campus. Sophomore year, I was involved in two different connection groups that just weren't the right fit for me. I wasn't able to truly share my struggles with my mental and physical health without feeling judged and unsupported. So obviously, I was very hesitant to join a connection group this year. I told one of my dear friends about my worries, and she recommended a group that meets at the on campus apartments. I didn't really want to go, but I knew falling away from Christian community would make my life even more miserable. As it turns out, this connection group is literally sent from God. I've only known the 10 or so girls involved in the group for nine weeks, but I feel so supported and loved by them. I have shared about my struggle with doubting in God and those struggles were met with pure love, support, and encouragement. Having a loving and stable environment to go to every Monday evening has helped me so much! Another part of the Salt Company, is the famous Fall Retreat at a campground. This year's retreat was my first time going. Again, I didn't really want to go, but felt I should. I get very anxious and overwhelmed in large crowds so I was worried about that (since 900 students attend this retreat!), and I would be away from my emotional support animal Roger all day. The retreat brought in a speaker and there was four sessions over the weekend. During a very loud and rowdy game of volleyball, I got super overwhelmed and needed to find a quiet place. So I found a place under a big tree and started reading the passage from the morning's session on fear. The passage came from Mark 4:35-41. The story of Jesus calming the storm is very familiar to me; I only learned it 400 times in Sunday school. While reading through it, I began to see a lot of similarities between this iconic story and my own story.

Jesus' and His disciples were in the middle of a storm (called a squall in this passage) in the middle of the ocean. I can only imagine there was lots of lightening, thunder, rain, and huge waves. I think we can all agree that they were probably very scared. After all, this storm could potentially kill them. So where was Jesus? He was sleeping on a cushion. His disciples were confused; how could Jesus be sound asleep when everyone was about to drown?! So they take Jesus up, asking Him if He cares if they drown. Jesus then tells the storms to be "quiet! Be still!" and the storm obeys. Then Jesus asks His disciples why they are so afraid and asks if they still don't have faith? The disciples are in shock that even winds and waves obey Jesus. I am definitely in the middle of a storm. For me, the storm isn't thunder, lightening, rain, and wind. It's fear, hopelessness, doubt, anxiety, confusion, guilt, and anger. For eight weeks, I felt like God was sleeping. I didn't feel any connection to Him or comfort from Him, and that terrified me. Just like the disciples, I questioned my fate and God's plan for my life. Was He just going to let me "drown" in the storm?

"Quiet! Be still!"

Right after I discovered the connection

this passage and my own story

All Jesus has to do is tell the storm to stop. When He asks His disciples why they were so afraid, He also asks if they still don't have faith. The word "still" really stuck out to me. I've been through a lot: six years of managing seven chronic physical conditions and three mental conditions, I almost lost my grandpa three years ago, family conflict, friends leaving me, and the challenges that have come with going to college. But guess what? I'm still here. God has brought me through all of that and more. So why am I doubting Him? If God can get me through all of that, what was making me think He couldn't bring me through this?

"Even the winds and waves obey Him."

Water is the most powerful force on earth. Jesus is so powerful that He can calm waves in the midst of a storm! Spend a few minutes and try to wrap your mind around that. The point is, if He can calm the most powerful force on earth, surely He can calm the storm that is raging inside of me.

After reading this passage and reflecting on how it applies to me, I was filled with unexplainable hope and confidence in God. I felt like the thing that I had been missing for the first eight weeks of school was finally returned to me. Throughout the rest of the retreat and on my drive back to school that night, I couldn't stop smiling...even though half the time I was crying because I'm just an emotional soul who cries at pretty much anything. I can't express enough how impactful the Fall Retreat and my experiences within the Salt Company have been for me. God is absolutely working wonders through all of this, and I'm eternally thankful.

At the Salt Company Fall Retreat with my connection group

The End is Just a New Beginning

May 2016

Beginning, just let that word wash over you

It's all right now; love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one, leave the darkness and feel the sun

Because your story is far from over, and your journey has just begun

Well, friends, I am halfway done with my college education. Yes, I am terrified and excited about that. I am pursuing a degree in Dietetics and Child, Adult, and Family Services. I was officially accepted into my program as well as my college's honor society. I finished the year without failing any of my classes and made some new friends this semester. When I finished my freshman year, I didn't want to leave campus and my friends. My thoughts about my sophomore year ending couldn't be any more opposite. I was dying to leave. I enjoyed packing because it went I was getting closer to leaving. Once I was finally freed after my last final and could go home, I unpacked everything in under 48 hours. See, the ending of this school year means a new beginning for me. A new beginning to start fresh, rest, renew my passion for working in a hospital, and get a break from the stresses and anxieties of school. Sophomore year was pretty bad; there was definitely good moments, memories, and things I learned, but overall it was pretty crappy. I learned a lot though and more than just nutrition and microbes. Below are a list of things I've learned and how learning those things has made me feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago:

1. Take Care of Yourself....and walk away from toxic people

Everybody knows how important it is to take care of yourself in college, especially if you're managing chronic illness. There's another type of self-care though. It's called self-respect. Throughout my sophomore year, I can think of multiple "friends" who ended up not being so friendly after all. I was heartbroken each and every time one of these people crossed the line, went too far, or said something deeply hurtful. I found myself wanting to do everything in my power to keep their friendship. Then I realized, why am I using my limited amount of time and energy to try and convince someone to keep being friends with me? After realizing this, I began to see these conflicts as not my fault-but theirs. One of my good friends pointed this out to me also. I told her about all the drama with each friend, and she said: "Sarah, you realize none of that is your fault right?" I don't know why I was blaming myself and taking responsibility for their lack of maturity or understanding. After this I really started to examine the "friendships" I had with people, and it turns out some of them were pretty toxic. I started to have more respect and love for myself and walk away from the "friends" who were actually "people I know."

2. Emotional Attachments are Dangerous

This lesson goes along with number one. I realized towards the end of the year that the girl who was my first friend at college and who I loved dearly wasn't actually that good of a friend to me. She had made me feel bad for choices I've made, disrespected my faith and political views, and was far from understanding during a crisis moment in life. I still wanted to view her as the nice girl I met freshman year, but she isn't that same person! It took a friend to finally say: "Sarah...do you have to be friends with this person??" to see that just because someone is your BFF freshman year, doesn't mean they're always going to stay like that. That's when I discovered that I make emotional attachments with people. This has put me in a bad position and unhealthy relationship several times before.  

3. Take Time to Love Yourself

Let's be honest: I manage celiac disease, IBS, gastritis, gastroparesis, hypoglycemia, slow transit constipation, myofascial pain syndrome, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Yes, 10 chronic illnesses. That's a lot not only for me to manage but for others to manage. Sometimes I catch myself thinking something along the lines of, maybe so-and-so said that hurtful thing because she couldn't handle me being sick. If this is true, I can only hope not, but I definitely struggle with self-esteem and wondering if people like me or if I tell them I have 10 chronic illnesses, they'll run the other direction. This kind of stuff will destroy you. Towards the end of the semester, I decided to set aside time for myself. I treated myself to nice coffee (decaf, because caffeine, anxiety, and hypoglycemia do not mix well at all) drink, did something I enjoyed, wrote down a list of what I like about myself, or went on a quiet walk all by myself. I think I'm slowly getting to a place where I am more accepting and loving of myself. Instead of thinking, what is this person going to think when I talk about my health, I think, maybe I'll be able to touch or help someone else by sharing my health. My health doesn't define my life, but it is part of it. If someone can't handle that, they can leave.

4. Be Yourself

I used to hide the fact that I'm gluten-free. I used to avoid talking about my anxiety. I used to purposely not say anything about my emotional support animal who lives in the dorms with me. That was exhausting! One time I "accidentally" mentioned something about my cat--and guess what? The world didn't explode! The girl I was talking to was actually really interested in my cat and thought it was SO COOL that I could have my cat with me. After that, I realized it was okay to be myself and not try to hide what is a big part of my life. Being more authentic and honest has helped me accept myself and has also helped open doors to great discussions with others!

5. Boys Complicate Things-stick to brothers

Having a boyfriend or "talking" to a guy is great and exciting, but it is also stressful, time-consuming, and complicated. I've experienced this a couple times (and it ended in a flaming train wreck), and I've witnessed friends experience it (and seen it end in a flaming train wreck). You know what's really great though? Having guys that are more like brothers to you. Call me crazy, but this is actually great. My brother lives two hours away so I don't get to see him much. Thankfully I've been able to meet some XY species at college who I think of as brothers. There is absolutely zero attraction there so I don't have to worry about that; instead I think of them as my brothers. They are all followers of Christ as well, and I can ask for prayers or advice from them. Nobody gets lead on, hurt, or upset. Everybody is just friends-brothers and sisters in Christ.

So there you have it! Summer is a new beginning. By the grace of God, I survived sophomore year and am on to bigger and better things.

It's Not Over Yet,

Sarah

Roger Gene: My Furry Fighter for Happiness

Prepare yourself for an overload of cuteness. If you know me at all, chances are you know about Roger. In case you don't (plus I just love sharing our story), here's a recap:

First picture

The first three weeks of my sophomore year were some of the worst weeks of my life. This is a happy post so we're not going into detail, but I knew that I would be able to sleep better and cope with life better if I had my kitty with me. Oliver is my cat at home; he's been with us for almost 12 years. When I was sick in college, Oliver was a constant companion who slept with me, snuggled with me, and could sense when I wasn't feeling good or sad. So how does one get a cat into a college dorm? Thanks to my amazing hall director, I talked with the folks at the student disability resources on campus. They were able to give me the exact documentation that my doctor needed to provide. It took two tries, but my superhero doctor was able to provide the correct documentation needed to bring a cat into the dorm to work as an emotional support animal. As much as I missed my Oliver, I knew he would not be happy in a dorm. He's been living the sweet life for almost 12 years and was getting very spoiled by my parents. I was worried that bringing him to college would stress him out and he would die. Obviously, that would do nothing to help me. So I came up with Plan B: adopt a new cat. The day after I got the "okay" to bring a cat into my dorm, my mom and one of my best friends went to an animal shelter close to my house. It was a complete downpour, but I would have walked through a blizzard to get a cat. We told the sweet girl who was working at the shelter that we were looking for an older cat who was declawed. We explained that the cat would be living in a dorm and acting as an emotional support animal. The first cat I visited was a massive black cat who didn't like to be picked up because he was so fat. I petted the cat and he glared at me. That definitely wasn't going to work. The second cat was a little bit more friendly, but didn't like to be held and liked to "play bite" which translated into the cat chewing on my hand. I remember looking at my mom and shaking my head. I was starting to get worried that I wouldn't find a cat. Plus I felt terrible rejecting the other two cats. My mom asked the girl if there were any other cats.

Car ride home

"Hmmm...I can show you Roger." She went on to explain that Roger was only three years old and had his claws but he was very sweet and liked to cuddle. As we walked towards the kennel, a brown and black cat let out a loud meow and jumped from the floor on to the side of the kennel. Holding on my his paws, he meowed at me. My friend laughed out loud and said, "this is the one!" As soon as I picked him up, I knew that he would be coming to live with me. Roger started to purr right away and loved to be held. Go ahead and call me cheesy, but I had tears in my eyes when I told the girl that I would take him. She said we could change his name, but Roger seemed like a good fit. Roger came from a cat hoarder house. The girl working didn't tell us how many cats were there, but about a month before he was adopted there was a story about a house with 40 cats living in it. Because of this, Roger was used to eating as much food as possible and as quickly as possible. This isn't good for his tummy so we were encouraged to feed him smaller meals throughout the day.  this going to work? After we were finished, we went back to Roger's kennel. I got to put him in a box and carry him out of the shelter. I felt like a new parent: scared but happy. My mom had to pay for him and I had to sign a bunch of forms. The whole time I was wondering, is at the same time. It was still raining so my mom went to drive the car around. Roger tried to break out of his box, which scared the living crap out of me and my friend. Once in the car, Roger meowed for a while before climbing in my lap. We took him to the vet to him checked out. He passed with flying colors and slept on my lap the whole way back to school. Once we got him in the building, he explored his new room (my single dorm room). My mom stayed for a while until we were both settled. After she left, I put in a Jane Austen movie and just watched Roger. He adapted immediately and was giving himself a bath, purring, and sleeping on the bed. Two nights after I got Roger, I slept through the night for the first time in one month!

First night at college!

In the six and a half months that I've had Roger, my quality of life has improved so much. Not only am I sleeping amazingly better, but Roger has been able to help me through panic attacks and moments of high stress and/or emotion. Two of the greatest feelings in the world are when he greets me meowing at the door and when he holds my hand when I'm sleeping. I'm so incredibly thankful for his presence; we rescued each other. Living in a cat hoarder house and then a small kennel with two other cats must have been rough. It makes me so happy to see Roger sleeping on my bed or in my window, where cats belong. Roger loves to eat so he always makes sure I get out of bed to feed him. He knows when I'm upset; he always comes over to me, licks my hand or face, and purrs. Sometimes he'll act really silly and and roll around on the floor while meowing at me, which always makes me laugh.

One of my favorite pictures

Having a cat in the dorms has worked really well. I've only had two negative encounters with people who didn't know what to say about Roger so they said the wrong thing, but other than that everyone has been excited there's a cat and glad that I have him with me. Roger has a steady fan club and his own Instagram account (the_rog1029), follow him! :) So there you go, that's the story of my furry fighter for happiness!

It's Not Over Yet,
Sarah (and Roger Gene)

Just a few of my favorite pictures :)