"Quiet! Be still!"

October 2016

Mark 4:35-41:

 That day when evening came, He said to His disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took Him along, just as He was, in the boat. There were also other boats with Him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!”

Junior Year
First off, I don't know how I'm a junior. After this semester, I only have three semesters of my college education left. Yes, that is absolutely terrifying and kind of exciting. I've been spending the first nine weeks of this semester thinking about and processing everything that has happened since I came to college. There's been a lot of pain, confusion, hurt, and sorrow. I was distressed over thinking about what my memories of college will be when I leave in May, 2018. Would I be able to think about the laughs, great opportunities, amazing friends, and fun experiences? Or would I only be able to focus on the negative things that were said, the friends who walked away, the dark days, the endless anxiety, all the panic attacks, and the pain from other people's sins? After the first week of classes, I came to a very heartbreaking and troubling conclusion: a terrible sin had been committed against me freshman year. Realizing thing led me down a dark path of depression, fear, panic, shame and doubt that rocked and shattered my world. How could a God who loved me enough to die for me cause something horrible to happen to me? As I cried out to God, He seemed very distant. I asked Him for guidance and for even a small sign that He was still with me, but all I heard was nothing. This made me seriously question my faith. I didn't take comfort in reading the Bible or listening to Christian music. I found myself feeling angry towards God and resenting Him like I never had before. This caused even more panic and confusion. Did I still believe in God? Was He still involved in my life?

Two of my sweet connection group friends

Thankfully, I have an army of friends who know and love Jesus more than anyone else. They were able to encourage me, pray for me, and remind me of God's truths and promises. I am involved in the Salt Company through my university. Salt is a very large (we're talking almost 2,000 students) Christian ministry. It meets on Thursday and then there are smaller groups (called connection groups) that meet in dorms/apartments on campus and off campus. Sophomore year, I was involved in two different connection groups that just weren't the right fit for me. I wasn't able to truly share my struggles with my mental and physical health without feeling judged and unsupported. So obviously, I was very hesitant to join a connection group this year. I told one of my dear friends about my worries, and she recommended a group that meets at the on campus apartments. I didn't really want to go, but I knew falling away from Christian community would make my life even more miserable. As it turns out, this connection group is literally sent from God. I've only known the 10 or so girls involved in the group for nine weeks, but I feel so supported and loved by them. I have shared about my struggle with doubting in God and those struggles were met with pure love, support, and encouragement. Having a loving and stable environment to go to every Monday evening has helped me so much! Another part of the Salt Company, is the famous Fall Retreat at a campground. This year's retreat was my first time going. Again, I didn't really want to go, but felt I should. I get very anxious and overwhelmed in large crowds so I was worried about that (since 900 students attend this retreat!), and I would be away from my emotional support animal Roger all day. The retreat brought in a speaker and there was four sessions over the weekend. During a very loud and rowdy game of volleyball, I got super overwhelmed and needed to find a quiet place. So I found a place under a big tree and started reading the passage from the morning's session on fear. The passage came from Mark 4:35-41. The story of Jesus calming the storm is very familiar to me; I only learned it 400 times in Sunday school. While reading through it, I began to see a lot of similarities between this iconic story and my own story.

Jesus' and His disciples were in the middle of a storm (called a squall in this passage) in the middle of the ocean. I can only imagine there was lots of lightening, thunder, rain, and huge waves. I think we can all agree that they were probably very scared. After all, this storm could potentially kill them. So where was Jesus? He was sleeping on a cushion. His disciples were confused; how could Jesus be sound asleep when everyone was about to drown?! So they take Jesus up, asking Him if He cares if they drown. Jesus then tells the storms to be "quiet! Be still!" and the storm obeys. Then Jesus asks His disciples why they are so afraid and asks if they still don't have faith? The disciples are in shock that even winds and waves obey Jesus. I am definitely in the middle of a storm. For me, the storm isn't thunder, lightening, rain, and wind. It's fear, hopelessness, doubt, anxiety, confusion, guilt, and anger. For eight weeks, I felt like God was sleeping. I didn't feel any connection to Him or comfort from Him, and that terrified me. Just like the disciples, I questioned my fate and God's plan for my life. Was He just going to let me "drown" in the storm?

"Quiet! Be still!"

Right after I discovered the connection

this passage and my own story

All Jesus has to do is tell the storm to stop. When He asks His disciples why they were so afraid, He also asks if they still don't have faith. The word "still" really stuck out to me. I've been through a lot: six years of managing seven chronic physical conditions and three mental conditions, I almost lost my grandpa three years ago, family conflict, friends leaving me, and the challenges that have come with going to college. But guess what? I'm still here. God has brought me through all of that and more. So why am I doubting Him? If God can get me through all of that, what was making me think He couldn't bring me through this?

"Even the winds and waves obey Him."

Water is the most powerful force on earth. Jesus is so powerful that He can calm waves in the midst of a storm! Spend a few minutes and try to wrap your mind around that. The point is, if He can calm the most powerful force on earth, surely He can calm the storm that is raging inside of me.

After reading this passage and reflecting on how it applies to me, I was filled with unexplainable hope and confidence in God. I felt like the thing that I had been missing for the first eight weeks of school was finally returned to me. Throughout the rest of the retreat and on my drive back to school that night, I couldn't stop smiling...even though half the time I was crying because I'm just an emotional soul who cries at pretty much anything. I can't express enough how impactful the Fall Retreat and my experiences within the Salt Company have been for me. God is absolutely working wonders through all of this, and I'm eternally thankful.

At the Salt Company Fall Retreat with my connection group

The End is Just a New Beginning

May 2016

Beginning, just let that word wash over you

It's all right now; love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one, leave the darkness and feel the sun

Because your story is far from over, and your journey has just begun

Well, friends, I am halfway done with my college education. Yes, I am terrified and excited about that. I am pursuing a degree in Dietetics and Child, Adult, and Family Services. I was officially accepted into my program as well as my college's honor society. I finished the year without failing any of my classes and made some new friends this semester. When I finished my freshman year, I didn't want to leave campus and my friends. My thoughts about my sophomore year ending couldn't be any more opposite. I was dying to leave. I enjoyed packing because it went I was getting closer to leaving. Once I was finally freed after my last final and could go home, I unpacked everything in under 48 hours. See, the ending of this school year means a new beginning for me. A new beginning to start fresh, rest, renew my passion for working in a hospital, and get a break from the stresses and anxieties of school. Sophomore year was pretty bad; there was definitely good moments, memories, and things I learned, but overall it was pretty crappy. I learned a lot though and more than just nutrition and microbes. Below are a list of things I've learned and how learning those things has made me feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago:

1. Take Care of Yourself....and walk away from toxic people

Everybody knows how important it is to take care of yourself in college, especially if you're managing chronic illness. There's another type of self-care though. It's called self-respect. Throughout my sophomore year, I can think of multiple "friends" who ended up not being so friendly after all. I was heartbroken each and every time one of these people crossed the line, went too far, or said something deeply hurtful. I found myself wanting to do everything in my power to keep their friendship. Then I realized, why am I using my limited amount of time and energy to try and convince someone to keep being friends with me? After realizing this, I began to see these conflicts as not my fault-but theirs. One of my good friends pointed this out to me also. I told her about all the drama with each friend, and she said: "Sarah, you realize none of that is your fault right?" I don't know why I was blaming myself and taking responsibility for their lack of maturity or understanding. After this I really started to examine the "friendships" I had with people, and it turns out some of them were pretty toxic. I started to have more respect and love for myself and walk away from the "friends" who were actually "people I know."

2. Emotional Attachments are Dangerous

This lesson goes along with number one. I realized towards the end of the year that the girl who was my first friend at college and who I loved dearly wasn't actually that good of a friend to me. She had made me feel bad for choices I've made, disrespected my faith and political views, and was far from understanding during a crisis moment in life. I still wanted to view her as the nice girl I met freshman year, but she isn't that same person! It took a friend to finally say: "Sarah...do you have to be friends with this person??" to see that just because someone is your BFF freshman year, doesn't mean they're always going to stay like that. That's when I discovered that I make emotional attachments with people. This has put me in a bad position and unhealthy relationship several times before.  

3. Take Time to Love Yourself

Let's be honest: I manage celiac disease, IBS, gastritis, gastroparesis, hypoglycemia, slow transit constipation, myofascial pain syndrome, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Yes, 10 chronic illnesses. That's a lot not only for me to manage but for others to manage. Sometimes I catch myself thinking something along the lines of, maybe so-and-so said that hurtful thing because she couldn't handle me being sick. If this is true, I can only hope not, but I definitely struggle with self-esteem and wondering if people like me or if I tell them I have 10 chronic illnesses, they'll run the other direction. This kind of stuff will destroy you. Towards the end of the semester, I decided to set aside time for myself. I treated myself to nice coffee (decaf, because caffeine, anxiety, and hypoglycemia do not mix well at all) drink, did something I enjoyed, wrote down a list of what I like about myself, or went on a quiet walk all by myself. I think I'm slowly getting to a place where I am more accepting and loving of myself. Instead of thinking, what is this person going to think when I talk about my health, I think, maybe I'll be able to touch or help someone else by sharing my health. My health doesn't define my life, but it is part of it. If someone can't handle that, they can leave.

4. Be Yourself

I used to hide the fact that I'm gluten-free. I used to avoid talking about my anxiety. I used to purposely not say anything about my emotional support animal who lives in the dorms with me. That was exhausting! One time I "accidentally" mentioned something about my cat--and guess what? The world didn't explode! The girl I was talking to was actually really interested in my cat and thought it was SO COOL that I could have my cat with me. After that, I realized it was okay to be myself and not try to hide what is a big part of my life. Being more authentic and honest has helped me accept myself and has also helped open doors to great discussions with others!

5. Boys Complicate Things-stick to brothers

Having a boyfriend or "talking" to a guy is great and exciting, but it is also stressful, time-consuming, and complicated. I've experienced this a couple times (and it ended in a flaming train wreck), and I've witnessed friends experience it (and seen it end in a flaming train wreck). You know what's really great though? Having guys that are more like brothers to you. Call me crazy, but this is actually great. My brother lives two hours away so I don't get to see him much. Thankfully I've been able to meet some XY species at college who I think of as brothers. There is absolutely zero attraction there so I don't have to worry about that; instead I think of them as my brothers. They are all followers of Christ as well, and I can ask for prayers or advice from them. Nobody gets lead on, hurt, or upset. Everybody is just friends-brothers and sisters in Christ.

So there you have it! Summer is a new beginning. By the grace of God, I survived sophomore year and am on to bigger and better things.

It's Not Over Yet,

Sarah

It Has Changed Me

January 2016

"He hasn't ruined you. You're living proof of that." 

"No, but he has changed me."

{Downton Abbey, season 6}

One of my New Years Resolutions was to "accept my flaws and weirdness". Yes, that's exactly what I wrote on my mom's cute chalkboard sign. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the interesting little quirks that I have and more importantly, why I have them. Doing this has lead me to realize that all the unique things that make me who I am have come from events in my past. Let's take a peak into the mind of Sarah, a college sophomore with celiac disease, IBS, gastroparesis, gastritis, hypoglycemia, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and myofascial pain syndrome (new diagnosis...woot!).

-My Physical Health Journey-
*I have an extreme intolerance to people who go gluten free to lose weight and "be healthy."
*I am a million times more compassionate towards people with illness and/or disabilities.
*I have found my true calling in life: to feed premature babies and help kids with digestive disorders.
*I am comforted by the smell of the soap in doctors offices because it reminds me of the pediatrician and pediatric GI doctor.
*I love hospitals. I could spend hours exploring hospitals and learning how they work.
*Being somewhere without food or medicine gives me a lot of anxiety.
*Any new symptom is immediately looked up online and turned into a new diagnosis.
*The Harry Potter series is so special to me because it gives me an escape.
*The hospital in Iowa City gives me immediate panic attacks; even talking about it makes me nervous.
*My heroes all have either M.D. or D.O. behind their names.
*I have a teddy bear named after my doctors, and it's one of my most prized possessions.
*Learning about the human body makes me happy.
*I cry through every children's hospital lip dub video on YouTube.
*I have no problem discussing bowel functions with anyone.
*Even though I've been managing chronic illness for five and a half years, I still get tired of it and miss the person I used to be.

-My Mental Health Journey-
*Roger, my emotional support animal, is my best friend. Mess with him, and I will end you. If you don't like him...I probably don't like you,
*Sometimes I want to cry, but I don't know why.
*Sometimes I feel very nervous for no reason.
*For KING & COUNTRY is so special to me because the lyrics to their songs describe my life perfectly, give me hope, and bring me joy when not much else can [It's Not Over Yet, Busted Heart, Sane, Priceless, Shoulders, Crave, and To The Dreamers].
*I have to protect myself and do what's best for me, even if it means cutting toxic people out of my life.
*I worry about having a panic attack in every situation.
*I really really really really really like hugs....like a lot.
*Even if you can't fix it, I still need love and support from you.
*Reading about the digestive tract calms me down because it's familiar.
*Sometimes I want to go out and be social, but then my social anxiety kicks in.
*My ideal Friday night includes watching a movie with my cat and coloring because I know I won't have a panic attack.
*While I don't have an official diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I do struggle with aspects of PTSD. I have a lot of triggers that take me back to dark places in my past. When this happens, it's hard for me to remember that I'm in the present. I've tried multiple tricks but can never seem to knock this one out. What I need most is support and sympathy during those moments. Sometimes I just need to text my mom and tell her that I'm having flashbacks and then she has some great motherly advice that makes me feel better. Sometimes I just need a hug.
*I struggle with what I'm worth. Living with nine chronic illnesses is definitely very time consuming and as you've read, a big part in who I am today. It's easy for me to think that no man in his right mind would ever want to date, and eventually marry, me. Sometimes I feel very flawed and unaccepted. A lot of this stems from anxiety, as it can twist your brain into believe things that aren't true. I've had encounters with the male species in the past that have not ended well. Both of these losers ended up making me feel like I was nothing more than a person who they could disrespect and dishonor. These two have learned the hard way that I am no such person. However, I went through a bad phase where I didn't consider myself to be anyone special. I figured I was unlovable and just attracted all the losers and cowards and creeps in the world. Then (get ready to go full circle) my mom surprised me with tickets to a concert for my birthday in August. We got to see For KING & COUNTRY at our state fair. I had heard their music (and accents!), and really enjoyed listening to them and the lyrics of their songs. I was completely surprised when they gave their famous "priceless speech" which starts off my saying (and yes I have it memorized): "Girls...don't let any man disrespect your relationship and never settle for second best." It goes on to say that they believe that girls should be treated with "respect and honor" and like princesses. Throw "we believe there's a God who knows you're priceless" in there and I'm in tears. Ever since then I have slowly started to believe and build on the idea that I am priceless, and one of these days God is going to send along someone who believes the same thing. The two guys mentioned above didn't respect or honor me, and they definitely didn't treat me like I was priceless. Instead of me doubting what I'm worth, they should be the ones who feel like crap on the inside. Now I can finally say that I am at a place where I love myself. There's definitely aspects about me that I'm not thrilled about, but slowly and surely I am starting to accept myself and love myself for who I am.

"I love the person I am because I fought to become her."

"Mirror mirror, mirror on the wall/telling those lies/pointing out your flaws/that isn't who you are/it might be hard to hear but let me tell you dear/if you could see what I can see/I know you would believe that isn't who you are/there's more to who you are. So when it's late/you're wide awake/too much to take/don't you dare forget that in the pain/you can be brave/and safe.

I see you dressed in white/every wrong made right/I see a rose in bloom at the site of you/OH SO PRICELESS/irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable/darling it's beautiful/I see it all in you/OH SO PRICELESS."-Priceless by For KING & Country 

When The Meds Don't Work And You Have To Try Again

July 2015

Hi friends, family, and followers! I've been doing alright, maybe even a little bit better. I stopped taking my medicine for depression and anxiety and instead increased the low dose antidepressant I have been taking for IBS. I've had three very good days, which are like bright rays of sunshine. I've had lots of thoughts on my mind lately, and thought I would share them here.

 Self-help books are amazing. It's okay if you feel weird in the mental health section of the library and pray that you don't see anyone you know. I've checked out 10 books about depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. My doctor has mentioned how he thinks talking with a therapist would help me. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, that route is not for me. I felt very empowered with my stack of books and notebook that I take notes in. When I'm having a rough day, reading these books isn't a good idea and I'm better off reading Harry Potter. On days when I'm doing okay, I take immense comfort in the power of knowledge. Maybe it's the science-minded nerd that I am, but I feel so much better knowing how mental health issues happen and why these issues cause the symptoms that they do. The self-help books have also given me good tips to help manage these issues and help me feel like I'm in control. If anyone reading this is and is struggling with a health problem, I strongly suggest finding books to help explain your condition to you. Knowledge is power!

It's okay to feel the things we feel and accept those feelings. A lot of the books I've been reading have emphasized this a lot. It's important that we recognize feelings and accept them. By doing this, we can remember what caused these feelings. If these feelings aren't positive (called triggers), we can remember what caused the feelings and try our best to avoid them. For example, too much noise and stimulation gives me a lot of anxiety so I avoid places/situations that have this effect on me. Even something has simple has pausing the TV while the water in the tea pot is boiling helps me a lot. I've been able to use ear plugs at home when there is a lot of commotion in the house. At the same time, no noise at all makes me uncomfortable and takes me into my "dark place." So if I'm home alone, I watch TV or go workout until someone else is home and I feel comfortable reading.

Reaching out is so important. I've lost track of the times I've excited my mom or a close friend during an anxiety attack. I have also called my mom in a public bathroom stall during an attack. While it's not the same as being with someone else, talking it out can definitely help. There is NO SHAME in this. Reaching out, asking for prayers, or just telling someone of your struggles is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength: you know you can't do this on your own and you need help. If anyone treats you differently or doesn't support you, get rid of them instantly.

Never underestimate the power of our five senses. Two of the books I read was about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As I've said before, I believe I have PTSD. These books highlighted the role that the five senses (sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing) play a huge role in PTSD. I've experienced this in a negative way: the sight of the hospital in Iowa City sends me into a panic attack; the taste of applesauce and jello reminds me of how much I ate those foods when I was sick. I'll skip the fascinating science behind this, but if you're interested, check out Recovering From Trauma and PTSD and The Everything Guide to Overcoming PTSD. These senses are so powerful when it comes to bringing back bad memories, but I've been blessed to have these senses contribute to bringing me out of an anxiety attack and calming me down: the hospital that I work at uses the same soap that my pediatricians and pediatric GI doctor use. When I randomly smelled my hands at work one day, I immediately felt a calm and peaceful vibe come over me. I didn't put it together until later on in the day, but the smell of that soap reminds me of my doctors. I spent a lot of time with these guys, and what do doctors always do when they see a patient? Wash their hands. My brain associates the smell of that soap with the feeling of peace and safety that those doctors gave me. Whenever I was with them, I felt well cared for. I've been "stealing" this soap from the bathrooms in the hospital and smell it whenever I'm feeling anxious. Sure enough, it works. Every. Single. Time. Now, of course, what kind of sick and messed up person gets comfort from the smell of doctors? I do! Depending on the day, I either burst out laughing or into tears when I have to smell my soap because it is a little strange, but if it works I don't care how crazy it seems!

I'm learning that living with mental health issues is a struggle, especially when the medicine isn't working fast enough, but the burden of living with these issues can be lessened by learning how to cope with these issues in a way that works for you.

Again, thanks for reading! Hopefully these posts are sounding more positive!

Sarah :)

Blessing In The Battle

July 2015

I'm not going to sugar coat anything: as of tonight, I am not doing well. I feel as if the depression has reached an all time low. The medicine my doctor was very confident in didn't work. While there has been a slight decrease in my symptoms, it was never consistent. As of tonight, I am weaning off that medicine and trying something new tomorrow. Today was a really bad day. I'll spare the depressing details but say that I found myself wishing none of this had ever happened. My pediatrician is at the same hospital and office building where my health story took place. Normally this doesn't bother me. In a weird way, I enjoy going to that hospital. It's pretty much my second home, and who doesn't like going home? I have good memories of when I brought cookies to all my doctors and nurses. I still laugh when I think about some of the funny antics of the staff there. However today was different. I was very anxious the entire time there. I kept having PTSD-like flashbacks to the countless times I went into that building sick and hopeless. Suddenly all those happy memories were gone and replaced by dark memories that make me want to run out of the building. That my friends, is what depression does to you. Wishing that it never happened to me won't do anything. It happened. Now I have to live with it. So instead of dwelling on the bad memories and experiences, I wanted to write a post to help me focus on the good memories and blessings that came from my health journey:

*My pediatrician, Dr. S., telling me that it was safe for me to ride all the rides I wanted to at Universal Studios when I had mono
*The percent of people who have died from C.diff is growing, but C.diff didn't kill me
*My first pediatric GI doctor, Dr. D.S., was a quirky little guy with a different personality that always made me laugh
*Going gluten-free and dairy-free has forced me to eat healthier (NOT a reason for going gluten-free though!)
*When Dr. D.S. ran out of ideas, he referred me to an incredible doctor
*This doctor, Dr. Di, gave me a feeling of peace and contentment after the first appointment that I had never felt before when leaving a doctor's office...and called my mom on Labor Day to check on me
*I was tested for Crohn's disease and cancer; both were negative
*Dr. Di's nurse, Nurse J., was easily reached and immediately on it when my mom called saying that I had pain under my right side
*Dr. Di referred me to a great surgeon, Dr. R.
*This surgeon, with his dress pants and scrubs, took my gall bladder out flawlessly and improved my quality of life

*Month by month, my level of nausea dropped, which also improved my quality of life
*Harry Potter is the best distraction
*I truly learned the value of good doctors in January 2012
*Dr. S. came to my rescue when my colon was impacted
*The floor I was hospitalized on was so bright and clean
*Dr. Di was my doctor again and put me on the right medicine that gave me back my life
*I was finally able to deliver my cookie platters and thank my heroes
*I was able to make the Build-A-Bear that I had been dreaming of
*Dr. Di correctly diagnosed and treated me when my stomach problems returned
*Throughout my journey, my faith in God grew tremendously
*I have a great relationship with my mom
*I have a cat who knows exactly when to comfort me
*I have family members across the country who prayed for me
*I have my best friend, Elizabeth, who is always there for me
*I have a sister-in-law who understands me so well and is always encouraging
*My health problems have lead me down the career path that I already love
*Being gluten-free has introduced me to two of my best friends
*My health care team is amazing; they're like family to me











"All our sickness, all our sorrow
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still
Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to pain
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed." 

Invisible Illness & My Journey

June 2015

Hello friends!
 Not too much change here unfortunately. I'm now up to 20mg of my "happy pills". I've had some occasional bursts of energy in the past few days so I'm hoping the next couple days/weeks will be more positive than the last. If I can stay distracted and busy, the anxiety and sadness doesn't bother me as much. The increased dose is definitely affecting my ultra sensitive stomach. I don't have much of an appetite and my stomach hurts almost constantly. I've been using my previous techniques to help relieve this annoying side effect.

My main purpose for writing this post is to release some thoughts and feelings that have been going through my mind lately. If you see a picture of me, you would never guess that I have four chronic digestive disorders, depression, anxiety, and a touch of PTSD. A picture doesn't show that my small intestine can't absorb gluten or that my colon randomly pinches and gives me pain. You can't tell from a picture that the inside of my stomach is inflamed and I have low stomach acid. You also can't tell that my entire digestive track moves so slowly that I never feel hungry or that I don't have a gall bladder. You definitely can't tell from a picture that I have low serotonin levels in my brain. I have what is called an Invisible Illness, and multiple of them. Just because I look healthy and happy on the outside doesn't mean that's what is going on inside. A popular quote tells us not to judge others because we don't know what battle they are fighting. Since I've gotten sick, I've been more observant about this and am trying to be less judgmental of others. Just because these illnesses are invisible doesn't mean they can't be talked about. I'm a big fan of spreading awareness about my conditions. My motto is, "If you got it, flaunt it. No shame." There is no reason why I should hide what I've been through and what I struggle with now. I know writing this blog has been able to help others who are going through the same thing, and I'm beyond thankful that I have the opportunity to do this.  

Since all my health issues are invisible, it can be easy to be occupied with the present and not the past. It's been almost three years since I was finally healthy in August of 2012. A lot has happened in those three years. Yet there are daily reminders of my health journey everywhere. I have four scars on my stomach from my surgery, my mask from the surgery is hanging in my room, my artwork with prescription labels is also in my room, and I always sleep with my teddy bear dressed in scrubs. All these reminders are so familiar to me now. However, last week I was going through one of my dresser drawers when I found my collection of hospital bracelets with my name, age, DOB, and doctor's name on it. I was already having an emotional day, and this tipped me over the edge. My mom came upstairs to find me surrounded by these paper bracelets and sobbing. I felt like I had finally moved past everything that had happened to me and it all came rushing back. All these images flashed through my mind of me sitting in freezing cold hospital waiting rooms for a test that might give me an answer to what was wrong. I saw myself reading Harry Potter while dressed in nothing but a hospital gown waiting for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. I remembered when I got sick the second time around (after being healthy for eight months) and reading a book about British monarchs once again dressed in a hospital gown and waiting for my third endoscopy and second colonoscopy. It's no wonder why I feel I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Don't even get my started on the trip to hell and back when I went to see Dr. Satan in Iowa City. There are "triggers" that get my mind fixed on that nightmare, and I can't do anything to stop that. Don't get me wrong, there are a million positive blessings that came from my health journey, and I thank God for them all the time. Looking at the facts though, there are memories and aspects of my health journey that cause emotional distress when I dwell on them. I don't know what causes this or if it will ever go away, but I think of my health journey as an ever-present companion that I carry with me, for better and for worse.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

Final Post: Acceptance

Epilogue

I officially "called it" on Labor Day of 2013. I had a lot of manage, but the key was that I could manage all the medicines and diets. I no longer struggled daily with that horrid gastritis pain. Once I felt 100% better, my last year of high school began to fly by. The math class at the community college presented its challenges, but it was a great way to prepare me for college academics. In October of 2013, my mom and I were the (very proud!) co-coordinators of Making Tracks for Celiacs: Des Moines--the first ever celiac disease awareness walk in Des Moines. After months of planning, the walk was a huge success! My mom and I were interviewed in the Des Moines Register and KCCI Channel 8 broadcast live from the walk and interviewed me. Over $4,000 was raised and 150 people participated. It was a dream come true! The year of 2013 ended and 2014 began. This was going to be a big year for me: I would graduate high school and go to college. I was very thankful when I finished high school for several reasons. First, I made it a whole year of high school without something medically bad happening.
 Freshman year: mono, c.diff, and celiac disease.
 Sophomore year: surgery, Iowa City, hospitalized, IBS, and gastroparesis
Junior year: gastritis
Understandably, I was quite intimidated by what could possibly happen during my senior year! Thankfully, nothing happened. I was proud of myself for finishing high school on time and with good grades.

Where Am I Now?

These days, I am feeling great! I will occasionally have a day where I do everything I'm supposed to, but I just don't feel good. That comes with having four chronic digestive disorders. However, I would say that I feel well 95% of the time! My diet is still restricted but much less than what it used to be. I currently avoid gluten, dairy, meat, bananas, coconut, tomatoes, and onions. As for medicines, I still take amitriptyline and prescription prevacid. I have completely weaned myself off of cholestryamine because it was making my stomach hurt after I took it. Not living with all the nasty side effects has greatly improved my quality of life! I also take a vitamin, probiotic, Miralax, and peppermint oil capsules.
 I can run anywhere between three to four miles three times a week, and I still enjoy it just as much as I did when I started. To date, I have participated in seven 5k races.
 This summer, I am working (still at the daycare!) and running a lot. I recently returned from a trip to Texas to visit my cousin and her incredible family. My cousin has her own health issues and has been a constant source of friendship at support! I will turn 19 next Sunday, and shortly after that I will embark on my latest adventure: college. I will be attending Iowa State University for dietetics. I plan on becoming a pediatric clinical dietitian after I graduate. Just the thought of having the opportunity to help kids who are sick and in hospitals fills me with joy. Going to college is a big step for me, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. In addition to managing everything that is college, I will be bringing along my restricted diet, medicines, and health problems. I believe that God will give me the strength to manage all of this, just like He has given me strength to manage chronic illness at a young age.

Final Glances

Before I publish this last post, there are a few more things I want to say. My health journey was unexpected, chronic, complicated, and rough. At the same time, there are so many blessings that have come from it.
My faith: this is something that has definitely increased since I got sick. I have a small notebook filled with encouraging verses from the Bible that I read every day when I was sick. It was amazing to experience the amount of peace and comfort I got from these verses. Multiple times one of these verses would "randomly" pop into my head in a time that I needed to hear something encouraging, comforting, or reassuring. I have now personally seen how God works "all things for the good of those who love Him" and that He does have a plan for us. God has placed incredible people in my life, and it's amazing to think about how His plan has played out through all sorts of people. All of the blessings/lessons I've learned listed below would never have occurred if I hadn't gotten sick. Yes, living with all that I have and experiencing everything that I've been through was not pleasant. Do I wish it would have never happened? No. If I could go back in time and magically prevent all of this from happening, I wouldn't! As I mentioned above, I want to be a dietitian. I would never in a million years have decided on that career choice if I hadn't been sick enough to require a dietitian's help. I would have probably ended up as a speech language pathologist or a personal trainer, but I am SO excited for my future as a dietitian! I love how I can finally see a little bit of God's great plan for me.
My family: I have formed very close relationships with my family, especially my mom and grandparents, during my health journey. My mom was (and still is) my constant source of support. If I don't feel good or something isn't going right, she is the first person I turn to. She can always cheer
me up and make me feel better. I'm so thankful for the memories, both good and bad, that we've gone made and the experiences that we've gone through together. I know that I wouldn't have made it out of my health crisis without her! My grandparents have also been so supportive. It started with them baking me gluten-free treats and making family gatherings "Sarah Safe". Since then, my grandpa and I text each other every night and we all enjoy being together. Both of my grandparents are inspirations to me; they've been through so much but yet they are the kindest people I know. I've also deeply bonded with my precious cat, Oliver. He's always been my baby, but when I got sick he became even closer to me. He always comforted me when I was upset by purring, rubbing his face against my hand, and rolling around on the floor to make me laugh. He even kneads his paws on my stomach when I don't feel good! I have also developed close relationships with two of my cousins, Lisa and Leda. We don't live close, but we are certainly close at heart! All three of my dad's siblings have also showed so much care and concern through my health journey. I never felt like I was going through this alone; I could always feel the support and prayers that were coming from my spread-across-the-country family!

My friends: When my health reached the point where I was always canceling plans with friends because I didn't feel good, only two of my friends stuck by my side. Elizabeth and T. Both of them always asked how I was feeling and were very sensitive to my health. They didn't seem to mind if I canceled existing plans because a doctor appointment or test came up. I've been friends with Elizabeth since I was in kindergarten, and T. and I have been friends since first or second grade. Both of them have secured a place in my wedding :P The family that I babysat for have also proved to me huge blessings. Those kiddos were the perfect distraction for me when I needed one. Erika, their amazing mother, always filled me with hope and encouragement when I was sick.
My doctors and medical team: I talk a lot in my blog about my doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals I've interacted with. I think if I would have been younger or older, the medical staff I had wouldn't have mattered as much. However, I was at such a vulnerable age: 15-18 years old. I spent more time in waiting rooms and with the doctor than I did at friends' houses. Therefore, my nurses and doctors became my friends. I now consider them family. Each doctor has made a difference in my life and for that I will be forever thankful. Of course, there's always that doctor. Even though Dr. Satan did absolutely nothing to improve my quality of life, he did teach me things. He taught me to appreciate the good doctors. He taught me to advocate for myself, even if the "doctor" didn't believe a word I said. He taught me how to stand tall and strong in the midst of a raging storm. This doesn't mean that I speak well of him because I had to learn all of these things thanks to him. When I look back at my time with him, it doesn't go well for me. I know he has affected other patients in a similar way. There are days when I want to report him to the Iowa Board of Medicine or blackmail him, but then I remind myself of two things my mom told me: "God will take care of people like him" and "The best revenge is you feeling better because of doctors in Des Moines."
 My mom and I regularly get together with Nurse T. for lunch or walks. She is such a good friend and an inspiration. My friendship with Nurse T. is the perfect example of one of the greatest blessings that has come from my health journey.

Facts and Figures:  My mom finds these figured depressing, but I find them interesting and somewhat amusing. From 2010-2013, I visited the hospital 105 times. I had five ultrasounds, seven x-rays, three endoscopies, two colonoscopies, one surgery, and nine nuclear medicine tests. I saw 15 doctors from 11 different specialties.
Thank YOU: When I started this blog, I didn't know if it would be successful. I figured the only people who would read it would be my family and friends. As of today, however, over 3,800 people in 12 different countries have read this blog! Thank you for showing interest in my blog. As I'm about to mention, writing this blog has been crucial for me to move forward from my health journey.
Things I've Learned: I have learned that nothing tastes as good as feeling good, sometimes all you need to do is read a Harry Potter book, it's okay to cry, peppermint does wonders on a troubled tummy, never tell a sick person how terrible they look, understanding the family tree of the British Monarchy is a great distraction, cats provide great comfort, some GI doctors look up so many buttholes that they become one, not every doctor will be as great as mine so I thank God for my doctors, coffee is a laxative, gluten can be hidden in anything and everything, people will say stupid stuff because they are ignorant, a walk around the lake can mentally transform a person, and everyone has a story, baggage, and pains that they will always carry with them.

When a traumatic event happens, there are five stages of mourning: shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. As I look back on my health journey, I can clearly see the times when I went through these stages. I can also see when I went through these stages after I felt better. The psychological recovery after the physical recovery of chronic illness is just as important. It took me a while to learn how to function without feeling sick. After I discovered this, I had a hard time accepting and moving on from my recently won battle. When I started this blog, I just wanted to share my story and maybe help some people. I had no idea that writing my health story would be such a cleansing process. I had to dig down deep and re-live the past few years. This was not easy to do, but after I published each post, I had this wonderful feeling of peace. Yes, bad things have happened to me but it's okay. I survived, I am alive, and I am thriving. I am living the life that I dreamed about when I was sick; I can run, work, and do what I want to do. I'm even going to college soon! I will never be able to forget everything that has happened to me, but I've come to the point where I don't dwell on what has happened. I'm a total sentimentalist so my health journey will always be in my heart. I am not the same person that I was before I got sick, and I would like to think that my health journey has made me a better person. I'm so thankful that I started this blog as it has given me the final stage of the grieving process: acceptance.

After
August 2014

"I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith." -2nd Timothy 4:7



Before
August 2010



 

 

 

THE END!!!!!!!!!

 

P.S. If you would take a few minutes to give me some feedback, that would be fantastic! Please leave a comment below with how you discovered my blog, what made you read it, and your thoughts, comments, or questions. Thank you!! :)

April & May 2013: Winter Has Come Back Again

April 2013:

We left off with me having stomach pain and extreme fullness just a few bites in to breakfast on April 12, 2013. This continued for the rest of the day. Thankfully, I was able to escape the pain while having a fun time with my friend Elizabeth. The pain was back the next day and stayed for the rest of the weekend. I had increased my Miralax, in case I was constipated, but that didn't seem to be the problem. I was starting to get worried. My biggest fear was that the gastroparesis was getting worse; what if I ended up having to have feeding tubes like Beth? My mom called Nurse T. to get her opinion. We had stopped the weekly weight checks at the end of 2012, and while it was great to not go to the hospital every week, I did miss talking with Nurse T. Nurse T. suggested that we come in to see Dr. S., my pediatrician, so we made an appointment for the following Tuesday. At that appointment, Dr. S. said, "I see people all the time who have stomach aches, but I always flinch more when it's you." Dr. S. said that it could be a virus, but he seemed just as worried as we were. Dr. S. decided to order an abdominal x-ray because of my history with stomach/bowel problems. Besides, the pain and fullness, I felt fine. I didn't feel lethargic or achy. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the x-ray results came back. I had, once again, colonic constipation. I just about cried. I did not want to go through another clean out process again, but it was the only option. In addition to this, I was also very close to finishing my junior year of high school. That means I was preparing to take the ACT test in a few weeks, and I was very nervous. I didn't have time to get cleaned out! I was somewhat relieved that it was "just" colonic constipation, and not worsening of my gastroparesis or the dreaded "something else". I started the all too familiar clean out process by drinking another magnesium citrate. I did have improvement after the clean out, but the fullness returned a few days later. As my luck would have it, Dr. S. was on vacation so Nurse T. suggested that I see a different doctor within their practice, Dr. El. If you remember from "The Devil Wears a Lab Coat", I saw Dr. El. briefly when the medicine Dr. Satan put me on caused my chest to feel tight. Dr. El. is a very sweet doctor who calls his patients "sweetheart", "beautiful", and "princess". I was a little nervous to see a new doctor, since Dr. S. knows me and my history so well, but a few minutes with Dr. El. assured me that I had nothing to be nervous about. Dr. El. wasn't so sure that I was completely cleaned out, even with the magnesium citrate. He wanted me to do an enema one a day for three days and drink mineral oil three times a day for 3-5 days. I think we're all familiar with enemas so I won't disgust you by providing details about that. Mineral oil, however, is something not everybody is familiar with:
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Mineral Oil:  a distillation product of petroleum, especially one used as a lubricant, moisturizer, or laxative.
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Drinking mineral oil is like drinking Elmer's glue, the runny type. It's slimy and covers your entire mouth in this slime. It was absolutely disgusting! I was spending a lot of time in the bathroom, but still not feeling like my normal self. I was still full early into meals, and my stomach felt like it had been beaten with a baseball bat after I ate. I was starting to doubt that this was just constipation.

May 2013

With school and the ACT test behind me, I tried to start enjoying my summer. I was working more hours at the daycare and coming up on my one year anniversary there. Wedding plans were also picking up speed as we approached the July date of my brother's wedding. Showers, dress shopping, craft days, and mint making days took up most weekends. I still continued to run and make great progress on the Couch 2 5k plan. I also still battling these mysterious new stomach issues. I felt so full that eating was once again very difficult. I had stopped eating all bread products because they felt too heavy in my stomach. Nothing seemed to help my stomach; I tried Altoids and peppermint tea but that didn't help. The only thing that made a tiny difference was sucking on peppermint hard candies; I usually averaged about five a day. I saw Dr. El. again on May 1 since I had absolutely no improvements. Dr. El. wanted me to have another x-ray of my abdomen, but his in office x-ray tech wasn't there that day. I made the familiar walk over the hospital and into outpatient admitting. I usually have great experiences with x-ray techs, but this time wasn't so great. I had two women, one of which was a student, who argued the entire time. They disagreed on where the top of my leg was, where to put the x-ray, and how many pictures to take. I was relieved to finally get away from them. Dr. El. told us that once the results were back, he was going to ask both Dr. S. and Dr. Di (my pediatric GI) to look at the results with him. Dr. El. was also starting to wonder if constipation wasn't the problem, and he thought it was time to bring Dr. Di in. Although I would rather not be in this situation, I was comforted by the fact that all my doctors would be working together for me.
 The next day, I was finishing taking a shower when I heard my mom run down the stairs and knock repeatedly on the bathroom door. Something was wrong. I could hear panic in my mom's voice as she said, "Sarah....the receptionist from Dr. Di's office called, and he wants to see you tomorrow morning." We hadn't heard anything from anybody about the x-ray results. Was it so bad that my GI doctor wanted to see me? It's difficult to get an immediate appointment with Dr. Di so why would they need to squeeze me in as soon as possible? My mom called Nurse T. to get her opinion. Nurse T. said that the x-ray showed that my colon looked much better, but she thought we should take the appointment. I was scheduled to work a full day at the daycare, but my boss said I could leave for the appointment and then come back. I was so nervous; I had no idea what to expect.
 The unexpected appointment fell on my second anniversary of being gluten-free. I tried to not think about how depressing it was that I was still having stomach issues even after two years of being on the gluten-free diet. My mom picked me up from work and we drove though a snowstorm (yes, a snowstorm in May) to Dr. Di's office. When he asked me what was going on, I did my best to make it clear that I felt full but not a constipation-like full. Dr. Di said that he wasn't 100% sure that constipation was the problem, but he wanted me to do one more clean out just in case. When Dr. Di asked if I was able to get a magnesium citrate down, my mom informed him that I had drank five bottles of magnesium citrate since this problem started less than a month ago.
"You drank five bottles of magnesium citrate?!?!" He exclaimed.

Surprise from my mom!

My mom further revealed that I did three enemas (to which Dr. Di rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue) and 15 ounces of mineral oil for five days ("oh ew...I don't even know why they use mineral oil anymore!"). Thankfully, Dr. Di had a much less aggressive clean out plan: a mega dose of Miralax twice a day for five days. If I still didn't have any improvement, I would swallow radioactive pills and have x-rays taken to see where the pills were and if there was a slow down anywhere. Dr. Di had been in communication (by texting!) with Dr. El., and they both thought that I could have gastritis--inflammation of the stomach. After confirming the plan, Dr. Di left with his usual, "hang in there", and my mom drove me back to work. I went into the appointment feeling very nervous, but I felt confident about the next plan. All I need is a plan.
 Since it was my second anniversary of being gluten-free, my mom surprised me at work with green (the celiac disease awareness color) flowers and balloons!

I was going to the bathroom more, but I still felt the same. I finally knew that constipation was not the problem. Dr. Di prescribed omeprazole to treat possible gastritis. When I picked up the medicine at the pharmacy, I asked the pharmacist how long it would take to kick in.
"It depends." The pharmacist said. "What do they think is wrong with you this time?"
That is a sign that you have been too sick for too long!
 On Friday, May 10, I started the Sitz marker test:
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Sitz marker test: Radioactive pills are swallowed and two x-rays are taken three days apart. The x-rays show how the rate that the pills are moving and checks for obstructions.
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Call me a nerd, but I think this is incredibly cool! Nurse J. in Dr. Di's office gave me the pills to swallow, and my mom and I went over to the hospital for yet another x-ray. We would come back for the next x-ray on Monday.
 Meanwhile, I completed a big accomplishment: I ran all the way around the 2.2 mile lake! I was so proud of myself and the progress I had made. Although my stomach was fighting me again, I fought back by doing what I wanted to do. The Sitz marker test results came back on May 14, showing that I had slow transit constipation on the right side of my colon where the small intestine hooks on to the large intestine..

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Slow transit constipation (STC): This syndrome is attributed to disordered colonic motor function.
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This sounds like another scary diagnosis to add to my list (and maybe for some people it is), but it really isn't. Dr. Di wanted me to take two senna (a laxative) tablets for two weeks. My mom asked when the omeprazole would start working, and Nurse J. said to give it two weeks. Meanwhile, I continued working and running while fighting the stomach pain and fullness. Towards the end of May, my symptoms began to get worse. My stomach started to hurt constantly, not just after eating. I kept track, and I felt full three bites into a meal. I was already eating half size portions because of my gastroparesis, but now I could only manage 1/4 of a meal. I jokingly said that it was time to take another beating whenever it was time to eat, but that's truly how my stomach felt after I ate. I was also tired and usually took a nap in the afternoon.

A climbing wall champ

 I tried to enjoy myself at our annual Memorial Day camping trip. I climbed to the top of the climbing tower though! The weather was nasty and prevented us from being outside as much as we usually were. Plus, I was so uncomfortable. Now I woke up feeling full and in pain...before I even ate anything! My mom was going to call Nurse J. as soon as the long weekend was over. Something was definitely very wrong. I tried to not get down in the dumps about how I was feeling. I was still shocked that all this had happened again. How did I go from delivery cookies because I felt so great to x-rays and numerous doctor appointments?
 My mom called Nurse J. after Memorial Day and told him about my symptoms. The omeprazole didn't help and taking the senna tablet didn't help. What else could we try? I probably should have seen what happened next coming, but it still took me by surprise. I was outside walking my cat (yes, I put a leash and collar on my cat and walk him around the backyard) when my mom came outside and over to where Oliver and I were. I could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't happy.
"Dr. Di wants to do another endoscopy and colonoscopy on June 6."

TO BE CONTINUED.......

Eight Months Later

September 2012: Moving On

Celiac disease awareness walk

Autumn had officially arrived in Iowa. The leaves were changing colors and all things pumpkin and apple scented were hot buys. I was still feeling great! I had stopped the visceral massage therapy due to the therapist telling me that my bowel troubles were because of "thoughts that I needed to let go of". Needless to say, I never saw her again. Exciting events were happening in my family: my brother proposed to his longtime girlfriend! We were all thrilled to have a new member of the family.
 The one year anniversary of my gall bladder surgery passed on September 23. It was funny to think of living 365 days without one of my organs, but I was very thankful about that! Another sign that I was healthy was walking in a 5k! I discovered a celiac disease awareness walk in Kansas City, and my family and I went. It was so much fun! I dreamed of Des Moines having a celiac walk after I was diagnosed, but it took so much effort to plan! *side note: my mom and I co-coordinated a very successful celiac disease awareness walk in October of 2013 in Des Moines!* I was proud of myself for being able to walk 3.2 miles. Maybe I was in better shape than I thought!

October 2012: Stronger

Race for the Cure

October brought my future sister-in-law asking me to be a bridesmaid in their wedding! I had never been in a wedding before so I was very excited. I also had a small experiment going on with my diet. I noticed that my stomach was upset whenever I ate any type of sweet--cookies, cupcakes, cake, pie, etc.--so I cut out most sweets and felt tremendously better.
 After two years of sitting out, I was finally able to participate in Race for the Cure! I decked out in all pink and walked the 3.2 mile course with my mom and sister. It was cold, but we had fun anyways. That night was Reggie's Sleepout, a night where people slept in tents in a football stadium to benefit homeless people. It was like 26 degrees or something horrid like that, so I bundled up in multiple layers. I wouldn't say that I enjoyed the event, but I'm glad I was able to do it once in my life.

November 2012: A Very Thankful Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving

I don't think I had ever been as thankful as I was this year. I was making enormous strides with my health. I started a very simple workout routine consisting of floor strengthening exercises, and I could tell that I was making great progress. I always enjoyed fitness before I got sick and it was a goal of mine to eventually start running, but I had to reach my goal weight first. Even though I was feeling healthy, I wasn't at a healthy weight. Anyways, I was able to do everything that I wanted to do when I was sick. I was working and babysitting, driving everywhere, hanging out with friends, exercising, and actually having a life. At Thanksgiving, I was so thankful for my family, friends, doctors, nurses, medicines, and everything else that got me to this point.

December 2012: Where My Demons Hide

Brother Bear's graduation

I am a Christmas fanatic so I usually enjoy the month of December. Even though I was looking forward to Christmas, there were two big obstacles in this month. The first of which was my brother's college graduation. Of course, I was very proud of my brother for earning his degree but unfortunately, his graduation took place in Iowa City. I had struggled with flashbacks and bad memories about going to Dr. Satan in Iowa City and everything that happened after for almost an entire year. How was I supposed to go back?! I knew that I wasn't going to the hospital; I was going to celebrate my brother graduation. I also knew that being back in that city would wreck havoc inside me. Leading up to graduation weekend, I was felt sick with anxiety. I had been around Iowa City numerous times when my brother was a student at the university so I knew how the city was set up. I listened to the song "Titanium" while driving through the city to help calm my nerves. I was very tense and alert for the whole weekend. I constantly looked over my shoulder and around me. My heart skipped a beat every time I saw an older man. The scariest moment of all came when we were leaving the graduation ceremony. I immediately recognized the hospital parking ramp and the entrance that I used when I went there. It didn't take long before I started shaking, my heart raced rapidly, and I broke out in a cold sweat. I tried to console myself by looking through pictures on my iPod of Cookie Delivery Day and of my doctors and heroes, but it didn't stop the traumatic feelings and emotions from playing through my head. As much as I love spending time with my brother, I couldn't wait to be back in Des Moines.
 The next obstacle hit right after Christmas. I had recently befriended the daughter of a church member. Beth was her name, and she had severe gastroparesis; her stomach literally did not move. She "ate" by feeding tubes and threw up whenever she ate anything. My gastroparesis is not as severe as Beth's, but we were able to bond through our common struggles. Beth was a 24 year old fighter. She was feisty, spoke everything that was on her mind, and didn't care who heard it. Her doctors in Des Moines had given up, but I knew that her attitude would pull her through. She was scheduled to have a gastric pacemaker placed in February. On Christmas Eve, we exchanged gifts and made plans to go out for lunch sometime. On December 27, Beth text me saying that she was in the ER due to dehydration and pain on the left side of her body. She wanted me to come and visit her the next day. The texts that I received from Beth didn't make much sense, but I figured that she was just distracted. I text her in the afternoon on December 28, and I thought it was strange that she didn't instantly reply like she always did. I was at the movie theater, seeing The Hobbit with my mom and sister. When we left the theater, there was a text on my mom's phone from my dad, telling her to call him. My sister and I were talking about the movie when my mom suddenly burst out, "WHAT?!" while talking to my dad. She broke into tears, which she rarely does, so I knew something was very wrong. My first thought was that something had happened to my grandparents. My mom got off the phone with my dad and said, "Oh Sarah, I'm so sorry." My instinct told me that my beloved cat, Oliver, had escaped or died.

The bracelet Beth gave me
and a gastroparesis
awareness bracelet

"Beth died." When my mom first told me this, I was in complete doubt. No, that's not possible. I'm going to text her and ask if she died. Of course, that would make no sense but it shows how doubtful I was. As my mom passed on the minor details from my dad, I felt like a heavy weight was slowly pressing down on me. I would never get a "hey hunny! how you feeling?" text from her. We would never have lunch together. I would never go over to her house and play with her adorable daughters. I would never be able to show her the manicure that I got with her gift certificate she gave me for Christmas. I was unable to move for the rest of the car ride. At home, I stood in the snowy driveway until my mom had to move me inside. I finally broke down sobbing. How did the girl I gave a present to on Christmas Eve be dead four days later? Somehow my brother had found out the news and called me right away. Moving on from this obstacle was very difficult and writing about it has been just as hard as writing about what happened in Iowa City. The year had came in like a lion and seemed to be leaving just as bad. Beth's funeral gave me comfort; our pastor talked about how Beth won the battle. She was no longer suffering every single day like she was on earth. It made me smile to think of Beth marching around Heaven telling everybody what was on her mind. I got the manicure she gave me for Christmas the day before her funeral, and I chose purple nail polish in honor of Beth's favorite color. I still wear the beautiful friendship bracelet she gave me about a month before she died, and I see her mother and daughter regularly at church. Beth's daughter is a spitting image of herself, both in looks and attitude! I always smile when I see her daughter march up the aisle to the front of the church for the kids' sermon, and I know Beth is doing the same thing in Heaven.

January 2013: A New Beginning

New Year's Day is always a day to wipe away the bad from the last year and welcome new thoughts of a great new year. 2012 definitely had its bad and good moments. It was hard to move on from Beth's death, but I found myself feeling physically sick whenever I thought of her and the things we never accomplished. I knew that Beth would not want me to not feel well because of thoughts about her, but I was down in the dumps for a while. A follow up with my pediatric GI doctor, Dr. Di, helped cheer me up. The receptionist greeted me with a cheerful smile, and Nurse J. was happy to see him. He had just returned from a vacation in South America and picked up a pin from Lima, Peru for me! Both Nurse J. and Dr. Di were glad to see that I was still feeling great AND that I had brought homemade candy for them. I was still walking on my NordicTrack after eating, and it was getting really old. I discovered that if I didn't eat meat, I didn't have to NordicTrack. I experimented for a few days and confirmed my hypothesis. I officially went vegetarian! I had always been interested in a vegetarian lifestyle, mainly because I love animals so much, and now I was able to try it. I found that I didn't miss meat at all!
 The first anniversary of my appointment with Dr. Satan came on January 23. I surprised my mom with flowers and drinks from Caribou Coffee as a way to make nice memories on what will forever be a very bad day.

February 2013: Sharing My Story

Ever since I had started feeling better, I had this desire to share my health story with the public. I had no idea how I would do that though. A friend of mine had just started blogging and that gave me an idea: maybe I should blog about my health journey. I didn't know if anyone would even be interested, but I figured it was worth a try. I have absolutely loved blogging, and I'm pleased to say that people are actually interested in my story!

Celebrating!

March 2013: A Lot Can Happen In One Year

March was an exciting month. At the beginning of March, I attended a special day at Iowa State University for students wanting to go into food science or human nutrition majors. It was very interesting, and it made me even more confident about going to ISU and becoming a dietitian.
The middle of March brought spring break. As you might remember from last spring break, I ended up in the hospital. Spring break of 2013 was completely different. I worked over 40 hours at both my daycare job and babysitting Lucy and Collin. I was completely exhausted by the time Friday of spring break came, but it was a good kind of tired. On the first anniversary of me being hospitalized, my mom and I went to the coffee shop at the hospital to celebrate how far I had come in a year.
The end of March finished up a great month with a great event: I hit my goal weight! That meant that I could start jogging again. I had been dreaming (and saving money) about a wild pair of Asics running shoes, and now I could finally get them!

April 2013: You Never Know How Strong You Are....

I bought my dream running shoes on April 1, and started using them the next day. I was going to do the Couch 2 5k program, which I would highly recommend to anyone who wants to get started running. I'll never forget my first one-minute run; it was a scene straight out of Chariots of Fire! I enjoyed running three times a week in my new shoes and workout clothes. Running was the last item to be crossed off my wellness bucket list.

My dream running shoes: Asics Gel
Nossa Tri 8

 I woke up one morning, April 12 to be exact, feeling completely normal. I sat down for breakfast, which I oddly remember was a yogurt and granola parfait, and took three bites. BAM. Instant stomach pain. BAM. Extreme fullness. I tried to stay calm as I assessed the situation. Was the yogurt dairy-free? Yes. Was the granola gluten-free and honey-free? Yes. Was I constipated? No. Had I taken my medicine the night before? Yes. I knew I couldn't stop at just three bites so I forced the rest of my breakfast down. When I say forced, I mean it. I had that after-Thanksgiving-meal-where-you're-so-full-you-can't-move-and-think-you're-going-to-burst feeling. What was going on? I told my mom about this, and we decided to increase my Miralax since constipation could cause problems like this. I tried to not worry, but I had never experienced this feeling before. What could possibly be wrong now?

TO BE CONTINUED.......

"You can go the distance/you can run the mile/you can walk straight through hell with a smile"