The End is Just a New Beginning

May 2016

Beginning, just let that word wash over you

It's all right now; love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one, leave the darkness and feel the sun

Because your story is far from over, and your journey has just begun

Well, friends, I am halfway done with my college education. Yes, I am terrified and excited about that. I am pursuing a degree in Dietetics and Child, Adult, and Family Services. I was officially accepted into my program as well as my college's honor society. I finished the year without failing any of my classes and made some new friends this semester. When I finished my freshman year, I didn't want to leave campus and my friends. My thoughts about my sophomore year ending couldn't be any more opposite. I was dying to leave. I enjoyed packing because it went I was getting closer to leaving. Once I was finally freed after my last final and could go home, I unpacked everything in under 48 hours. See, the ending of this school year means a new beginning for me. A new beginning to start fresh, rest, renew my passion for working in a hospital, and get a break from the stresses and anxieties of school. Sophomore year was pretty bad; there was definitely good moments, memories, and things I learned, but overall it was pretty crappy. I learned a lot though and more than just nutrition and microbes. Below are a list of things I've learned and how learning those things has made me feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago:

1. Take Care of Yourself....and walk away from toxic people

Everybody knows how important it is to take care of yourself in college, especially if you're managing chronic illness. There's another type of self-care though. It's called self-respect. Throughout my sophomore year, I can think of multiple "friends" who ended up not being so friendly after all. I was heartbroken each and every time one of these people crossed the line, went too far, or said something deeply hurtful. I found myself wanting to do everything in my power to keep their friendship. Then I realized, why am I using my limited amount of time and energy to try and convince someone to keep being friends with me? After realizing this, I began to see these conflicts as not my fault-but theirs. One of my good friends pointed this out to me also. I told her about all the drama with each friend, and she said: "Sarah, you realize none of that is your fault right?" I don't know why I was blaming myself and taking responsibility for their lack of maturity or understanding. After this I really started to examine the "friendships" I had with people, and it turns out some of them were pretty toxic. I started to have more respect and love for myself and walk away from the "friends" who were actually "people I know."

2. Emotional Attachments are Dangerous

This lesson goes along with number one. I realized towards the end of the year that the girl who was my first friend at college and who I loved dearly wasn't actually that good of a friend to me. She had made me feel bad for choices I've made, disrespected my faith and political views, and was far from understanding during a crisis moment in life. I still wanted to view her as the nice girl I met freshman year, but she isn't that same person! It took a friend to finally say: "Sarah...do you have to be friends with this person??" to see that just because someone is your BFF freshman year, doesn't mean they're always going to stay like that. That's when I discovered that I make emotional attachments with people. This has put me in a bad position and unhealthy relationship several times before.  

3. Take Time to Love Yourself

Let's be honest: I manage celiac disease, IBS, gastritis, gastroparesis, hypoglycemia, slow transit constipation, myofascial pain syndrome, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Yes, 10 chronic illnesses. That's a lot not only for me to manage but for others to manage. Sometimes I catch myself thinking something along the lines of, maybe so-and-so said that hurtful thing because she couldn't handle me being sick. If this is true, I can only hope not, but I definitely struggle with self-esteem and wondering if people like me or if I tell them I have 10 chronic illnesses, they'll run the other direction. This kind of stuff will destroy you. Towards the end of the semester, I decided to set aside time for myself. I treated myself to nice coffee (decaf, because caffeine, anxiety, and hypoglycemia do not mix well at all) drink, did something I enjoyed, wrote down a list of what I like about myself, or went on a quiet walk all by myself. I think I'm slowly getting to a place where I am more accepting and loving of myself. Instead of thinking, what is this person going to think when I talk about my health, I think, maybe I'll be able to touch or help someone else by sharing my health. My health doesn't define my life, but it is part of it. If someone can't handle that, they can leave.

4. Be Yourself

I used to hide the fact that I'm gluten-free. I used to avoid talking about my anxiety. I used to purposely not say anything about my emotional support animal who lives in the dorms with me. That was exhausting! One time I "accidentally" mentioned something about my cat--and guess what? The world didn't explode! The girl I was talking to was actually really interested in my cat and thought it was SO COOL that I could have my cat with me. After that, I realized it was okay to be myself and not try to hide what is a big part of my life. Being more authentic and honest has helped me accept myself and has also helped open doors to great discussions with others!

5. Boys Complicate Things-stick to brothers

Having a boyfriend or "talking" to a guy is great and exciting, but it is also stressful, time-consuming, and complicated. I've experienced this a couple times (and it ended in a flaming train wreck), and I've witnessed friends experience it (and seen it end in a flaming train wreck). You know what's really great though? Having guys that are more like brothers to you. Call me crazy, but this is actually great. My brother lives two hours away so I don't get to see him much. Thankfully I've been able to meet some XY species at college who I think of as brothers. There is absolutely zero attraction there so I don't have to worry about that; instead I think of them as my brothers. They are all followers of Christ as well, and I can ask for prayers or advice from them. Nobody gets lead on, hurt, or upset. Everybody is just friends-brothers and sisters in Christ.

So there you have it! Summer is a new beginning. By the grace of God, I survived sophomore year and am on to bigger and better things.

It's Not Over Yet,

Sarah

Living That Chronic Illness Life

August 2015

Well my friends, I think this is going to be as good as it gets. From what I've read, there is no magical cure for depression and anxiety. It's something you have to manage. Hmmmm...does that sounds familiar to you? Celiac disease. No cure; manage it with your diet. IBS. No cure but meds to take the pain away; you still have to manage all the lovely side effects. Gastroparesis. Definitely no cure; eat smaller meals to manage it. Gastritis. No cure; manage it by taking pills to reduce acid. Depression and anxiety; no cure but be observant to what makes you worse, take medication, and try a slew of natural remedies. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). No cure; learn how to avoid your triggers for management. Notice a theme? I think sometimes we focus too much on getting rid of the problem. However, some things in life we can't just get rid of. Realizing that every single day I manage the symptoms of seven chronic illnesses, it's no wonder that I'm so exhausted in the evenings. I read in one of my "self-help books" about how much energy a person uses fighting illness. Managing chronic illness is exhausting. What gives me comfort is that my body is used to managing things that aren't right in my body. Recently, I've had very good days! I don't burst into tears over nothing, and I haven't been too anxious to leave my house. There are still "bad" moments though, especially at night. Is that any different from managing IBS? I've had good days where my digestion agrees with me and then bad days where I swear I can literally feel my colon clamping down. A huge blessing that has come from my health journey is my body's ability to cope and manage. That's why I love this quote so much:

 

I know I can survive anything. I've often given myself this pep talk before. I'll say to myself, 'if you've had your stomach cut open and your gall bladder removed, you can take this organic chemistry test.'

 

One thing I want to make clear is to never let what you manage control your life and who you are. I drug two containers of Miralax and extra prescription medicines across the ocean to England. Nothing is ever going to stand in my way. Not my health, my medicines, my restricted diet, or my past is going to keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. This determination combined with the ability to survive anything is pure power, and it isn't just for me. No matter what you've been through or what's happened to you, you have the ability and skill to survive. Even if you don't feel like it, I can promise you it's there.

(or man!)

 

So embrace yourself! Even if it seems like nothing is going your way, your situation now is preparing you for the future. Life is going to take unexpected turns, but you will always have what you need to survive. Just stay positive. I could easily complain about how much I hate my life (which I do sometimes, when I'm having a bad day), but every day I have a choice to either stay inside and take pills or bring my pills with me because I'm managing these chronic illnesses and I'm still out there swinging. There came a time when I finally accepted my health journey. It look a long time, and there are still aspects of my health journey that I want to fight, but it's in the past and I've become a stronger person because of it. Eventually I will accept my mental health diagnosis as well, and I'll become accustomed to managing the symptoms, just like I've had to do in the past. The key is recognizing what you have to manage and coming up with ways to manage it.

 

All of what I just said is easier said than done. Some days I feel very overwhelmed with everything that I have to do to manage my chronic illnesses. Other days it's a breeze. It all goes back to managing. Not every day is going to be perfect or the same as the day before. I try to take one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I put my trust in God because I know He has a plan for me so huge that I can't even imagine it tonight. I know that God has planned every minute of every day, every tear, and every diagnosis. I know He is with me all the time and loves me very much. I know that God has a reason for why I live with seven chronic medical conditions and His reasoning will always work out for the good. This faith in God is what brings me peace about my health and the future. With God on my side, the ability to survive anything, and a huge dose of determination, I know the possibilities are endless.  

 







When The Meds Don't Work And You Have To Try Again

July 2015

Hi friends, family, and followers! I've been doing alright, maybe even a little bit better. I stopped taking my medicine for depression and anxiety and instead increased the low dose antidepressant I have been taking for IBS. I've had three very good days, which are like bright rays of sunshine. I've had lots of thoughts on my mind lately, and thought I would share them here.

 Self-help books are amazing. It's okay if you feel weird in the mental health section of the library and pray that you don't see anyone you know. I've checked out 10 books about depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. My doctor has mentioned how he thinks talking with a therapist would help me. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, that route is not for me. I felt very empowered with my stack of books and notebook that I take notes in. When I'm having a rough day, reading these books isn't a good idea and I'm better off reading Harry Potter. On days when I'm doing okay, I take immense comfort in the power of knowledge. Maybe it's the science-minded nerd that I am, but I feel so much better knowing how mental health issues happen and why these issues cause the symptoms that they do. The self-help books have also given me good tips to help manage these issues and help me feel like I'm in control. If anyone reading this is and is struggling with a health problem, I strongly suggest finding books to help explain your condition to you. Knowledge is power!

It's okay to feel the things we feel and accept those feelings. A lot of the books I've been reading have emphasized this a lot. It's important that we recognize feelings and accept them. By doing this, we can remember what caused these feelings. If these feelings aren't positive (called triggers), we can remember what caused the feelings and try our best to avoid them. For example, too much noise and stimulation gives me a lot of anxiety so I avoid places/situations that have this effect on me. Even something has simple has pausing the TV while the water in the tea pot is boiling helps me a lot. I've been able to use ear plugs at home when there is a lot of commotion in the house. At the same time, no noise at all makes me uncomfortable and takes me into my "dark place." So if I'm home alone, I watch TV or go workout until someone else is home and I feel comfortable reading.

Reaching out is so important. I've lost track of the times I've excited my mom or a close friend during an anxiety attack. I have also called my mom in a public bathroom stall during an attack. While it's not the same as being with someone else, talking it out can definitely help. There is NO SHAME in this. Reaching out, asking for prayers, or just telling someone of your struggles is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength: you know you can't do this on your own and you need help. If anyone treats you differently or doesn't support you, get rid of them instantly.

Never underestimate the power of our five senses. Two of the books I read was about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As I've said before, I believe I have PTSD. These books highlighted the role that the five senses (sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing) play a huge role in PTSD. I've experienced this in a negative way: the sight of the hospital in Iowa City sends me into a panic attack; the taste of applesauce and jello reminds me of how much I ate those foods when I was sick. I'll skip the fascinating science behind this, but if you're interested, check out Recovering From Trauma and PTSD and The Everything Guide to Overcoming PTSD. These senses are so powerful when it comes to bringing back bad memories, but I've been blessed to have these senses contribute to bringing me out of an anxiety attack and calming me down: the hospital that I work at uses the same soap that my pediatricians and pediatric GI doctor use. When I randomly smelled my hands at work one day, I immediately felt a calm and peaceful vibe come over me. I didn't put it together until later on in the day, but the smell of that soap reminds me of my doctors. I spent a lot of time with these guys, and what do doctors always do when they see a patient? Wash their hands. My brain associates the smell of that soap with the feeling of peace and safety that those doctors gave me. Whenever I was with them, I felt well cared for. I've been "stealing" this soap from the bathrooms in the hospital and smell it whenever I'm feeling anxious. Sure enough, it works. Every. Single. Time. Now, of course, what kind of sick and messed up person gets comfort from the smell of doctors? I do! Depending on the day, I either burst out laughing or into tears when I have to smell my soap because it is a little strange, but if it works I don't care how crazy it seems!

I'm learning that living with mental health issues is a struggle, especially when the medicine isn't working fast enough, but the burden of living with these issues can be lessened by learning how to cope with these issues in a way that works for you.

Again, thanks for reading! Hopefully these posts are sounding more positive!

Sarah :)

Blessing In The Battle

July 2015

I'm not going to sugar coat anything: as of tonight, I am not doing well. I feel as if the depression has reached an all time low. The medicine my doctor was very confident in didn't work. While there has been a slight decrease in my symptoms, it was never consistent. As of tonight, I am weaning off that medicine and trying something new tomorrow. Today was a really bad day. I'll spare the depressing details but say that I found myself wishing none of this had ever happened. My pediatrician is at the same hospital and office building where my health story took place. Normally this doesn't bother me. In a weird way, I enjoy going to that hospital. It's pretty much my second home, and who doesn't like going home? I have good memories of when I brought cookies to all my doctors and nurses. I still laugh when I think about some of the funny antics of the staff there. However today was different. I was very anxious the entire time there. I kept having PTSD-like flashbacks to the countless times I went into that building sick and hopeless. Suddenly all those happy memories were gone and replaced by dark memories that make me want to run out of the building. That my friends, is what depression does to you. Wishing that it never happened to me won't do anything. It happened. Now I have to live with it. So instead of dwelling on the bad memories and experiences, I wanted to write a post to help me focus on the good memories and blessings that came from my health journey:

*My pediatrician, Dr. S., telling me that it was safe for me to ride all the rides I wanted to at Universal Studios when I had mono
*The percent of people who have died from C.diff is growing, but C.diff didn't kill me
*My first pediatric GI doctor, Dr. D.S., was a quirky little guy with a different personality that always made me laugh
*Going gluten-free and dairy-free has forced me to eat healthier (NOT a reason for going gluten-free though!)
*When Dr. D.S. ran out of ideas, he referred me to an incredible doctor
*This doctor, Dr. Di, gave me a feeling of peace and contentment after the first appointment that I had never felt before when leaving a doctor's office...and called my mom on Labor Day to check on me
*I was tested for Crohn's disease and cancer; both were negative
*Dr. Di's nurse, Nurse J., was easily reached and immediately on it when my mom called saying that I had pain under my right side
*Dr. Di referred me to a great surgeon, Dr. R.
*This surgeon, with his dress pants and scrubs, took my gall bladder out flawlessly and improved my quality of life

*Month by month, my level of nausea dropped, which also improved my quality of life
*Harry Potter is the best distraction
*I truly learned the value of good doctors in January 2012
*Dr. S. came to my rescue when my colon was impacted
*The floor I was hospitalized on was so bright and clean
*Dr. Di was my doctor again and put me on the right medicine that gave me back my life
*I was finally able to deliver my cookie platters and thank my heroes
*I was able to make the Build-A-Bear that I had been dreaming of
*Dr. Di correctly diagnosed and treated me when my stomach problems returned
*Throughout my journey, my faith in God grew tremendously
*I have a great relationship with my mom
*I have a cat who knows exactly when to comfort me
*I have family members across the country who prayed for me
*I have my best friend, Elizabeth, who is always there for me
*I have a sister-in-law who understands me so well and is always encouraging
*My health problems have lead me down the career path that I already love
*Being gluten-free has introduced me to two of my best friends
*My health care team is amazing; they're like family to me











"All our sickness, all our sorrow
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still
Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to pain
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed." 

Invisible Illness & My Journey

June 2015

Hello friends!
 Not too much change here unfortunately. I'm now up to 20mg of my "happy pills". I've had some occasional bursts of energy in the past few days so I'm hoping the next couple days/weeks will be more positive than the last. If I can stay distracted and busy, the anxiety and sadness doesn't bother me as much. The increased dose is definitely affecting my ultra sensitive stomach. I don't have much of an appetite and my stomach hurts almost constantly. I've been using my previous techniques to help relieve this annoying side effect.

My main purpose for writing this post is to release some thoughts and feelings that have been going through my mind lately. If you see a picture of me, you would never guess that I have four chronic digestive disorders, depression, anxiety, and a touch of PTSD. A picture doesn't show that my small intestine can't absorb gluten or that my colon randomly pinches and gives me pain. You can't tell from a picture that the inside of my stomach is inflamed and I have low stomach acid. You also can't tell that my entire digestive track moves so slowly that I never feel hungry or that I don't have a gall bladder. You definitely can't tell from a picture that I have low serotonin levels in my brain. I have what is called an Invisible Illness, and multiple of them. Just because I look healthy and happy on the outside doesn't mean that's what is going on inside. A popular quote tells us not to judge others because we don't know what battle they are fighting. Since I've gotten sick, I've been more observant about this and am trying to be less judgmental of others. Just because these illnesses are invisible doesn't mean they can't be talked about. I'm a big fan of spreading awareness about my conditions. My motto is, "If you got it, flaunt it. No shame." There is no reason why I should hide what I've been through and what I struggle with now. I know writing this blog has been able to help others who are going through the same thing, and I'm beyond thankful that I have the opportunity to do this.  

Since all my health issues are invisible, it can be easy to be occupied with the present and not the past. It's been almost three years since I was finally healthy in August of 2012. A lot has happened in those three years. Yet there are daily reminders of my health journey everywhere. I have four scars on my stomach from my surgery, my mask from the surgery is hanging in my room, my artwork with prescription labels is also in my room, and I always sleep with my teddy bear dressed in scrubs. All these reminders are so familiar to me now. However, last week I was going through one of my dresser drawers when I found my collection of hospital bracelets with my name, age, DOB, and doctor's name on it. I was already having an emotional day, and this tipped me over the edge. My mom came upstairs to find me surrounded by these paper bracelets and sobbing. I felt like I had finally moved past everything that had happened to me and it all came rushing back. All these images flashed through my mind of me sitting in freezing cold hospital waiting rooms for a test that might give me an answer to what was wrong. I saw myself reading Harry Potter while dressed in nothing but a hospital gown waiting for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. I remembered when I got sick the second time around (after being healthy for eight months) and reading a book about British monarchs once again dressed in a hospital gown and waiting for my third endoscopy and second colonoscopy. It's no wonder why I feel I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Don't even get my started on the trip to hell and back when I went to see Dr. Satan in Iowa City. There are "triggers" that get my mind fixed on that nightmare, and I can't do anything to stop that. Don't get me wrong, there are a million positive blessings that came from my health journey, and I thank God for them all the time. Looking at the facts though, there are memories and aspects of my health journey that cause emotional distress when I dwell on them. I don't know what causes this or if it will ever go away, but I think of my health journey as an ever-present companion that I carry with me, for better and for worse.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

Where My Demons Hide: My New Battle

May 2015

Hello friends and blog followers! It's been quite a while since I last posted on here; I've been busy! Here's a quick update before we dive into this post:

I just finished a great first year of college! I am studying Dietetics and Child, Adult, & Family Services, and I absolutely love it. I've met some incredible people and learned a lot. It took me a while to adjust to living away from home, but I finally got the hang of it. I'm already excited for the Fall 2015 semester to start!
    I had the opportunity to go across the pond to England over spring break with my English class. I had so much fun! England has so many gluten-free options, and I didn't even get "glutened" on the trip. My class and I went to Exeter (southwest England), Dartmoor, and London. It was amazing to see all the famous landmarks that I've dreamed of seeing since I was little. This trip was very triumphant for me; I was able to prove to myself that my health can never hold me back from doing anything.

    I'm spending my summer working at a hospital as a Diet Clerk. I really enjoy my job, and I like the hospital environment. As morbid as it may sound, I feel so comfortable being in the hospital and around sick patients, doctors, and nurses.

So that's what I've been up to since my last post. Now to the actual reason why I'm posting. Most of you have read my previous posts and/or are familiar with my very long health history. Writing this blog was a therapeutic way to accept what was happened to me and learn to appreciate all the blessings that came from it. If anyone is reading my blog for the first time, a quick overview is: celiac disease diagnosis in 2011, gall bladder removed in 2011, trip to hell and back (a.k.a University of Iowa hospital) in 2012, hospitalized in 2012, diagnosed with IBS and gastroparesis in 2012, healthy in August of 2012, sick again in April of 2013, diagnosed with gastritis in 2013, and healthy again in September of 2013. That's a lot of time spent not feeling well, hanging out with doctors and nurses, tests and procedures, and a lot of health conditions to manage. A completely reasonable question to ask would be, how did you cope with all that?! All my strength and energy comes from God, and I put my trust and life in His hands all the time. God has blessed me with supportive family members and friends who have helped me survive. He has also given me the best medical team anyone could ask for. He has given my doctors and nurses wisdom and compassion to help me overcome and live with all that I have. Even though I do have four chronic digestive disorders, I feel well probably 80% of the time. So why am I posting on here again? What else could I possibly have? Well, it turns out my current health struggle isn't a physical struggle.

After spring break, I began to notice some unusual symptoms that I naturally matched up with what was going on in my life. Fatigue. College is exhausting, but I felt more fatigue than usual. I dismissed this as returning from the trip of a lifetime in England, taking organic chemistry, and heading towards the last month of freshman year. Joint pain and muscle aches. I was running up to four miles, but minor injuries over time caused me to not be able to run as far anymore. I had twisted my ankle running and didn't let the injury heal properly before running again. That caused minor knee problems. Once again, I didn't rest and got shin splints. Weight gain. With gastroparesis, I feel no hunger and I feel fullness quickly. Because of this, I don't really eat that much. Add in my very active lifestyle and you get a skinny girl. Nothing had changed with my diet or lifestyle but yet I was constantly gaining weight and my clothes weren't fitting the same. Constipation. I like to keep this blog as honest as possible so sorry if constipation isn't your favorite topic. Due to IBS and gastroparesis, I drink a good amount of Miralax every day, but I noticed that the amount of Miralax I drank was getting outrageously high, over 50 ounces a day. Mood swings and sadness. I easily dismissed this symptom as a result of the fatigue, not being able to run, and all the frustrations that come with college classes.  I was also experiencing a gastritis flare which made the fatigue even worse and my stomach hurt every time I ate. How did I handle all this while attending classes, keeping up with homework, and studying for finals? Once again....God.

When the semester ended and I was finally able to decompress at home, the symptoms seemed to get worse. Of course, who wouldn't be exhausted after their first year of college? Who wouldn't feel sad because they missed their friends from college? I kept telling myself that this was all normal, and there was nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, my mom was keeping track of the symptoms I had reported to her and was looking on the Mayo Clinic's website. All the symptoms in bold above matched perfectly with the symptoms for hypothyroidism--a condition where the thyroid gland doesn't produce enough hormones. I have been seeing an endocrinologist since the summer of 2011 when my first pediatric GI doctor did blood work to determine why I wasn't feeling better. My thyroid levels have been on the low side of normal but nothing to worry about. Hypothyroidism runs in my family and is common in people with autoimmune issues, such as celiac disease. I just so happened to have a check up with my endocrinologist coming up. I was starting to feel miserable. The fatigue and sadness were really bringing me down. I had lost interest in doing anything; I just wanted to lay in bed. The appointment finally arrived and I presented all my symptoms to my doctor, who ordered seven blood tests. My mom and I anxiously awaited these results. We had already self-diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and now we just waited for the blood work to confirm our diagnosis. The blood work came back the next day but was a major shocker. Everything was normal. No thyroid problems whatsoever. I immediately started to freak out because I figured there was another worse problem. WebMD came up with lupus, fibromyalgia, and the plague, just to name a few terrible diseases. My mom made an appointment for the next morning with one of the pediatricians who helped me when I was sick. My usual doctor, Dr. S., was on vacation but Dr. El., another great doctor in the same practice, could see me. I went to the appointment expecting a few hours of blood work, x-rays, and who knows what else. After all, lupus or fibromyalgia would probably be tricky to diagnosis. Dr. El. went over the blood work from the endocrinologist, asked a series of questions, and did a physical exam. When he said that he wasn't going to do any more blood work or tests, I didn't panic because he's so thorough that I knew I could trust him. Dr. El. then explained how the symptoms I had been having were also the same symptoms for low serotonin levels. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that helps with moods/happiness. The more Dr. El. talked, the more and more I realized what I had been struggling with some mid-March. I finally realized the emotions I had been struggling with weren't normal. It wasn't normal to cry for no reason in your room for two hours. It wasn't normal for something totally random to make you burst into tears. It wasn't normal to feel so much anxiety that you can't breathe when someone doesn't text you back right away. While sitting in exam room with my mom and Dr. El., I finally felt relief. I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I wasn't crazy. There was nothing physically wrong with me. Dr. El. explained that depression and anxiety is very common in people with a history of GI issues and "responsible students". Dr. El. prescribed an antidepressant that is commonly used to treat depression and anxiety. He warned me that I could endure 7-10 days of feeling worse before I could feel better, and it might take anywhere from 2-6 weeks to start seeing a difference in how I felt. I'll skip the fascinating science of the medicine and get right to the main point: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety on May 21, 2015. I am depressed.

The medicine is being a pain in the butt as it is making me feel worse. So far I've woken up with anxiety attacks twice, had anxiety attacks throughout the day multiple times, feel like crying more, lost my appetite, feel dark inside, and feel even more tired than before. These anxiety attacks are really starting to take their toll on me. Describing one of these moments is difficult to put into words. During an attack, I often feel very shaky, scared, and helpless. My stomach is instantly upset, and I feel like throwing up. It's hard to focus on anything, even though I try to force happy thoughts into my mind. Sometimes one of these attacks is brought on by a thought about the future, but most of the time it happens for no reason. It's always worse when I'm alone and don't have anyone to distract me or calm me down. Occasionally the feelings will fade as quickly as they were brought on, but other times some of the feelings stay with me for the rest of the day. Tomorrow marks one day on this tiny white pill that makes me miserable, and I can only pray that I will start to see some improvement soon.

I do not like the label of being "depressed". I prefer to call it chemically challenged because that is actually what is happening inside my brain. This depression and anxiety isn't my fault; it's basically a side effect of my digestive issues. I definitely do not like the social stigma that goes along with not just depression and anxiety but any other mental health issue. When you think about it, the only difference between depression and celiac disease (or any other disorder I have) is where in the body something isn't right and what it affects. Our society acts as if depression and anxiety are unspeakable when in reality it's common. I may not want to openly discuss this new health issue at the dinner table because it can be difficult to accept and understand let alone talk about it. However, I wanted to write this post for several reasons:
1) Therapeutic: as I said earlier, writing this blog really helped me recover mentally and emotionally from everything that happened to me with my health, and my hope is that writing this post will do the same.
2) Knowledge: I feel like I'm hiding a dark and dirty secret sometimes by not talking about this diagnosis. While I would prefer to not discuss it in depth in person, I do want to be 100% honest whenever I can be.
3) Awareness: depression and anxiety are more common than people think. Everyone has heard of it but knowing someone with it brings it closer to home.
4) Prayers: if you're reading this and feel inclined to do so, please pray for me. This is not going to be an easy battle to fight, and I definitely can't do it alone. I have seen nothing but support and love from my family and friends, and I am beyond grateful for that.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this,
Sarah 

Final Post: Acceptance

Epilogue

I officially "called it" on Labor Day of 2013. I had a lot of manage, but the key was that I could manage all the medicines and diets. I no longer struggled daily with that horrid gastritis pain. Once I felt 100% better, my last year of high school began to fly by. The math class at the community college presented its challenges, but it was a great way to prepare me for college academics. In October of 2013, my mom and I were the (very proud!) co-coordinators of Making Tracks for Celiacs: Des Moines--the first ever celiac disease awareness walk in Des Moines. After months of planning, the walk was a huge success! My mom and I were interviewed in the Des Moines Register and KCCI Channel 8 broadcast live from the walk and interviewed me. Over $4,000 was raised and 150 people participated. It was a dream come true! The year of 2013 ended and 2014 began. This was going to be a big year for me: I would graduate high school and go to college. I was very thankful when I finished high school for several reasons. First, I made it a whole year of high school without something medically bad happening.
 Freshman year: mono, c.diff, and celiac disease.
 Sophomore year: surgery, Iowa City, hospitalized, IBS, and gastroparesis
Junior year: gastritis
Understandably, I was quite intimidated by what could possibly happen during my senior year! Thankfully, nothing happened. I was proud of myself for finishing high school on time and with good grades.

Where Am I Now?

These days, I am feeling great! I will occasionally have a day where I do everything I'm supposed to, but I just don't feel good. That comes with having four chronic digestive disorders. However, I would say that I feel well 95% of the time! My diet is still restricted but much less than what it used to be. I currently avoid gluten, dairy, meat, bananas, coconut, tomatoes, and onions. As for medicines, I still take amitriptyline and prescription prevacid. I have completely weaned myself off of cholestryamine because it was making my stomach hurt after I took it. Not living with all the nasty side effects has greatly improved my quality of life! I also take a vitamin, probiotic, Miralax, and peppermint oil capsules.
 I can run anywhere between three to four miles three times a week, and I still enjoy it just as much as I did when I started. To date, I have participated in seven 5k races.
 This summer, I am working (still at the daycare!) and running a lot. I recently returned from a trip to Texas to visit my cousin and her incredible family. My cousin has her own health issues and has been a constant source of friendship at support! I will turn 19 next Sunday, and shortly after that I will embark on my latest adventure: college. I will be attending Iowa State University for dietetics. I plan on becoming a pediatric clinical dietitian after I graduate. Just the thought of having the opportunity to help kids who are sick and in hospitals fills me with joy. Going to college is a big step for me, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. In addition to managing everything that is college, I will be bringing along my restricted diet, medicines, and health problems. I believe that God will give me the strength to manage all of this, just like He has given me strength to manage chronic illness at a young age.

Final Glances

Before I publish this last post, there are a few more things I want to say. My health journey was unexpected, chronic, complicated, and rough. At the same time, there are so many blessings that have come from it.
My faith: this is something that has definitely increased since I got sick. I have a small notebook filled with encouraging verses from the Bible that I read every day when I was sick. It was amazing to experience the amount of peace and comfort I got from these verses. Multiple times one of these verses would "randomly" pop into my head in a time that I needed to hear something encouraging, comforting, or reassuring. I have now personally seen how God works "all things for the good of those who love Him" and that He does have a plan for us. God has placed incredible people in my life, and it's amazing to think about how His plan has played out through all sorts of people. All of the blessings/lessons I've learned listed below would never have occurred if I hadn't gotten sick. Yes, living with all that I have and experiencing everything that I've been through was not pleasant. Do I wish it would have never happened? No. If I could go back in time and magically prevent all of this from happening, I wouldn't! As I mentioned above, I want to be a dietitian. I would never in a million years have decided on that career choice if I hadn't been sick enough to require a dietitian's help. I would have probably ended up as a speech language pathologist or a personal trainer, but I am SO excited for my future as a dietitian! I love how I can finally see a little bit of God's great plan for me.
My family: I have formed very close relationships with my family, especially my mom and grandparents, during my health journey. My mom was (and still is) my constant source of support. If I don't feel good or something isn't going right, she is the first person I turn to. She can always cheer
me up and make me feel better. I'm so thankful for the memories, both good and bad, that we've gone made and the experiences that we've gone through together. I know that I wouldn't have made it out of my health crisis without her! My grandparents have also been so supportive. It started with them baking me gluten-free treats and making family gatherings "Sarah Safe". Since then, my grandpa and I text each other every night and we all enjoy being together. Both of my grandparents are inspirations to me; they've been through so much but yet they are the kindest people I know. I've also deeply bonded with my precious cat, Oliver. He's always been my baby, but when I got sick he became even closer to me. He always comforted me when I was upset by purring, rubbing his face against my hand, and rolling around on the floor to make me laugh. He even kneads his paws on my stomach when I don't feel good! I have also developed close relationships with two of my cousins, Lisa and Leda. We don't live close, but we are certainly close at heart! All three of my dad's siblings have also showed so much care and concern through my health journey. I never felt like I was going through this alone; I could always feel the support and prayers that were coming from my spread-across-the-country family!

My friends: When my health reached the point where I was always canceling plans with friends because I didn't feel good, only two of my friends stuck by my side. Elizabeth and T. Both of them always asked how I was feeling and were very sensitive to my health. They didn't seem to mind if I canceled existing plans because a doctor appointment or test came up. I've been friends with Elizabeth since I was in kindergarten, and T. and I have been friends since first or second grade. Both of them have secured a place in my wedding :P The family that I babysat for have also proved to me huge blessings. Those kiddos were the perfect distraction for me when I needed one. Erika, their amazing mother, always filled me with hope and encouragement when I was sick.
My doctors and medical team: I talk a lot in my blog about my doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals I've interacted with. I think if I would have been younger or older, the medical staff I had wouldn't have mattered as much. However, I was at such a vulnerable age: 15-18 years old. I spent more time in waiting rooms and with the doctor than I did at friends' houses. Therefore, my nurses and doctors became my friends. I now consider them family. Each doctor has made a difference in my life and for that I will be forever thankful. Of course, there's always that doctor. Even though Dr. Satan did absolutely nothing to improve my quality of life, he did teach me things. He taught me to appreciate the good doctors. He taught me to advocate for myself, even if the "doctor" didn't believe a word I said. He taught me how to stand tall and strong in the midst of a raging storm. This doesn't mean that I speak well of him because I had to learn all of these things thanks to him. When I look back at my time with him, it doesn't go well for me. I know he has affected other patients in a similar way. There are days when I want to report him to the Iowa Board of Medicine or blackmail him, but then I remind myself of two things my mom told me: "God will take care of people like him" and "The best revenge is you feeling better because of doctors in Des Moines."
 My mom and I regularly get together with Nurse T. for lunch or walks. She is such a good friend and an inspiration. My friendship with Nurse T. is the perfect example of one of the greatest blessings that has come from my health journey.

Facts and Figures:  My mom finds these figured depressing, but I find them interesting and somewhat amusing. From 2010-2013, I visited the hospital 105 times. I had five ultrasounds, seven x-rays, three endoscopies, two colonoscopies, one surgery, and nine nuclear medicine tests. I saw 15 doctors from 11 different specialties.
Thank YOU: When I started this blog, I didn't know if it would be successful. I figured the only people who would read it would be my family and friends. As of today, however, over 3,800 people in 12 different countries have read this blog! Thank you for showing interest in my blog. As I'm about to mention, writing this blog has been crucial for me to move forward from my health journey.
Things I've Learned: I have learned that nothing tastes as good as feeling good, sometimes all you need to do is read a Harry Potter book, it's okay to cry, peppermint does wonders on a troubled tummy, never tell a sick person how terrible they look, understanding the family tree of the British Monarchy is a great distraction, cats provide great comfort, some GI doctors look up so many buttholes that they become one, not every doctor will be as great as mine so I thank God for my doctors, coffee is a laxative, gluten can be hidden in anything and everything, people will say stupid stuff because they are ignorant, a walk around the lake can mentally transform a person, and everyone has a story, baggage, and pains that they will always carry with them.

When a traumatic event happens, there are five stages of mourning: shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. As I look back on my health journey, I can clearly see the times when I went through these stages. I can also see when I went through these stages after I felt better. The psychological recovery after the physical recovery of chronic illness is just as important. It took me a while to learn how to function without feeling sick. After I discovered this, I had a hard time accepting and moving on from my recently won battle. When I started this blog, I just wanted to share my story and maybe help some people. I had no idea that writing my health story would be such a cleansing process. I had to dig down deep and re-live the past few years. This was not easy to do, but after I published each post, I had this wonderful feeling of peace. Yes, bad things have happened to me but it's okay. I survived, I am alive, and I am thriving. I am living the life that I dreamed about when I was sick; I can run, work, and do what I want to do. I'm even going to college soon! I will never be able to forget everything that has happened to me, but I've come to the point where I don't dwell on what has happened. I'm a total sentimentalist so my health journey will always be in my heart. I am not the same person that I was before I got sick, and I would like to think that my health journey has made me a better person. I'm so thankful that I started this blog as it has given me the final stage of the grieving process: acceptance.

After
August 2014

"I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith." -2nd Timothy 4:7



Before
August 2010



 

 

 

THE END!!!!!!!!!

 

P.S. If you would take a few minutes to give me some feedback, that would be fantastic! Please leave a comment below with how you discovered my blog, what made you read it, and your thoughts, comments, or questions. Thank you!! :)

April & May 2013: Winter Has Come Back Again

April 2013:

We left off with me having stomach pain and extreme fullness just a few bites in to breakfast on April 12, 2013. This continued for the rest of the day. Thankfully, I was able to escape the pain while having a fun time with my friend Elizabeth. The pain was back the next day and stayed for the rest of the weekend. I had increased my Miralax, in case I was constipated, but that didn't seem to be the problem. I was starting to get worried. My biggest fear was that the gastroparesis was getting worse; what if I ended up having to have feeding tubes like Beth? My mom called Nurse T. to get her opinion. We had stopped the weekly weight checks at the end of 2012, and while it was great to not go to the hospital every week, I did miss talking with Nurse T. Nurse T. suggested that we come in to see Dr. S., my pediatrician, so we made an appointment for the following Tuesday. At that appointment, Dr. S. said, "I see people all the time who have stomach aches, but I always flinch more when it's you." Dr. S. said that it could be a virus, but he seemed just as worried as we were. Dr. S. decided to order an abdominal x-ray because of my history with stomach/bowel problems. Besides, the pain and fullness, I felt fine. I didn't feel lethargic or achy. After waiting for what seemed like an eternity, the x-ray results came back. I had, once again, colonic constipation. I just about cried. I did not want to go through another clean out process again, but it was the only option. In addition to this, I was also very close to finishing my junior year of high school. That means I was preparing to take the ACT test in a few weeks, and I was very nervous. I didn't have time to get cleaned out! I was somewhat relieved that it was "just" colonic constipation, and not worsening of my gastroparesis or the dreaded "something else". I started the all too familiar clean out process by drinking another magnesium citrate. I did have improvement after the clean out, but the fullness returned a few days later. As my luck would have it, Dr. S. was on vacation so Nurse T. suggested that I see a different doctor within their practice, Dr. El. If you remember from "The Devil Wears a Lab Coat", I saw Dr. El. briefly when the medicine Dr. Satan put me on caused my chest to feel tight. Dr. El. is a very sweet doctor who calls his patients "sweetheart", "beautiful", and "princess". I was a little nervous to see a new doctor, since Dr. S. knows me and my history so well, but a few minutes with Dr. El. assured me that I had nothing to be nervous about. Dr. El. wasn't so sure that I was completely cleaned out, even with the magnesium citrate. He wanted me to do an enema one a day for three days and drink mineral oil three times a day for 3-5 days. I think we're all familiar with enemas so I won't disgust you by providing details about that. Mineral oil, however, is something not everybody is familiar with:
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Mineral Oil:  a distillation product of petroleum, especially one used as a lubricant, moisturizer, or laxative.
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Drinking mineral oil is like drinking Elmer's glue, the runny type. It's slimy and covers your entire mouth in this slime. It was absolutely disgusting! I was spending a lot of time in the bathroom, but still not feeling like my normal self. I was still full early into meals, and my stomach felt like it had been beaten with a baseball bat after I ate. I was starting to doubt that this was just constipation.

May 2013

With school and the ACT test behind me, I tried to start enjoying my summer. I was working more hours at the daycare and coming up on my one year anniversary there. Wedding plans were also picking up speed as we approached the July date of my brother's wedding. Showers, dress shopping, craft days, and mint making days took up most weekends. I still continued to run and make great progress on the Couch 2 5k plan. I also still battling these mysterious new stomach issues. I felt so full that eating was once again very difficult. I had stopped eating all bread products because they felt too heavy in my stomach. Nothing seemed to help my stomach; I tried Altoids and peppermint tea but that didn't help. The only thing that made a tiny difference was sucking on peppermint hard candies; I usually averaged about five a day. I saw Dr. El. again on May 1 since I had absolutely no improvements. Dr. El. wanted me to have another x-ray of my abdomen, but his in office x-ray tech wasn't there that day. I made the familiar walk over the hospital and into outpatient admitting. I usually have great experiences with x-ray techs, but this time wasn't so great. I had two women, one of which was a student, who argued the entire time. They disagreed on where the top of my leg was, where to put the x-ray, and how many pictures to take. I was relieved to finally get away from them. Dr. El. told us that once the results were back, he was going to ask both Dr. S. and Dr. Di (my pediatric GI) to look at the results with him. Dr. El. was also starting to wonder if constipation wasn't the problem, and he thought it was time to bring Dr. Di in. Although I would rather not be in this situation, I was comforted by the fact that all my doctors would be working together for me.
 The next day, I was finishing taking a shower when I heard my mom run down the stairs and knock repeatedly on the bathroom door. Something was wrong. I could hear panic in my mom's voice as she said, "Sarah....the receptionist from Dr. Di's office called, and he wants to see you tomorrow morning." We hadn't heard anything from anybody about the x-ray results. Was it so bad that my GI doctor wanted to see me? It's difficult to get an immediate appointment with Dr. Di so why would they need to squeeze me in as soon as possible? My mom called Nurse T. to get her opinion. Nurse T. said that the x-ray showed that my colon looked much better, but she thought we should take the appointment. I was scheduled to work a full day at the daycare, but my boss said I could leave for the appointment and then come back. I was so nervous; I had no idea what to expect.
 The unexpected appointment fell on my second anniversary of being gluten-free. I tried to not think about how depressing it was that I was still having stomach issues even after two years of being on the gluten-free diet. My mom picked me up from work and we drove though a snowstorm (yes, a snowstorm in May) to Dr. Di's office. When he asked me what was going on, I did my best to make it clear that I felt full but not a constipation-like full. Dr. Di said that he wasn't 100% sure that constipation was the problem, but he wanted me to do one more clean out just in case. When Dr. Di asked if I was able to get a magnesium citrate down, my mom informed him that I had drank five bottles of magnesium citrate since this problem started less than a month ago.
"You drank five bottles of magnesium citrate?!?!" He exclaimed.

Surprise from my mom!

My mom further revealed that I did three enemas (to which Dr. Di rolled his eyes and stuck out his tongue) and 15 ounces of mineral oil for five days ("oh ew...I don't even know why they use mineral oil anymore!"). Thankfully, Dr. Di had a much less aggressive clean out plan: a mega dose of Miralax twice a day for five days. If I still didn't have any improvement, I would swallow radioactive pills and have x-rays taken to see where the pills were and if there was a slow down anywhere. Dr. Di had been in communication (by texting!) with Dr. El., and they both thought that I could have gastritis--inflammation of the stomach. After confirming the plan, Dr. Di left with his usual, "hang in there", and my mom drove me back to work. I went into the appointment feeling very nervous, but I felt confident about the next plan. All I need is a plan.
 Since it was my second anniversary of being gluten-free, my mom surprised me at work with green (the celiac disease awareness color) flowers and balloons!

I was going to the bathroom more, but I still felt the same. I finally knew that constipation was not the problem. Dr. Di prescribed omeprazole to treat possible gastritis. When I picked up the medicine at the pharmacy, I asked the pharmacist how long it would take to kick in.
"It depends." The pharmacist said. "What do they think is wrong with you this time?"
That is a sign that you have been too sick for too long!
 On Friday, May 10, I started the Sitz marker test:
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Sitz marker test: Radioactive pills are swallowed and two x-rays are taken three days apart. The x-rays show how the rate that the pills are moving and checks for obstructions.
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Call me a nerd, but I think this is incredibly cool! Nurse J. in Dr. Di's office gave me the pills to swallow, and my mom and I went over to the hospital for yet another x-ray. We would come back for the next x-ray on Monday.
 Meanwhile, I completed a big accomplishment: I ran all the way around the 2.2 mile lake! I was so proud of myself and the progress I had made. Although my stomach was fighting me again, I fought back by doing what I wanted to do. The Sitz marker test results came back on May 14, showing that I had slow transit constipation on the right side of my colon where the small intestine hooks on to the large intestine..

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Slow transit constipation (STC): This syndrome is attributed to disordered colonic motor function.
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This sounds like another scary diagnosis to add to my list (and maybe for some people it is), but it really isn't. Dr. Di wanted me to take two senna (a laxative) tablets for two weeks. My mom asked when the omeprazole would start working, and Nurse J. said to give it two weeks. Meanwhile, I continued working and running while fighting the stomach pain and fullness. Towards the end of May, my symptoms began to get worse. My stomach started to hurt constantly, not just after eating. I kept track, and I felt full three bites into a meal. I was already eating half size portions because of my gastroparesis, but now I could only manage 1/4 of a meal. I jokingly said that it was time to take another beating whenever it was time to eat, but that's truly how my stomach felt after I ate. I was also tired and usually took a nap in the afternoon.

A climbing wall champ

 I tried to enjoy myself at our annual Memorial Day camping trip. I climbed to the top of the climbing tower though! The weather was nasty and prevented us from being outside as much as we usually were. Plus, I was so uncomfortable. Now I woke up feeling full and in pain...before I even ate anything! My mom was going to call Nurse J. as soon as the long weekend was over. Something was definitely very wrong. I tried to not get down in the dumps about how I was feeling. I was still shocked that all this had happened again. How did I go from delivery cookies because I felt so great to x-rays and numerous doctor appointments?
 My mom called Nurse J. after Memorial Day and told him about my symptoms. The omeprazole didn't help and taking the senna tablet didn't help. What else could we try? I probably should have seen what happened next coming, but it still took me by surprise. I was outside walking my cat (yes, I put a leash and collar on my cat and walk him around the backyard) when my mom came outside and over to where Oliver and I were. I could tell by the look on her face that she wasn't happy.
"Dr. Di wants to do another endoscopy and colonoscopy on June 6."

TO BE CONTINUED.......

August 2012: The Fight is Done; The War is Won

August 2012

Finally...the post I've been waiting to write since I started blogging! I was so excited for "Celebration Weekend" with my family. Leading up to the big weekend, my grandparents sent me a nice card and a generous check to celebrate with me. They wanted me to buy a cross necklace, and I found a beautiful necklace along with a ring with footprints on the front and the lines "it was then that You carried me" etched on the inside. Since my grandpa introduced me to that poem, I thought it was only fitting that I used his money to buy it.



boating

At church

 Celebration Weekend started on Saturday, August 4. My family and I went to the downtown Farmer's Market and enjoyed ourselves immensely...until the heavens opened and we were heavily rained on! After the Farmer's Market, we went out for lunch at Biaggi's, an Italian restaurant that has delicious gluten-free food. I made sure I ate exactly half of the pasta so I didn't feel too full. After lunch, we hit TCBY for frozen yogurt/sorbet before seeing The Dark Knight Rises in the IMAX theater. After dinner at home, we went bowling. I'm a terrible bowler, but I had fun laughing at myself anyways. It was especially fun when glow-in-the-dark bowling started! I went to bed that night feeling great and very thankful. The next day, Sunday, my parents placed flowers on our church's altar to thank God for the return of my health. I also played a piece on the piano for offering and my pastor read a prayer of thanksgiving that I had written. Several church members greeted me after the service with hugs and kind words. After church, we had updated family portraits taken before going to Big Creek for a pontoon ride. If you've never rented a pontoon before, I would highly recommend it! It's so peaceful and relaxing. The weather was absolutely perfect, and my family and I enjoyed laying out in the sun while lazily floating on the water. Our evening plans included grilling and mini-golfing. After we ate, my mom gave me a Willow Tree figure that she had been saving until I felt better. The figure is called "J'taime", which is French for "I love you". Mini-golfing was really fun! I am surprisingly much better at mini-golf than I am at bowling. It was the perfect weekend; there were several moments where I was shocked at how well I felt. I couldn't believe that I had finally made it to this point.

Willow Tree

The fun continued a few days later with the Tenth Avenue North and Toby Mac concert at the Iowa State Fair. The concert was August 9, and my birthday is August 10 so my parents included my ticket to the concert as a birthday present! It was an awesome concert! It was so great to listen to the songs by both artists that uplifted me and kept me going when I was so sick. The next day was my 17th birthday! I had a fun morning babysitting Lucy and Collin before my mom and I went to a bridal shower for a girl at our church. After the shower, my mom and I got manicures! We had so much fun. My birthday ended with homemade pizza at home, presents, and watching the 2012 summer Olympics in London. I was thoroughly spoiled with presents, but the best present of all couldn't be wrapped in a box: feeling well. I jokingly put a bow on my stomach and took a picture of me with the best present ever....a stomach that feels well! It was still amazing to me how well I felt. All I had known for 22 months was not feeling well. I was practically bouncing off the walls because I had so much energy! Since my stomach had so many problems for so long, it almost felt weird and strange to not feel chronically sick to my stomach. I felt like a completely new human being!

Best birthday present ever!

 I wanted to get back in shape. Walking on my NordicTrack after eating helped me feel less out of the breath, but I still had difficulty carrying my own laundry basket from my room down three flights of stairs. A friend recommended going to see a physical therapist who might have some ideas on how to get back in shape. I met with a doctor who suggested I see the therapist in her office twice a week. The first appointment was scheduled for the next week.


Finally!

 August 15, 2012 was the day that kept me going through my health journey. I think I mentioned this a few times in previous posts, but it's time to elaborate a little bit. Around the time of my surgery (September 2011), I came up with the idea to get a Build-A-Bear after I felt better, dress it in scrubs, and name it after the doctor who got me feeling better. Of course, I should have known it wasn't going to be that easy. For 11 months I dreamed about the day when I would make that Build-A-Bear. I felt sad every time I walked past Build-A-Bear Workshop in the mall, and I was jealous of the people (mostly kids) walking around the mall with the iconic Build-A-Bear box. I had even been saving some of the money my grandparents sent me after my surgery for this bear.This was another "wellness bucket list" day that I was too scared to plan in case "something else" happened but after a whole weekend of celebrating my return to health, I figured it was time. I wanted to drive out to the mall--since driving was something I wasn't able to do when I was sick. Those of you who have been to Build-A-Bear know the routine. I picked out the carcass (what else would you call it?!) of a dark haired bear that was created on August 21, 19-something. I thought that was a funny coincidence since August 21 was the day when I got sick with mono. I stuffed the bear, put his heart in, and gave him an air bath before naming him. It took me a while to come up with the perfect name, but in the end I combined the first and/or last names of Dr. S. (my pediatrician), Dr. D.S. (my first GI), Dr. Di (my second and current GI), and Dr. R. (my surgeon). I added M.D., D.O. on the end of the name to make it sound more official. My mom came up with the cute idea to add black dress shoes with the scrubs in honor of Dr. R.'s sense of fashion. The store carried the black shoes, but I had to order the scrubs online. After it was all said and done, I cried tears of happiness in the hallway of the mall. I couldn't believe that I had my bear! It all seemed like a wonderful dream; my mom said that I had woken up from a nightmare.

There he is!

 A few days later, I started on the next item on my wellness bucket list. I had a follow-up appointment with Dr. Di the next week. When this appointment was made, I had just been hospitalized. I was amazed at how far I had come in four months. I made it a goal to take cookies and handmade thank you notes to the doctors and their staff who got me feeling better. It just so happened that I needed a TB test and a physical for my job at the daycare. Nurse T. squeezed me in Dr. S.'s busy schedule the day before my appointment with Dr. Di. This would be the perfect opportunity to give Dr. S. his thank you note. I set to work on crafting beautiful cards for my doctors. I also wanted to make cards for Nurse. T. and Dr. R. As a little reminder of me, I wanted to insert of picture of me with a sign saying "Thanks Dr. _____" in the thank you note. On a beautiful Sunday afternoon, my mom and I went to the lake (the same lake that we had walked around countless times when I was sick) to take pictures.
 August 21, 2012 was a special day. Not only was it my sister's birthday, but it was also the second anniversary of me getting sick. Last year, I was crushed on this day because I had been sick for one year. This year, however, I was thankful and excited about how great I felt. I may have been sick for 22 months, but I would take 22 months over 24 months.


End result

Very messy table!

 The next day was the big cookie bake for my doctors! In three hours, my mom and I baked chocolate chip cookies, peanut butter cookies, chocolate cherry cookies, rice krispies, and three giant chocolate chip cookies for my doctors. The house smelled amazing! I had been looking forward to the day for a long time and it lived up to every expectation! After baking cookies, we went to my first appointment with the physical therapist. It turns out the therapist specialized in visceral massage therapy, especially targeting the stomach and colon. The therapist was hopeful that some massage therapy would naturally help my stomach and colon move more. I was unsure of the whole concept at first, but the massage actually felt really good!

Cookie delivery day!

 Thursday, August 23, was labeled Cookie Delivery Day. My mom and I packed up Dr. S.'s thank you note and big cookie, Nurse T.'s card, and the tray of cookies for the staff. I also made a tray of cookies for the third floor (where I was hospitalized) and a special cookie for Dr. R. I drove the very familiar path to Dr. S.'s office. The receptionist recognized us, as always, and we briefly waited in the waiting room. I've never had that much fun in a doctor's office before! Nurse T. was thrilled with all the cookies and she had S., my favorite lab tech, come over and say hi. While we were waiting for Dr. S. to come in, I marveled at the fact that we were in the same room that we usually are when I visit my pediatrician but this time was different. When I was in this room for the past 22 months, I was beyond sick. I was exhausted, nauseous, pale, in pain, and I just wanted to feel better. This time, I was bouncing with energy, my stomach felt great, I had a healthy glow, I wasn't in any pain, and I felt a million times better! Dr. S. was so excited and happy that I was feeling better. He was also very touched by my giant cookie and card. He kept repeating, "you are too kind!" I wasn't expecting him to read my heartfelt thank you note in front of me so I was surprised when he looked up at me with tears in his eyes and gave me a huge hug. My mom took pictures of me with Nurse T. and Dr. S. before we left. Cookie Delivery Day wasn't over yet though; next we walked across the street to Dr. R.'s office. There was some extreme deja vu going on as I walked through the waiting room to the front desk. I flashed back to September 2011 as I sat, freezing cold and in so much pain, waiting to see the surgeon. I was amazed at how much progress, and how much I had been through, since the last time I was in this waiting room. I dropped the thank you note and cookie off with the receptionist and left the eerily familiar waiting room. I was impressed at how well my mom and I knew our way around the hospital as we made our way to the pediatric floor. I had another deja vu moment when the elevator doors opened to reveal the colorful and welcoming entrance of the pediatric floor. It was almost hard to believe that I was hospitalized on this floor just five months ago. As my mom and I drove home, I was filled with so many emotions. Usually on our trips home from the hospital, both of us were upset and my mom was on the phone with either my dad or grandpa. This time, we had actually made wonderful memories at the hospital!
 Day Two of Cookie Delivery Day came the next morning, August 23, when I had my follow up with my GI doctor, Dr. Di. Once again, I drove the familiar path to the hospital. While waiting in the waiting room, I thought of everything that had happened in the year (almost to the exact date) since I had first seen Dr. Di. I had been referred to him last August after my first GI doctor ran out of ideas. I had a second endoscopy and my first colonoscopy. I had my gall bladder removed. I went to hell and back-also known as the University of Iowa hospital. I had colonic constipation. I was hospitalized. I was diagnosed with IBS and gastroparesis. Now I was healthy! Nurse J., the nurse in the office, was happy to see me and hear that I was feeling better. He was also overjoyed with the cookies.
He said, "I've talked to your mom so much that it's kind of like we're family." I couldn't agree more! Shortly after Nurse J. left with the cookies, Dr. Di came in. He told me that I looked great, especially since I was always very pale whenever I came in. As for my medicine, he wanted to keep everything the same. He was very grateful for the tray of cookies and joked that I could come back every week with cookies. I would gladly do that! He was also grateful for his special cookie and card; he said that a lot of their patients and parents complain that he isn't doing enough. Both my mom and I repeatedly thanked him for everything he has done, but he humbly told us that we did all the work. After the appointment we made a follow up with the receptionist, who can always recognize me and knows my
 name, Nurse J. was looking over her shoulder and telling her to make the appointment when he was in the office.
"Sarah....you are beautiful. I know I'm not supposed to tell a lady to gain weight, but you should." Nurse J. complimented me. We all said goodbye and another round of thank you's before leaving.

My best friends :)

 I had the greatest feeling ever after two successful cookie delivery days. I felt like I was on top of the world. It still didn't seem possible that I had finally made it. I was 100% healthy and checking things off my wellness bucket list. Another item on my bucket list was to have a sleepover with my two dear friends. We had been planning a sleepover for over a year, but I was never healthy enough for it. I decided this sleepover would be my birthday party for the year, and we had a blast! We walked at the lake, and stayed up late watching movies and gossiping. The next day, we went to TCBY for frozen yogurt/sorbet and did some shopping. Both of my friends were so loyal while I was sick, and it was great to celebrate with them.
 August 30, 2012 marked my first day of my junior year of high school AND the start of my first year of high school that I was healthy for!

You might be expecting a big finish for the end of the my healthy journey. Of course, now that I'm healthy and done all these fun things to celebrate, why wouldn't it be the end? Alas....

TO BE CONTINUED.....