The End is Just a New Beginning

May 2016

Beginning, just let that word wash over you

It's all right now; love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one, leave the darkness and feel the sun

Because your story is far from over, and your journey has just begun

Well, friends, I am halfway done with my college education. Yes, I am terrified and excited about that. I am pursuing a degree in Dietetics and Child, Adult, and Family Services. I was officially accepted into my program as well as my college's honor society. I finished the year without failing any of my classes and made some new friends this semester. When I finished my freshman year, I didn't want to leave campus and my friends. My thoughts about my sophomore year ending couldn't be any more opposite. I was dying to leave. I enjoyed packing because it went I was getting closer to leaving. Once I was finally freed after my last final and could go home, I unpacked everything in under 48 hours. See, the ending of this school year means a new beginning for me. A new beginning to start fresh, rest, renew my passion for working in a hospital, and get a break from the stresses and anxieties of school. Sophomore year was pretty bad; there was definitely good moments, memories, and things I learned, but overall it was pretty crappy. I learned a lot though and more than just nutrition and microbes. Below are a list of things I've learned and how learning those things has made me feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago:

1. Take Care of Yourself....and walk away from toxic people

Everybody knows how important it is to take care of yourself in college, especially if you're managing chronic illness. There's another type of self-care though. It's called self-respect. Throughout my sophomore year, I can think of multiple "friends" who ended up not being so friendly after all. I was heartbroken each and every time one of these people crossed the line, went too far, or said something deeply hurtful. I found myself wanting to do everything in my power to keep their friendship. Then I realized, why am I using my limited amount of time and energy to try and convince someone to keep being friends with me? After realizing this, I began to see these conflicts as not my fault-but theirs. One of my good friends pointed this out to me also. I told her about all the drama with each friend, and she said: "Sarah, you realize none of that is your fault right?" I don't know why I was blaming myself and taking responsibility for their lack of maturity or understanding. After this I really started to examine the "friendships" I had with people, and it turns out some of them were pretty toxic. I started to have more respect and love for myself and walk away from the "friends" who were actually "people I know."

2. Emotional Attachments are Dangerous

This lesson goes along with number one. I realized towards the end of the year that the girl who was my first friend at college and who I loved dearly wasn't actually that good of a friend to me. She had made me feel bad for choices I've made, disrespected my faith and political views, and was far from understanding during a crisis moment in life. I still wanted to view her as the nice girl I met freshman year, but she isn't that same person! It took a friend to finally say: "Sarah...do you have to be friends with this person??" to see that just because someone is your BFF freshman year, doesn't mean they're always going to stay like that. That's when I discovered that I make emotional attachments with people. This has put me in a bad position and unhealthy relationship several times before.  

3. Take Time to Love Yourself

Let's be honest: I manage celiac disease, IBS, gastritis, gastroparesis, hypoglycemia, slow transit constipation, myofascial pain syndrome, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Yes, 10 chronic illnesses. That's a lot not only for me to manage but for others to manage. Sometimes I catch myself thinking something along the lines of, maybe so-and-so said that hurtful thing because she couldn't handle me being sick. If this is true, I can only hope not, but I definitely struggle with self-esteem and wondering if people like me or if I tell them I have 10 chronic illnesses, they'll run the other direction. This kind of stuff will destroy you. Towards the end of the semester, I decided to set aside time for myself. I treated myself to nice coffee (decaf, because caffeine, anxiety, and hypoglycemia do not mix well at all) drink, did something I enjoyed, wrote down a list of what I like about myself, or went on a quiet walk all by myself. I think I'm slowly getting to a place where I am more accepting and loving of myself. Instead of thinking, what is this person going to think when I talk about my health, I think, maybe I'll be able to touch or help someone else by sharing my health. My health doesn't define my life, but it is part of it. If someone can't handle that, they can leave.

4. Be Yourself

I used to hide the fact that I'm gluten-free. I used to avoid talking about my anxiety. I used to purposely not say anything about my emotional support animal who lives in the dorms with me. That was exhausting! One time I "accidentally" mentioned something about my cat--and guess what? The world didn't explode! The girl I was talking to was actually really interested in my cat and thought it was SO COOL that I could have my cat with me. After that, I realized it was okay to be myself and not try to hide what is a big part of my life. Being more authentic and honest has helped me accept myself and has also helped open doors to great discussions with others!

5. Boys Complicate Things-stick to brothers

Having a boyfriend or "talking" to a guy is great and exciting, but it is also stressful, time-consuming, and complicated. I've experienced this a couple times (and it ended in a flaming train wreck), and I've witnessed friends experience it (and seen it end in a flaming train wreck). You know what's really great though? Having guys that are more like brothers to you. Call me crazy, but this is actually great. My brother lives two hours away so I don't get to see him much. Thankfully I've been able to meet some XY species at college who I think of as brothers. There is absolutely zero attraction there so I don't have to worry about that; instead I think of them as my brothers. They are all followers of Christ as well, and I can ask for prayers or advice from them. Nobody gets lead on, hurt, or upset. Everybody is just friends-brothers and sisters in Christ.

So there you have it! Summer is a new beginning. By the grace of God, I survived sophomore year and am on to bigger and better things.

It's Not Over Yet,

Sarah

It Has Changed Me

January 2016

"He hasn't ruined you. You're living proof of that." 

"No, but he has changed me."

{Downton Abbey, season 6}

One of my New Years Resolutions was to "accept my flaws and weirdness". Yes, that's exactly what I wrote on my mom's cute chalkboard sign. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the interesting little quirks that I have and more importantly, why I have them. Doing this has lead me to realize that all the unique things that make me who I am have come from events in my past. Let's take a peak into the mind of Sarah, a college sophomore with celiac disease, IBS, gastroparesis, gastritis, hypoglycemia, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and myofascial pain syndrome (new diagnosis...woot!).

-My Physical Health Journey-
*I have an extreme intolerance to people who go gluten free to lose weight and "be healthy."
*I am a million times more compassionate towards people with illness and/or disabilities.
*I have found my true calling in life: to feed premature babies and help kids with digestive disorders.
*I am comforted by the smell of the soap in doctors offices because it reminds me of the pediatrician and pediatric GI doctor.
*I love hospitals. I could spend hours exploring hospitals and learning how they work.
*Being somewhere without food or medicine gives me a lot of anxiety.
*Any new symptom is immediately looked up online and turned into a new diagnosis.
*The Harry Potter series is so special to me because it gives me an escape.
*The hospital in Iowa City gives me immediate panic attacks; even talking about it makes me nervous.
*My heroes all have either M.D. or D.O. behind their names.
*I have a teddy bear named after my doctors, and it's one of my most prized possessions.
*Learning about the human body makes me happy.
*I cry through every children's hospital lip dub video on YouTube.
*I have no problem discussing bowel functions with anyone.
*Even though I've been managing chronic illness for five and a half years, I still get tired of it and miss the person I used to be.

-My Mental Health Journey-
*Roger, my emotional support animal, is my best friend. Mess with him, and I will end you. If you don't like him...I probably don't like you,
*Sometimes I want to cry, but I don't know why.
*Sometimes I feel very nervous for no reason.
*For KING & COUNTRY is so special to me because the lyrics to their songs describe my life perfectly, give me hope, and bring me joy when not much else can [It's Not Over Yet, Busted Heart, Sane, Priceless, Shoulders, Crave, and To The Dreamers].
*I have to protect myself and do what's best for me, even if it means cutting toxic people out of my life.
*I worry about having a panic attack in every situation.
*I really really really really really like hugs....like a lot.
*Even if you can't fix it, I still need love and support from you.
*Reading about the digestive tract calms me down because it's familiar.
*Sometimes I want to go out and be social, but then my social anxiety kicks in.
*My ideal Friday night includes watching a movie with my cat and coloring because I know I won't have a panic attack.
*While I don't have an official diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I do struggle with aspects of PTSD. I have a lot of triggers that take me back to dark places in my past. When this happens, it's hard for me to remember that I'm in the present. I've tried multiple tricks but can never seem to knock this one out. What I need most is support and sympathy during those moments. Sometimes I just need to text my mom and tell her that I'm having flashbacks and then she has some great motherly advice that makes me feel better. Sometimes I just need a hug.
*I struggle with what I'm worth. Living with nine chronic illnesses is definitely very time consuming and as you've read, a big part in who I am today. It's easy for me to think that no man in his right mind would ever want to date, and eventually marry, me. Sometimes I feel very flawed and unaccepted. A lot of this stems from anxiety, as it can twist your brain into believe things that aren't true. I've had encounters with the male species in the past that have not ended well. Both of these losers ended up making me feel like I was nothing more than a person who they could disrespect and dishonor. These two have learned the hard way that I am no such person. However, I went through a bad phase where I didn't consider myself to be anyone special. I figured I was unlovable and just attracted all the losers and cowards and creeps in the world. Then (get ready to go full circle) my mom surprised me with tickets to a concert for my birthday in August. We got to see For KING & COUNTRY at our state fair. I had heard their music (and accents!), and really enjoyed listening to them and the lyrics of their songs. I was completely surprised when they gave their famous "priceless speech" which starts off my saying (and yes I have it memorized): "Girls...don't let any man disrespect your relationship and never settle for second best." It goes on to say that they believe that girls should be treated with "respect and honor" and like princesses. Throw "we believe there's a God who knows you're priceless" in there and I'm in tears. Ever since then I have slowly started to believe and build on the idea that I am priceless, and one of these days God is going to send along someone who believes the same thing. The two guys mentioned above didn't respect or honor me, and they definitely didn't treat me like I was priceless. Instead of me doubting what I'm worth, they should be the ones who feel like crap on the inside. Now I can finally say that I am at a place where I love myself. There's definitely aspects about me that I'm not thrilled about, but slowly and surely I am starting to accept myself and love myself for who I am.

"I love the person I am because I fought to become her."

"Mirror mirror, mirror on the wall/telling those lies/pointing out your flaws/that isn't who you are/it might be hard to hear but let me tell you dear/if you could see what I can see/I know you would believe that isn't who you are/there's more to who you are. So when it's late/you're wide awake/too much to take/don't you dare forget that in the pain/you can be brave/and safe.

I see you dressed in white/every wrong made right/I see a rose in bloom at the site of you/OH SO PRICELESS/irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable/darling it's beautiful/I see it all in you/OH SO PRICELESS."-Priceless by For KING & Country 

Living That Chronic Illness Life

August 2015

Well my friends, I think this is going to be as good as it gets. From what I've read, there is no magical cure for depression and anxiety. It's something you have to manage. Hmmmm...does that sounds familiar to you? Celiac disease. No cure; manage it with your diet. IBS. No cure but meds to take the pain away; you still have to manage all the lovely side effects. Gastroparesis. Definitely no cure; eat smaller meals to manage it. Gastritis. No cure; manage it by taking pills to reduce acid. Depression and anxiety; no cure but be observant to what makes you worse, take medication, and try a slew of natural remedies. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). No cure; learn how to avoid your triggers for management. Notice a theme? I think sometimes we focus too much on getting rid of the problem. However, some things in life we can't just get rid of. Realizing that every single day I manage the symptoms of seven chronic illnesses, it's no wonder that I'm so exhausted in the evenings. I read in one of my "self-help books" about how much energy a person uses fighting illness. Managing chronic illness is exhausting. What gives me comfort is that my body is used to managing things that aren't right in my body. Recently, I've had very good days! I don't burst into tears over nothing, and I haven't been too anxious to leave my house. There are still "bad" moments though, especially at night. Is that any different from managing IBS? I've had good days where my digestion agrees with me and then bad days where I swear I can literally feel my colon clamping down. A huge blessing that has come from my health journey is my body's ability to cope and manage. That's why I love this quote so much:

 

I know I can survive anything. I've often given myself this pep talk before. I'll say to myself, 'if you've had your stomach cut open and your gall bladder removed, you can take this organic chemistry test.'

 

One thing I want to make clear is to never let what you manage control your life and who you are. I drug two containers of Miralax and extra prescription medicines across the ocean to England. Nothing is ever going to stand in my way. Not my health, my medicines, my restricted diet, or my past is going to keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. This determination combined with the ability to survive anything is pure power, and it isn't just for me. No matter what you've been through or what's happened to you, you have the ability and skill to survive. Even if you don't feel like it, I can promise you it's there.

(or man!)

 

So embrace yourself! Even if it seems like nothing is going your way, your situation now is preparing you for the future. Life is going to take unexpected turns, but you will always have what you need to survive. Just stay positive. I could easily complain about how much I hate my life (which I do sometimes, when I'm having a bad day), but every day I have a choice to either stay inside and take pills or bring my pills with me because I'm managing these chronic illnesses and I'm still out there swinging. There came a time when I finally accepted my health journey. It look a long time, and there are still aspects of my health journey that I want to fight, but it's in the past and I've become a stronger person because of it. Eventually I will accept my mental health diagnosis as well, and I'll become accustomed to managing the symptoms, just like I've had to do in the past. The key is recognizing what you have to manage and coming up with ways to manage it.

 

All of what I just said is easier said than done. Some days I feel very overwhelmed with everything that I have to do to manage my chronic illnesses. Other days it's a breeze. It all goes back to managing. Not every day is going to be perfect or the same as the day before. I try to take one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I put my trust in God because I know He has a plan for me so huge that I can't even imagine it tonight. I know that God has planned every minute of every day, every tear, and every diagnosis. I know He is with me all the time and loves me very much. I know that God has a reason for why I live with seven chronic medical conditions and His reasoning will always work out for the good. This faith in God is what brings me peace about my health and the future. With God on my side, the ability to survive anything, and a huge dose of determination, I know the possibilities are endless.  

 







Blessing In The Battle

July 2015

I'm not going to sugar coat anything: as of tonight, I am not doing well. I feel as if the depression has reached an all time low. The medicine my doctor was very confident in didn't work. While there has been a slight decrease in my symptoms, it was never consistent. As of tonight, I am weaning off that medicine and trying something new tomorrow. Today was a really bad day. I'll spare the depressing details but say that I found myself wishing none of this had ever happened. My pediatrician is at the same hospital and office building where my health story took place. Normally this doesn't bother me. In a weird way, I enjoy going to that hospital. It's pretty much my second home, and who doesn't like going home? I have good memories of when I brought cookies to all my doctors and nurses. I still laugh when I think about some of the funny antics of the staff there. However today was different. I was very anxious the entire time there. I kept having PTSD-like flashbacks to the countless times I went into that building sick and hopeless. Suddenly all those happy memories were gone and replaced by dark memories that make me want to run out of the building. That my friends, is what depression does to you. Wishing that it never happened to me won't do anything. It happened. Now I have to live with it. So instead of dwelling on the bad memories and experiences, I wanted to write a post to help me focus on the good memories and blessings that came from my health journey:

*My pediatrician, Dr. S., telling me that it was safe for me to ride all the rides I wanted to at Universal Studios when I had mono
*The percent of people who have died from C.diff is growing, but C.diff didn't kill me
*My first pediatric GI doctor, Dr. D.S., was a quirky little guy with a different personality that always made me laugh
*Going gluten-free and dairy-free has forced me to eat healthier (NOT a reason for going gluten-free though!)
*When Dr. D.S. ran out of ideas, he referred me to an incredible doctor
*This doctor, Dr. Di, gave me a feeling of peace and contentment after the first appointment that I had never felt before when leaving a doctor's office...and called my mom on Labor Day to check on me
*I was tested for Crohn's disease and cancer; both were negative
*Dr. Di's nurse, Nurse J., was easily reached and immediately on it when my mom called saying that I had pain under my right side
*Dr. Di referred me to a great surgeon, Dr. R.
*This surgeon, with his dress pants and scrubs, took my gall bladder out flawlessly and improved my quality of life

*Month by month, my level of nausea dropped, which also improved my quality of life
*Harry Potter is the best distraction
*I truly learned the value of good doctors in January 2012
*Dr. S. came to my rescue when my colon was impacted
*The floor I was hospitalized on was so bright and clean
*Dr. Di was my doctor again and put me on the right medicine that gave me back my life
*I was finally able to deliver my cookie platters and thank my heroes
*I was able to make the Build-A-Bear that I had been dreaming of
*Dr. Di correctly diagnosed and treated me when my stomach problems returned
*Throughout my journey, my faith in God grew tremendously
*I have a great relationship with my mom
*I have a cat who knows exactly when to comfort me
*I have family members across the country who prayed for me
*I have my best friend, Elizabeth, who is always there for me
*I have a sister-in-law who understands me so well and is always encouraging
*My health problems have lead me down the career path that I already love
*Being gluten-free has introduced me to two of my best friends
*My health care team is amazing; they're like family to me











"All our sickness, all our sorrow
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still
Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to pain
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed." 

Invisible Illness & My Journey

June 2015

Hello friends!
 Not too much change here unfortunately. I'm now up to 20mg of my "happy pills". I've had some occasional bursts of energy in the past few days so I'm hoping the next couple days/weeks will be more positive than the last. If I can stay distracted and busy, the anxiety and sadness doesn't bother me as much. The increased dose is definitely affecting my ultra sensitive stomach. I don't have much of an appetite and my stomach hurts almost constantly. I've been using my previous techniques to help relieve this annoying side effect.

My main purpose for writing this post is to release some thoughts and feelings that have been going through my mind lately. If you see a picture of me, you would never guess that I have four chronic digestive disorders, depression, anxiety, and a touch of PTSD. A picture doesn't show that my small intestine can't absorb gluten or that my colon randomly pinches and gives me pain. You can't tell from a picture that the inside of my stomach is inflamed and I have low stomach acid. You also can't tell that my entire digestive track moves so slowly that I never feel hungry or that I don't have a gall bladder. You definitely can't tell from a picture that I have low serotonin levels in my brain. I have what is called an Invisible Illness, and multiple of them. Just because I look healthy and happy on the outside doesn't mean that's what is going on inside. A popular quote tells us not to judge others because we don't know what battle they are fighting. Since I've gotten sick, I've been more observant about this and am trying to be less judgmental of others. Just because these illnesses are invisible doesn't mean they can't be talked about. I'm a big fan of spreading awareness about my conditions. My motto is, "If you got it, flaunt it. No shame." There is no reason why I should hide what I've been through and what I struggle with now. I know writing this blog has been able to help others who are going through the same thing, and I'm beyond thankful that I have the opportunity to do this.  

Since all my health issues are invisible, it can be easy to be occupied with the present and not the past. It's been almost three years since I was finally healthy in August of 2012. A lot has happened in those three years. Yet there are daily reminders of my health journey everywhere. I have four scars on my stomach from my surgery, my mask from the surgery is hanging in my room, my artwork with prescription labels is also in my room, and I always sleep with my teddy bear dressed in scrubs. All these reminders are so familiar to me now. However, last week I was going through one of my dresser drawers when I found my collection of hospital bracelets with my name, age, DOB, and doctor's name on it. I was already having an emotional day, and this tipped me over the edge. My mom came upstairs to find me surrounded by these paper bracelets and sobbing. I felt like I had finally moved past everything that had happened to me and it all came rushing back. All these images flashed through my mind of me sitting in freezing cold hospital waiting rooms for a test that might give me an answer to what was wrong. I saw myself reading Harry Potter while dressed in nothing but a hospital gown waiting for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. I remembered when I got sick the second time around (after being healthy for eight months) and reading a book about British monarchs once again dressed in a hospital gown and waiting for my third endoscopy and second colonoscopy. It's no wonder why I feel I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Don't even get my started on the trip to hell and back when I went to see Dr. Satan in Iowa City. There are "triggers" that get my mind fixed on that nightmare, and I can't do anything to stop that. Don't get me wrong, there are a million positive blessings that came from my health journey, and I thank God for them all the time. Looking at the facts though, there are memories and aspects of my health journey that cause emotional distress when I dwell on them. I don't know what causes this or if it will ever go away, but I think of my health journey as an ever-present companion that I carry with me, for better and for worse.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

Final Post: Acceptance

Epilogue

I officially "called it" on Labor Day of 2013. I had a lot of manage, but the key was that I could manage all the medicines and diets. I no longer struggled daily with that horrid gastritis pain. Once I felt 100% better, my last year of high school began to fly by. The math class at the community college presented its challenges, but it was a great way to prepare me for college academics. In October of 2013, my mom and I were the (very proud!) co-coordinators of Making Tracks for Celiacs: Des Moines--the first ever celiac disease awareness walk in Des Moines. After months of planning, the walk was a huge success! My mom and I were interviewed in the Des Moines Register and KCCI Channel 8 broadcast live from the walk and interviewed me. Over $4,000 was raised and 150 people participated. It was a dream come true! The year of 2013 ended and 2014 began. This was going to be a big year for me: I would graduate high school and go to college. I was very thankful when I finished high school for several reasons. First, I made it a whole year of high school without something medically bad happening.
 Freshman year: mono, c.diff, and celiac disease.
 Sophomore year: surgery, Iowa City, hospitalized, IBS, and gastroparesis
Junior year: gastritis
Understandably, I was quite intimidated by what could possibly happen during my senior year! Thankfully, nothing happened. I was proud of myself for finishing high school on time and with good grades.

Where Am I Now?

These days, I am feeling great! I will occasionally have a day where I do everything I'm supposed to, but I just don't feel good. That comes with having four chronic digestive disorders. However, I would say that I feel well 95% of the time! My diet is still restricted but much less than what it used to be. I currently avoid gluten, dairy, meat, bananas, coconut, tomatoes, and onions. As for medicines, I still take amitriptyline and prescription prevacid. I have completely weaned myself off of cholestryamine because it was making my stomach hurt after I took it. Not living with all the nasty side effects has greatly improved my quality of life! I also take a vitamin, probiotic, Miralax, and peppermint oil capsules.
 I can run anywhere between three to four miles three times a week, and I still enjoy it just as much as I did when I started. To date, I have participated in seven 5k races.
 This summer, I am working (still at the daycare!) and running a lot. I recently returned from a trip to Texas to visit my cousin and her incredible family. My cousin has her own health issues and has been a constant source of friendship at support! I will turn 19 next Sunday, and shortly after that I will embark on my latest adventure: college. I will be attending Iowa State University for dietetics. I plan on becoming a pediatric clinical dietitian after I graduate. Just the thought of having the opportunity to help kids who are sick and in hospitals fills me with joy. Going to college is a big step for me, and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous. In addition to managing everything that is college, I will be bringing along my restricted diet, medicines, and health problems. I believe that God will give me the strength to manage all of this, just like He has given me strength to manage chronic illness at a young age.

Final Glances

Before I publish this last post, there are a few more things I want to say. My health journey was unexpected, chronic, complicated, and rough. At the same time, there are so many blessings that have come from it.
My faith: this is something that has definitely increased since I got sick. I have a small notebook filled with encouraging verses from the Bible that I read every day when I was sick. It was amazing to experience the amount of peace and comfort I got from these verses. Multiple times one of these verses would "randomly" pop into my head in a time that I needed to hear something encouraging, comforting, or reassuring. I have now personally seen how God works "all things for the good of those who love Him" and that He does have a plan for us. God has placed incredible people in my life, and it's amazing to think about how His plan has played out through all sorts of people. All of the blessings/lessons I've learned listed below would never have occurred if I hadn't gotten sick. Yes, living with all that I have and experiencing everything that I've been through was not pleasant. Do I wish it would have never happened? No. If I could go back in time and magically prevent all of this from happening, I wouldn't! As I mentioned above, I want to be a dietitian. I would never in a million years have decided on that career choice if I hadn't been sick enough to require a dietitian's help. I would have probably ended up as a speech language pathologist or a personal trainer, but I am SO excited for my future as a dietitian! I love how I can finally see a little bit of God's great plan for me.
My family: I have formed very close relationships with my family, especially my mom and grandparents, during my health journey. My mom was (and still is) my constant source of support. If I don't feel good or something isn't going right, she is the first person I turn to. She can always cheer
me up and make me feel better. I'm so thankful for the memories, both good and bad, that we've gone made and the experiences that we've gone through together. I know that I wouldn't have made it out of my health crisis without her! My grandparents have also been so supportive. It started with them baking me gluten-free treats and making family gatherings "Sarah Safe". Since then, my grandpa and I text each other every night and we all enjoy being together. Both of my grandparents are inspirations to me; they've been through so much but yet they are the kindest people I know. I've also deeply bonded with my precious cat, Oliver. He's always been my baby, but when I got sick he became even closer to me. He always comforted me when I was upset by purring, rubbing his face against my hand, and rolling around on the floor to make me laugh. He even kneads his paws on my stomach when I don't feel good! I have also developed close relationships with two of my cousins, Lisa and Leda. We don't live close, but we are certainly close at heart! All three of my dad's siblings have also showed so much care and concern through my health journey. I never felt like I was going through this alone; I could always feel the support and prayers that were coming from my spread-across-the-country family!

My friends: When my health reached the point where I was always canceling plans with friends because I didn't feel good, only two of my friends stuck by my side. Elizabeth and T. Both of them always asked how I was feeling and were very sensitive to my health. They didn't seem to mind if I canceled existing plans because a doctor appointment or test came up. I've been friends with Elizabeth since I was in kindergarten, and T. and I have been friends since first or second grade. Both of them have secured a place in my wedding :P The family that I babysat for have also proved to me huge blessings. Those kiddos were the perfect distraction for me when I needed one. Erika, their amazing mother, always filled me with hope and encouragement when I was sick.
My doctors and medical team: I talk a lot in my blog about my doctors, nurses, and other medical professionals I've interacted with. I think if I would have been younger or older, the medical staff I had wouldn't have mattered as much. However, I was at such a vulnerable age: 15-18 years old. I spent more time in waiting rooms and with the doctor than I did at friends' houses. Therefore, my nurses and doctors became my friends. I now consider them family. Each doctor has made a difference in my life and for that I will be forever thankful. Of course, there's always that doctor. Even though Dr. Satan did absolutely nothing to improve my quality of life, he did teach me things. He taught me to appreciate the good doctors. He taught me to advocate for myself, even if the "doctor" didn't believe a word I said. He taught me how to stand tall and strong in the midst of a raging storm. This doesn't mean that I speak well of him because I had to learn all of these things thanks to him. When I look back at my time with him, it doesn't go well for me. I know he has affected other patients in a similar way. There are days when I want to report him to the Iowa Board of Medicine or blackmail him, but then I remind myself of two things my mom told me: "God will take care of people like him" and "The best revenge is you feeling better because of doctors in Des Moines."
 My mom and I regularly get together with Nurse T. for lunch or walks. She is such a good friend and an inspiration. My friendship with Nurse T. is the perfect example of one of the greatest blessings that has come from my health journey.

Facts and Figures:  My mom finds these figured depressing, but I find them interesting and somewhat amusing. From 2010-2013, I visited the hospital 105 times. I had five ultrasounds, seven x-rays, three endoscopies, two colonoscopies, one surgery, and nine nuclear medicine tests. I saw 15 doctors from 11 different specialties.
Thank YOU: When I started this blog, I didn't know if it would be successful. I figured the only people who would read it would be my family and friends. As of today, however, over 3,800 people in 12 different countries have read this blog! Thank you for showing interest in my blog. As I'm about to mention, writing this blog has been crucial for me to move forward from my health journey.
Things I've Learned: I have learned that nothing tastes as good as feeling good, sometimes all you need to do is read a Harry Potter book, it's okay to cry, peppermint does wonders on a troubled tummy, never tell a sick person how terrible they look, understanding the family tree of the British Monarchy is a great distraction, cats provide great comfort, some GI doctors look up so many buttholes that they become one, not every doctor will be as great as mine so I thank God for my doctors, coffee is a laxative, gluten can be hidden in anything and everything, people will say stupid stuff because they are ignorant, a walk around the lake can mentally transform a person, and everyone has a story, baggage, and pains that they will always carry with them.

When a traumatic event happens, there are five stages of mourning: shock, denial, anger, depression, and acceptance. As I look back on my health journey, I can clearly see the times when I went through these stages. I can also see when I went through these stages after I felt better. The psychological recovery after the physical recovery of chronic illness is just as important. It took me a while to learn how to function without feeling sick. After I discovered this, I had a hard time accepting and moving on from my recently won battle. When I started this blog, I just wanted to share my story and maybe help some people. I had no idea that writing my health story would be such a cleansing process. I had to dig down deep and re-live the past few years. This was not easy to do, but after I published each post, I had this wonderful feeling of peace. Yes, bad things have happened to me but it's okay. I survived, I am alive, and I am thriving. I am living the life that I dreamed about when I was sick; I can run, work, and do what I want to do. I'm even going to college soon! I will never be able to forget everything that has happened to me, but I've come to the point where I don't dwell on what has happened. I'm a total sentimentalist so my health journey will always be in my heart. I am not the same person that I was before I got sick, and I would like to think that my health journey has made me a better person. I'm so thankful that I started this blog as it has given me the final stage of the grieving process: acceptance.

After
August 2014

"I have fought the good fight; I have finished the race; I have kept the faith." -2nd Timothy 4:7



Before
August 2010



 

 

 

THE END!!!!!!!!!

 

P.S. If you would take a few minutes to give me some feedback, that would be fantastic! Please leave a comment below with how you discovered my blog, what made you read it, and your thoughts, comments, or questions. Thank you!! :)

The "Something Else"

June 2013

Clean out day :(

I hoped and prayed that something, anything, would change or improve so I wouldn't have to have my third endoscopy and second colonoscopy on June 6. My stomach refused to comply with this idea. There were events to keep my mind busy however. My mom and I made mints and table favors with my future sister-in-law for their upcoming wedding, and we also hosted and attended bridal showers. June 4 was my last day of freedom before the following clean out and scope. I met up with a friend of mine who was moving to California at Starbucks. I ordered a Grande Frappuccino as a treat for myself since I knew what to expect for the next two days. I wasn't able to eat any solids on June 5 so I started the day with a popsicle. The "dirty", as Dr. Di put it, clean out started at noon with a magnesium citrate. I downed it in my usual time of 30 minutes while watching a show on PBS about England. I switched back and forth from jello to popsicles for the rest of the day, and I drank the second magnesium citrate at 4:00. The second bottle was much harder to get down than the first and took me a long time. I felt so nauseous and exhausted. I camped out on the couch with my cat and the TV remote for the entire day. A surprise came from my grandparents in the afternoon: a bouquet of flowers and an adorable stuffed lion. My grandparents stayed completely up to date with my medical problems, and my mom talked to my grandpa every day to update him about me. I went to bed early that night, mainly because I had to get up early the next day, but also because the clean out had completely exhausted me. I was so down in the dumps. How did I make it back to this? My last scope was in August of 2011; almost two years ago. What could possibly be wrong?
 I had to be at the hospital at 7am on the day of the scope, June 6. There was some extreme deja vu going on as my mom and I walked into the hospital and to the endoscopy floor. Last time, I was so dehydrated that I could barely move, but I didn't feel that way this time. A big male nurse called me from the waiting room and took me back to the prep area. Since I was so out-of-it last time, it was a like a whole new world! I changed into the very flattering hospital gown and socks before the nurse came in. She had the sweetest voice I've ever heard! She was very quite and mild with a soft and squeaky voice to match. She almost made the experience pleasant! After she left, I read my current British book until Dr. Di came in. My parents signed consent forms, we went over the procedure, and Dr. Di said that if the scope came back normal he would try to get me in to see an adult GI even though my 18th birthday was over two months away. The thought of that made me pray even harder that there would be something visibly wrong. That's such an odd thing to pray for, but when you are in a situation like mine, you find yourself praying for a problem that can be resolved. After Dr. Di left, Nurse T. surprised me with a visit! It was so great to see her; she completely put me at ease. Soon it was time to start the IV so I could be taken back to the procedure room. I kept myself from rolling my eyes when the child life specialist came in and talked to me like I was 10. I knew the IV would be hard to get in because I was dehydrated, and I was right. After two nurses and three tries, an IV was finally started. While the nurses were trying, the anesthesiologist came in to go over the basics of being put under. I hugged my mom goodbye before walking with a nurse down the hallway and around a corner. I saw a huge white board (just like on Grey's Anatomy) stating which doctor was in which room. This procedure room was different from the room I was in last time. It was small, dark, and very crowded. Nurse J., Dr. Di's male nurse, was drinking coffee and greeted me with a friendly hello and asked how I was.
"Well....I'm here."
Nurse J. apologized for drinking coffee since it was "unprofessional". I told him that it smelled so good and I was thirsty. I laid down on the table while the nurses put heart monitor stickers on me. I heard the anesthesiologist (who was behind my head) ask Dr. Di how he wants his teens during scopes. Dr. Di replied that I should be kept still and calm.
"And asleep." I added, which drew laughs from everybody.
"Good for you; voicing your own opinion!" The nurse who was standing next to me said. "You look familiar. Have we scoped you before?"
I was impressed that she was able to recognize me after almost two years. She had me breathe in oxygen before the "magic medicine" was going to be put in through the IV. It might sting and I would probably feel "floaty". Shortly after she said that, my fingers started to tingle and my cheeks stung and itched. I briefly felt nervous, but I reminded myself that as soon as I fell asleep I would wake up again. That's one of the blessings from being put under so many times: I knew what to expect. My face felt hot and then the floaty feeling came.

About 45 minutes later, Dr. Di met my parents in the waiting room while I was taken to recovery. I faintly remember asking the nurse where my mom was before falling back asleep. I remember opening my eyes and seeing my mom. I was very teary and confused. Ultimately, I was dying to know what, if anything, was wrong, but I couldn't think straight enough to come up with the words to ask. I got very upset about the automatic blood pressure cuff that was squeezing my arm and the oxygen clip on my finger.
"It's bugging me." I said as I took the clip off my finger. The nurse gently moved it to a different finger which satisfied me. When I was more awake, I asked my mom what they found. I still clearly remember my mom saying: "your stomach is inflamed and there is bile in your stomach." I was so relieved that I fell back asleep. The next time I woke up, I asked for something to drink. The nurse brought me a juice box. Even though I still had a decent amount of anesthesia in my body, I still searched the juice box for a label to read.
"Sarah....it's gluten-free." My mom told me.
I slept on and off for about a hour before the nurse wanted me to start sitting up. I was curious to see the pictures of my inflamed stomach, and I was taken back at how red and inflamed the inside of my stomach looked. It was also weird to see green liquid (bile) in my stomach as well..  I added a fourth digestive disorder to my list: gastritis

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Gastritis: Gastritis occurs when the lining of the stomach becomes inflamed or swollen.
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 I didn't feel completely awake, but I was cleared to go home anyways. My mom left to get the car while I was wheeled outside. I slept the whole way home, and when I got home I went up to my bedroom where my cat was more than willing to comfort me by purring and sleeping as close to me as possible. I rested for most of the day, but I was so touched when flowers came from my brother and future sister-in-law.

Beautiful flowers from
my brother and his fiancée

  My mom informed me that Dr. Di prescribed Nexium, the purple pill, for the inflammation in my stomach. The bile had leaked into my stomach because I don't have a gall bladder. Dr. Di wanted to give the Nexium a chance to work before starting anything for the bile.
At the end of the day, I was exhausted but thankful. There was a problem that could be fixed. If you remember from the previous post, both Dr. El and Dr. Di had guessed that I had gastritis. An inflamed stomach completely explained the early feelings of being full and the stomach pain that was so bad I could hardly stand up straight.

I had been on Nexium for a few days when I started to see it actually working. I only noticed a very small difference in how I felt, but it was better than nothing. In the meantime, I continued to work, run, and prepare for my role as a bridesmaid in my brother's upcoming wedding. This brings me to some much needed comic relief: I had been using a daily tanning lotion so I wouldn't look like a vampire in my bridesmaid dress. I was getting dressed one day when I noticed something strange. There were three round circle shapes on my chest that weren't tan. I couldn't figure out what it was but it finally hit me: the heart monitors that were stuck to my chest during the scope had taken off my tanning lotion! I started applying extra lotion to those areas so it wouldn't be visibly noticeable that I had been put under about a month before the wedding!
 As time moved on, I still didn't feel consistently well. My mom called Nurse J., who gave a full report to Dr. Di. A medicine was prescribed, and this medicine was called cholestryamine:
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Cholestryamine: an oral drug used for many reasons, one of which is to bind up any excess bile in the stomach.
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In addition to having nasty sounding side effects (constipation and abdominal distension anyone?), this medicine was what I would call high maintenance. It had to be taken three hours before any other medicine and no more than one hour after other medicine. This wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn't on so many medicines! I was still taking amitriptyline and Nexium in addition to a vitamin, probiotic, Miralax, occasional Tylenol, and peppermint oil capsules. All of those counted as medicines. My mom came up with a medicine schedule that we sat down and planned every single day. That isn't the end of this high maintenance medicine though. It was a powder that I mixed with three ounces of water twice a day. The powder was bright orange and smelled like orange juice. It kind of tasted like Sunny D, only not as good. I also had to brush my teeth really well after I drank it because it would coat my teeth and could cause potential tooth decay. Sounds great right?! With all the effort and planning this medicine took, it had better work.
 I actually did feel better within a few days! I could never feel well consistently though. I was, however, very proud of myself for graduating from the Couch 2 5k running program! By the end of June, I could run three miles. I was so thankful that this latest round of bad health didn't prevent me from running. I felt like I was fighting my stomach back whenever I ran!

July 2013

On July 1 I had a follow up appointment with Dr. Di. I still wasn't consistently feeling better. My mom looked back through my medical history file on our computer and noticed that at the end of last summer (when I felt 100% better), I had just gotten off prescription prevacid (aka lansoprazole). Lansoprazole is in the same family as other medicines that shut off pumps in the stomach that produce acid. If it worked last year, why wouldn't it work again? Dr. Di agreed to try the prevacid, along with increasing the cholestryamine to three times a day. While doing his usual physical exam, Dr. Di felt something different in my stomach. He thought it was probably a muscle (abs of steel!!) or maybe my spine, but he wanted me to have an ultrasound just in case. It was almost sad how routine and normal the ultrasound was. Of course, it came back normal.
 As my brother's wedding drew closer, I started to get nervous. I desperately wanted to feel better for the wedding. I wanted to look like a healthy bridesmaid, dance the night away at the reception, and have a great report for all the out-of-state relatives who would be there and undoubtedly ask how I was feeling. Thankfully, as the week of the wedding came around, I did start to feel a little bit better. I noticed that my stomach would really start to hurt, that gastritis pain, about 30 minutes before the next dose of cholestryamine was due. After I drank my medicine, my stomach would feel better. I began to look at cholestryamine as a friend, not a terrible side effect causing medicine that tasted gross.

Wedding time!

The weekend of my brother's wedding came quickly. It was so great to see my dad's siblings and cousins again AND to tell them that I was feeling better. I was able to dance with everybody else for the entire reception, something that I love to do at weddings! My stomach felt great, but that was probably due to the fact that I hadn't had much to eat that day. The day after the wedding, when I actually had time to eat, my stomach returned to its usual fullness and pain mode.
 The rest of July was filled with working, running, and enjoying what was left of summer. I registered to take a math class at our community college, as prep for college, during my senior year of high school, and I wondered if I would still not feel well when it started.

August 2013

At the beginning of August, I noticed an interesting trend. On days when I worked a morning shift at the daycare, I got up at 6:00 in the morning. I had to take my cholestryamine after I woke up and one hour after taking my other medicines. I set my alarm to take my prevacid, probiotic, and peppermint oil capsule at 5:20 a.m. so I could take the cholestryamine at 6:20 before I left for work. On days when I didn't have to work the morning shift, I didn't set an alarm to take my medicine at 5:20. On days when I didn't do this, I didn't feel well. On days when I took my pills at 5:20, I felt pretty good. I like to think that God caused me to realize this because I had a dream where I took my pills at 5:20 when in reality I didn't. Maybe my body was so used to receiving the pills at 5:20 that I dreamt about it. With this being said, I will remind you what prevacid does: prevacid shuts off the pumps in the stomach that produce acid. When I took prevacid at 5:20, those pumps were shut off and stomach acid wasn't irritating the gastritis. However, when I didn't take prevacid at 5:20, the pumps were shut off at whatever time I took it. I decided to always set my alarm for 5:20, regardless of what time I actually had to get up, to see if that helped. It did! Still to this day, I take my prevacid at 5:20 in the morning. After realizing that prevacid had to be taken at the same time every day, it made me wonder if taking the cholestryamine at the same time would have the same effect. I created a schedule and strictly followed it. It worked wonders!


The master schedule

 I had read something on Pinterest about chamomile tea being good for healing inflammation. I started drinking a cup of chamomile tea (with some milk because chamomile tea by itself tastes like straw!) every morning. It helped my stomach get started off on a good note, and it tasted great! August 10 brought my 18th birthday! I celebrated by having a picnic and boat ride at the lake with all of my family before going to the Iowa State Fair. I felt great on my birthday! I didn't feel like I had "turned the corner" but I knew I was close.
 Now that I was 18, I could finally get my ears pierced. My mom's rule was that my sister and I had to wait until we were 18 to get our ears pierced. My friend, Elizabeth, and I had made plans to go to Claire's together and get my ears pierced ever since we were little. Elizabeth has had her ears pierced three times so she was full of advice and tips. My mom, Elizabeth, and I made a day out of this big event by going out for lunch before the piercing and shopping afterwards. My mom couldn't watch me get my ears pierced because she thought she would throw up so she waited outside. Having my ears pierced was just like having blood drawn or an IV started. I had no problems with the piercing, and I fell in love with my new look!

No big deal! :P

 My senior year of high school started a few days after I got my ears pierced. I had some stress and anxiety about starting the math class at the community college and that resulted in me not feeling well. I still struggled on and off with the gastritis pain even when I had taken my pills at the right time so I knew I wasn't 100% yet, but I was so close!
 I accomplished a great feat on August 25: I ran my first 5k race at the church that I work at! I finished in just a little over 30 minutes, and I was in the top ten finishers. My health might not be perfect, but I was in awe of the progress I had made. Two years ago in August 2011, I was dangerously sick and waiting for an answer. I was healthy in August 2012, but I was in no position to run 3.2 miles. Had I turned the corner? I think so.....

TO BE CONTINUED.....

Finishing my first 5k!!