Living That Chronic Illness Life

August 2015

Well my friends, I think this is going to be as good as it gets. From what I've read, there is no magical cure for depression and anxiety. It's something you have to manage. Hmmmm...does that sounds familiar to you? Celiac disease. No cure; manage it with your diet. IBS. No cure but meds to take the pain away; you still have to manage all the lovely side effects. Gastroparesis. Definitely no cure; eat smaller meals to manage it. Gastritis. No cure; manage it by taking pills to reduce acid. Depression and anxiety; no cure but be observant to what makes you worse, take medication, and try a slew of natural remedies. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). No cure; learn how to avoid your triggers for management. Notice a theme? I think sometimes we focus too much on getting rid of the problem. However, some things in life we can't just get rid of. Realizing that every single day I manage the symptoms of seven chronic illnesses, it's no wonder that I'm so exhausted in the evenings. I read in one of my "self-help books" about how much energy a person uses fighting illness. Managing chronic illness is exhausting. What gives me comfort is that my body is used to managing things that aren't right in my body. Recently, I've had very good days! I don't burst into tears over nothing, and I haven't been too anxious to leave my house. There are still "bad" moments though, especially at night. Is that any different from managing IBS? I've had good days where my digestion agrees with me and then bad days where I swear I can literally feel my colon clamping down. A huge blessing that has come from my health journey is my body's ability to cope and manage. That's why I love this quote so much:

 

I know I can survive anything. I've often given myself this pep talk before. I'll say to myself, 'if you've had your stomach cut open and your gall bladder removed, you can take this organic chemistry test.'

 

One thing I want to make clear is to never let what you manage control your life and who you are. I drug two containers of Miralax and extra prescription medicines across the ocean to England. Nothing is ever going to stand in my way. Not my health, my medicines, my restricted diet, or my past is going to keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. This determination combined with the ability to survive anything is pure power, and it isn't just for me. No matter what you've been through or what's happened to you, you have the ability and skill to survive. Even if you don't feel like it, I can promise you it's there.

(or man!)

 

So embrace yourself! Even if it seems like nothing is going your way, your situation now is preparing you for the future. Life is going to take unexpected turns, but you will always have what you need to survive. Just stay positive. I could easily complain about how much I hate my life (which I do sometimes, when I'm having a bad day), but every day I have a choice to either stay inside and take pills or bring my pills with me because I'm managing these chronic illnesses and I'm still out there swinging. There came a time when I finally accepted my health journey. It look a long time, and there are still aspects of my health journey that I want to fight, but it's in the past and I've become a stronger person because of it. Eventually I will accept my mental health diagnosis as well, and I'll become accustomed to managing the symptoms, just like I've had to do in the past. The key is recognizing what you have to manage and coming up with ways to manage it.

 

All of what I just said is easier said than done. Some days I feel very overwhelmed with everything that I have to do to manage my chronic illnesses. Other days it's a breeze. It all goes back to managing. Not every day is going to be perfect or the same as the day before. I try to take one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I put my trust in God because I know He has a plan for me so huge that I can't even imagine it tonight. I know that God has planned every minute of every day, every tear, and every diagnosis. I know He is with me all the time and loves me very much. I know that God has a reason for why I live with seven chronic medical conditions and His reasoning will always work out for the good. This faith in God is what brings me peace about my health and the future. With God on my side, the ability to survive anything, and a huge dose of determination, I know the possibilities are endless.  

 







When The Meds Don't Work And You Have To Try Again

July 2015

Hi friends, family, and followers! I've been doing alright, maybe even a little bit better. I stopped taking my medicine for depression and anxiety and instead increased the low dose antidepressant I have been taking for IBS. I've had three very good days, which are like bright rays of sunshine. I've had lots of thoughts on my mind lately, and thought I would share them here.

 Self-help books are amazing. It's okay if you feel weird in the mental health section of the library and pray that you don't see anyone you know. I've checked out 10 books about depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. My doctor has mentioned how he thinks talking with a therapist would help me. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, that route is not for me. I felt very empowered with my stack of books and notebook that I take notes in. When I'm having a rough day, reading these books isn't a good idea and I'm better off reading Harry Potter. On days when I'm doing okay, I take immense comfort in the power of knowledge. Maybe it's the science-minded nerd that I am, but I feel so much better knowing how mental health issues happen and why these issues cause the symptoms that they do. The self-help books have also given me good tips to help manage these issues and help me feel like I'm in control. If anyone reading this is and is struggling with a health problem, I strongly suggest finding books to help explain your condition to you. Knowledge is power!

It's okay to feel the things we feel and accept those feelings. A lot of the books I've been reading have emphasized this a lot. It's important that we recognize feelings and accept them. By doing this, we can remember what caused these feelings. If these feelings aren't positive (called triggers), we can remember what caused the feelings and try our best to avoid them. For example, too much noise and stimulation gives me a lot of anxiety so I avoid places/situations that have this effect on me. Even something has simple has pausing the TV while the water in the tea pot is boiling helps me a lot. I've been able to use ear plugs at home when there is a lot of commotion in the house. At the same time, no noise at all makes me uncomfortable and takes me into my "dark place." So if I'm home alone, I watch TV or go workout until someone else is home and I feel comfortable reading.

Reaching out is so important. I've lost track of the times I've excited my mom or a close friend during an anxiety attack. I have also called my mom in a public bathroom stall during an attack. While it's not the same as being with someone else, talking it out can definitely help. There is NO SHAME in this. Reaching out, asking for prayers, or just telling someone of your struggles is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength: you know you can't do this on your own and you need help. If anyone treats you differently or doesn't support you, get rid of them instantly.

Never underestimate the power of our five senses. Two of the books I read was about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As I've said before, I believe I have PTSD. These books highlighted the role that the five senses (sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing) play a huge role in PTSD. I've experienced this in a negative way: the sight of the hospital in Iowa City sends me into a panic attack; the taste of applesauce and jello reminds me of how much I ate those foods when I was sick. I'll skip the fascinating science behind this, but if you're interested, check out Recovering From Trauma and PTSD and The Everything Guide to Overcoming PTSD. These senses are so powerful when it comes to bringing back bad memories, but I've been blessed to have these senses contribute to bringing me out of an anxiety attack and calming me down: the hospital that I work at uses the same soap that my pediatricians and pediatric GI doctor use. When I randomly smelled my hands at work one day, I immediately felt a calm and peaceful vibe come over me. I didn't put it together until later on in the day, but the smell of that soap reminds me of my doctors. I spent a lot of time with these guys, and what do doctors always do when they see a patient? Wash their hands. My brain associates the smell of that soap with the feeling of peace and safety that those doctors gave me. Whenever I was with them, I felt well cared for. I've been "stealing" this soap from the bathrooms in the hospital and smell it whenever I'm feeling anxious. Sure enough, it works. Every. Single. Time. Now, of course, what kind of sick and messed up person gets comfort from the smell of doctors? I do! Depending on the day, I either burst out laughing or into tears when I have to smell my soap because it is a little strange, but if it works I don't care how crazy it seems!

I'm learning that living with mental health issues is a struggle, especially when the medicine isn't working fast enough, but the burden of living with these issues can be lessened by learning how to cope with these issues in a way that works for you.

Again, thanks for reading! Hopefully these posts are sounding more positive!

Sarah :)

Blessing In The Battle

July 2015

I'm not going to sugar coat anything: as of tonight, I am not doing well. I feel as if the depression has reached an all time low. The medicine my doctor was very confident in didn't work. While there has been a slight decrease in my symptoms, it was never consistent. As of tonight, I am weaning off that medicine and trying something new tomorrow. Today was a really bad day. I'll spare the depressing details but say that I found myself wishing none of this had ever happened. My pediatrician is at the same hospital and office building where my health story took place. Normally this doesn't bother me. In a weird way, I enjoy going to that hospital. It's pretty much my second home, and who doesn't like going home? I have good memories of when I brought cookies to all my doctors and nurses. I still laugh when I think about some of the funny antics of the staff there. However today was different. I was very anxious the entire time there. I kept having PTSD-like flashbacks to the countless times I went into that building sick and hopeless. Suddenly all those happy memories were gone and replaced by dark memories that make me want to run out of the building. That my friends, is what depression does to you. Wishing that it never happened to me won't do anything. It happened. Now I have to live with it. So instead of dwelling on the bad memories and experiences, I wanted to write a post to help me focus on the good memories and blessings that came from my health journey:

*My pediatrician, Dr. S., telling me that it was safe for me to ride all the rides I wanted to at Universal Studios when I had mono
*The percent of people who have died from C.diff is growing, but C.diff didn't kill me
*My first pediatric GI doctor, Dr. D.S., was a quirky little guy with a different personality that always made me laugh
*Going gluten-free and dairy-free has forced me to eat healthier (NOT a reason for going gluten-free though!)
*When Dr. D.S. ran out of ideas, he referred me to an incredible doctor
*This doctor, Dr. Di, gave me a feeling of peace and contentment after the first appointment that I had never felt before when leaving a doctor's office...and called my mom on Labor Day to check on me
*I was tested for Crohn's disease and cancer; both were negative
*Dr. Di's nurse, Nurse J., was easily reached and immediately on it when my mom called saying that I had pain under my right side
*Dr. Di referred me to a great surgeon, Dr. R.
*This surgeon, with his dress pants and scrubs, took my gall bladder out flawlessly and improved my quality of life

*Month by month, my level of nausea dropped, which also improved my quality of life
*Harry Potter is the best distraction
*I truly learned the value of good doctors in January 2012
*Dr. S. came to my rescue when my colon was impacted
*The floor I was hospitalized on was so bright and clean
*Dr. Di was my doctor again and put me on the right medicine that gave me back my life
*I was finally able to deliver my cookie platters and thank my heroes
*I was able to make the Build-A-Bear that I had been dreaming of
*Dr. Di correctly diagnosed and treated me when my stomach problems returned
*Throughout my journey, my faith in God grew tremendously
*I have a great relationship with my mom
*I have a cat who knows exactly when to comfort me
*I have family members across the country who prayed for me
*I have my best friend, Elizabeth, who is always there for me
*I have a sister-in-law who understands me so well and is always encouraging
*My health problems have lead me down the career path that I already love
*Being gluten-free has introduced me to two of my best friends
*My health care team is amazing; they're like family to me











"All our sickness, all our sorrow
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still
Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to pain
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed." 

Invisible Illness & My Journey

June 2015

Hello friends!
 Not too much change here unfortunately. I'm now up to 20mg of my "happy pills". I've had some occasional bursts of energy in the past few days so I'm hoping the next couple days/weeks will be more positive than the last. If I can stay distracted and busy, the anxiety and sadness doesn't bother me as much. The increased dose is definitely affecting my ultra sensitive stomach. I don't have much of an appetite and my stomach hurts almost constantly. I've been using my previous techniques to help relieve this annoying side effect.

My main purpose for writing this post is to release some thoughts and feelings that have been going through my mind lately. If you see a picture of me, you would never guess that I have four chronic digestive disorders, depression, anxiety, and a touch of PTSD. A picture doesn't show that my small intestine can't absorb gluten or that my colon randomly pinches and gives me pain. You can't tell from a picture that the inside of my stomach is inflamed and I have low stomach acid. You also can't tell that my entire digestive track moves so slowly that I never feel hungry or that I don't have a gall bladder. You definitely can't tell from a picture that I have low serotonin levels in my brain. I have what is called an Invisible Illness, and multiple of them. Just because I look healthy and happy on the outside doesn't mean that's what is going on inside. A popular quote tells us not to judge others because we don't know what battle they are fighting. Since I've gotten sick, I've been more observant about this and am trying to be less judgmental of others. Just because these illnesses are invisible doesn't mean they can't be talked about. I'm a big fan of spreading awareness about my conditions. My motto is, "If you got it, flaunt it. No shame." There is no reason why I should hide what I've been through and what I struggle with now. I know writing this blog has been able to help others who are going through the same thing, and I'm beyond thankful that I have the opportunity to do this.  

Since all my health issues are invisible, it can be easy to be occupied with the present and not the past. It's been almost three years since I was finally healthy in August of 2012. A lot has happened in those three years. Yet there are daily reminders of my health journey everywhere. I have four scars on my stomach from my surgery, my mask from the surgery is hanging in my room, my artwork with prescription labels is also in my room, and I always sleep with my teddy bear dressed in scrubs. All these reminders are so familiar to me now. However, last week I was going through one of my dresser drawers when I found my collection of hospital bracelets with my name, age, DOB, and doctor's name on it. I was already having an emotional day, and this tipped me over the edge. My mom came upstairs to find me surrounded by these paper bracelets and sobbing. I felt like I had finally moved past everything that had happened to me and it all came rushing back. All these images flashed through my mind of me sitting in freezing cold hospital waiting rooms for a test that might give me an answer to what was wrong. I saw myself reading Harry Potter while dressed in nothing but a hospital gown waiting for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. I remembered when I got sick the second time around (after being healthy for eight months) and reading a book about British monarchs once again dressed in a hospital gown and waiting for my third endoscopy and second colonoscopy. It's no wonder why I feel I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Don't even get my started on the trip to hell and back when I went to see Dr. Satan in Iowa City. There are "triggers" that get my mind fixed on that nightmare, and I can't do anything to stop that. Don't get me wrong, there are a million positive blessings that came from my health journey, and I thank God for them all the time. Looking at the facts though, there are memories and aspects of my health journey that cause emotional distress when I dwell on them. I don't know what causes this or if it will ever go away, but I think of my health journey as an ever-present companion that I carry with me, for better and for worse.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

Follow Up: Where I've Been & Where I Am

June 2015

Hello again friends and blog followers! I've decided to write another post about my newly diagnosed depression and anxiety, not because it's a fun topic, but because writing allows me to express my thoughts and feelings in ways that I most likely wouldn't do in a conversation. Let's start with an update on how I'm doing as of today. I've been on my medication for three weeks tomorrow (Thursday). The dosage was increased on Monday. This medicine is semi-helpful. The need for massive amounts of Miralax has decreased and the pain from the gastritis flare up is gone! In my last post I mentioned how the medicine was giving me anxiety attacks. While these attacks still come, they don't last as long and aren't as frequent. I've even been able to distract myself when attack helps (usually by looking at pictures of those adorable Royal babies!) so I don't need to reach out. Unfortunately, the medicine is not helping with the fatigue, muscle aches, joint pains, and depression. My doctor increased the dosage in hopes that a higher dose will help with these remaining symptoms. I've gone to the gym every day for two weeks (I did skip a couple days and walked around the lake with my mom, but that still counts as a workout!), which helps energize me, stabilize my moods, and makes my muscles ache less.

Pedicures with mom

So how am I coping until the medicine starts fully working? To be 100% honest, it's the hardest thing I've had to do. I've been comparing this bout of illness with my previous run-ins with chronic illness. In the past, my health problem was physical. My stomach was upset. My body couldn't digest gluten anymore. My gall bladder was causing me pain. My abdomen hurt. My colon decided to be a pain in the butt (I'm cracking up at that pun by the way!). My stomach was inflamed and full of bile. All physical problems. During all of my previous health issues, I've "still had my brain", for lack of better wording. Even though those problems sucked, I was able to think clearly and choose to see the positive. With mental health issues, I don't have that ability. As much as I try and as much as it's pointed out to me, it's hard to see the bright side. It's all due to the chemical imbalance, not something that I can control. That adds an element of frustration to all this. I am BEYOND THANKFUL for all the family and friends who are supporting me and praying for me. As I said before, this is something I cannot fight alone, and I need every person who is willing to go at this with me. As always, my mom is extraordinary. She gets up at a very early time when I have to work in the mornings because my anxiety tends to be worse when I have to get up early. Being alone and in the dark also makes the depression and anxiety worse so my mom hangs out with me before I fall asleep. She's always doing fun things with me and nice things for me, and I'll never be able to thank her enough!

Awareness Art

   When I'm not working or interning, I try to stay as busy as possible in my free time. I do fun things with my mom and my best friend Elizabeth. I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy, scrapbooking, creating art projects, and reading the Harry Potter series for the fourth time. In my older posts I talked about bringing a Harry Potter book to the hospital and doctor's offices. The Boy Who Lived and his brilliant creator, J.K. Rowling, are successful again in transporting me to a different world. When I'm feeling anxious and/or sad, I pick up my book and my mind is taken away from the demons that are inside. Most of the time I'm so drop dead tired that I go back and forth between watching Grey's Anatomy and reading Harry Potter; I don't have much energy to do anything else.

Best therapist: cat and
Harry Potter!

So that's where I am now. Some days are better than others. Some days start off well but come crashing down later on. There's no way to predict or prepare for how a day will turn out. The only thing I can do is take each day step by step, lean on the support from family and friends, and trust in God.

Next I would like to share some interesting things I noticed before I was diagnosed, when I was still in college and living in the dorms. I brushed it off thinking it was because of finishing my freshman year, but now I realize that what I'm about it talk about was related to the depression and anxiety. There were many nights where I would be taking a shower and then suddenly freeze. Nothing was bothering me, but I knew there was something wrong. Finally I would come to my senses and get out of the hot water. It was weird, but I didn't think anything of it. I figured I was tired and my brain was stuffed with information. Another weird thing, and this sounds weird, was my eyes. I've always liked the color (green, NOT hazel, mom!!) and shape of my eyes, but I noticed they looked different when I took a selfies/SnapChats to send to friends. It startled me at first when I first noticed it, and I still notice it now. I finally figured out what the strange look was: empty. At the hospital where I work, I've interacted with patients who are depressed, and I see the same look in their eyes. Thankfully my depression isn't as severe as these patients, but the empty look scares me sometimes. I've gotten pretty good at faking that everything is all sunshine and butteries so it can be hard to notice this. *FYI: I would appreciate it if all you lovely people didn't get uncomfortably close and stare into my eyes...if you can resist the temptation :P* Anyways, I noticed these two weird "symptoms" before I put anything else together, but now it's reassuring to know that there's an actual real reason for all of this.

And there you have it: a peak at where I've been in the past and where I am now. Hopefully the next follow up post will have more positive vibes to it!

Thanks for reading and stay tuned,
Sarah

Where My Demons Hide: My New Battle

May 2015

Hello friends and blog followers! It's been quite a while since I last posted on here; I've been busy! Here's a quick update before we dive into this post:

I just finished a great first year of college! I am studying Dietetics and Child, Adult, & Family Services, and I absolutely love it. I've met some incredible people and learned a lot. It took me a while to adjust to living away from home, but I finally got the hang of it. I'm already excited for the Fall 2015 semester to start!
    I had the opportunity to go across the pond to England over spring break with my English class. I had so much fun! England has so many gluten-free options, and I didn't even get "glutened" on the trip. My class and I went to Exeter (southwest England), Dartmoor, and London. It was amazing to see all the famous landmarks that I've dreamed of seeing since I was little. This trip was very triumphant for me; I was able to prove to myself that my health can never hold me back from doing anything.

    I'm spending my summer working at a hospital as a Diet Clerk. I really enjoy my job, and I like the hospital environment. As morbid as it may sound, I feel so comfortable being in the hospital and around sick patients, doctors, and nurses.

So that's what I've been up to since my last post. Now to the actual reason why I'm posting. Most of you have read my previous posts and/or are familiar with my very long health history. Writing this blog was a therapeutic way to accept what was happened to me and learn to appreciate all the blessings that came from it. If anyone is reading my blog for the first time, a quick overview is: celiac disease diagnosis in 2011, gall bladder removed in 2011, trip to hell and back (a.k.a University of Iowa hospital) in 2012, hospitalized in 2012, diagnosed with IBS and gastroparesis in 2012, healthy in August of 2012, sick again in April of 2013, diagnosed with gastritis in 2013, and healthy again in September of 2013. That's a lot of time spent not feeling well, hanging out with doctors and nurses, tests and procedures, and a lot of health conditions to manage. A completely reasonable question to ask would be, how did you cope with all that?! All my strength and energy comes from God, and I put my trust and life in His hands all the time. God has blessed me with supportive family members and friends who have helped me survive. He has also given me the best medical team anyone could ask for. He has given my doctors and nurses wisdom and compassion to help me overcome and live with all that I have. Even though I do have four chronic digestive disorders, I feel well probably 80% of the time. So why am I posting on here again? What else could I possibly have? Well, it turns out my current health struggle isn't a physical struggle.

After spring break, I began to notice some unusual symptoms that I naturally matched up with what was going on in my life. Fatigue. College is exhausting, but I felt more fatigue than usual. I dismissed this as returning from the trip of a lifetime in England, taking organic chemistry, and heading towards the last month of freshman year. Joint pain and muscle aches. I was running up to four miles, but minor injuries over time caused me to not be able to run as far anymore. I had twisted my ankle running and didn't let the injury heal properly before running again. That caused minor knee problems. Once again, I didn't rest and got shin splints. Weight gain. With gastroparesis, I feel no hunger and I feel fullness quickly. Because of this, I don't really eat that much. Add in my very active lifestyle and you get a skinny girl. Nothing had changed with my diet or lifestyle but yet I was constantly gaining weight and my clothes weren't fitting the same. Constipation. I like to keep this blog as honest as possible so sorry if constipation isn't your favorite topic. Due to IBS and gastroparesis, I drink a good amount of Miralax every day, but I noticed that the amount of Miralax I drank was getting outrageously high, over 50 ounces a day. Mood swings and sadness. I easily dismissed this symptom as a result of the fatigue, not being able to run, and all the frustrations that come with college classes.  I was also experiencing a gastritis flare which made the fatigue even worse and my stomach hurt every time I ate. How did I handle all this while attending classes, keeping up with homework, and studying for finals? Once again....God.

When the semester ended and I was finally able to decompress at home, the symptoms seemed to get worse. Of course, who wouldn't be exhausted after their first year of college? Who wouldn't feel sad because they missed their friends from college? I kept telling myself that this was all normal, and there was nothing to worry about. Meanwhile, my mom was keeping track of the symptoms I had reported to her and was looking on the Mayo Clinic's website. All the symptoms in bold above matched perfectly with the symptoms for hypothyroidism--a condition where the thyroid gland doesn't produce enough hormones. I have been seeing an endocrinologist since the summer of 2011 when my first pediatric GI doctor did blood work to determine why I wasn't feeling better. My thyroid levels have been on the low side of normal but nothing to worry about. Hypothyroidism runs in my family and is common in people with autoimmune issues, such as celiac disease. I just so happened to have a check up with my endocrinologist coming up. I was starting to feel miserable. The fatigue and sadness were really bringing me down. I had lost interest in doing anything; I just wanted to lay in bed. The appointment finally arrived and I presented all my symptoms to my doctor, who ordered seven blood tests. My mom and I anxiously awaited these results. We had already self-diagnosed me with hypothyroidism and now we just waited for the blood work to confirm our diagnosis. The blood work came back the next day but was a major shocker. Everything was normal. No thyroid problems whatsoever. I immediately started to freak out because I figured there was another worse problem. WebMD came up with lupus, fibromyalgia, and the plague, just to name a few terrible diseases. My mom made an appointment for the next morning with one of the pediatricians who helped me when I was sick. My usual doctor, Dr. S., was on vacation but Dr. El., another great doctor in the same practice, could see me. I went to the appointment expecting a few hours of blood work, x-rays, and who knows what else. After all, lupus or fibromyalgia would probably be tricky to diagnosis. Dr. El. went over the blood work from the endocrinologist, asked a series of questions, and did a physical exam. When he said that he wasn't going to do any more blood work or tests, I didn't panic because he's so thorough that I knew I could trust him. Dr. El. then explained how the symptoms I had been having were also the same symptoms for low serotonin levels. Serotonin is a chemical in the brain that helps with moods/happiness. The more Dr. El. talked, the more and more I realized what I had been struggling with some mid-March. I finally realized the emotions I had been struggling with weren't normal. It wasn't normal to cry for no reason in your room for two hours. It wasn't normal for something totally random to make you burst into tears. It wasn't normal to feel so much anxiety that you can't breathe when someone doesn't text you back right away. While sitting in exam room with my mom and Dr. El., I finally felt relief. I couldn't stop the tears from coming. I wasn't crazy. There was nothing physically wrong with me. Dr. El. explained that depression and anxiety is very common in people with a history of GI issues and "responsible students". Dr. El. prescribed an antidepressant that is commonly used to treat depression and anxiety. He warned me that I could endure 7-10 days of feeling worse before I could feel better, and it might take anywhere from 2-6 weeks to start seeing a difference in how I felt. I'll skip the fascinating science of the medicine and get right to the main point: I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety on May 21, 2015. I am depressed.

The medicine is being a pain in the butt as it is making me feel worse. So far I've woken up with anxiety attacks twice, had anxiety attacks throughout the day multiple times, feel like crying more, lost my appetite, feel dark inside, and feel even more tired than before. These anxiety attacks are really starting to take their toll on me. Describing one of these moments is difficult to put into words. During an attack, I often feel very shaky, scared, and helpless. My stomach is instantly upset, and I feel like throwing up. It's hard to focus on anything, even though I try to force happy thoughts into my mind. Sometimes one of these attacks is brought on by a thought about the future, but most of the time it happens for no reason. It's always worse when I'm alone and don't have anyone to distract me or calm me down. Occasionally the feelings will fade as quickly as they were brought on, but other times some of the feelings stay with me for the rest of the day. Tomorrow marks one day on this tiny white pill that makes me miserable, and I can only pray that I will start to see some improvement soon.

I do not like the label of being "depressed". I prefer to call it chemically challenged because that is actually what is happening inside my brain. This depression and anxiety isn't my fault; it's basically a side effect of my digestive issues. I definitely do not like the social stigma that goes along with not just depression and anxiety but any other mental health issue. When you think about it, the only difference between depression and celiac disease (or any other disorder I have) is where in the body something isn't right and what it affects. Our society acts as if depression and anxiety are unspeakable when in reality it's common. I may not want to openly discuss this new health issue at the dinner table because it can be difficult to accept and understand let alone talk about it. However, I wanted to write this post for several reasons:
1) Therapeutic: as I said earlier, writing this blog really helped me recover mentally and emotionally from everything that happened to me with my health, and my hope is that writing this post will do the same.
2) Knowledge: I feel like I'm hiding a dark and dirty secret sometimes by not talking about this diagnosis. While I would prefer to not discuss it in depth in person, I do want to be 100% honest whenever I can be.
3) Awareness: depression and anxiety are more common than people think. Everyone has heard of it but knowing someone with it brings it closer to home.
4) Prayers: if you're reading this and feel inclined to do so, please pray for me. This is not going to be an easy battle to fight, and I definitely can't do it alone. I have seen nothing but support and love from my family and friends, and I am beyond grateful for that.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this,
Sarah