Invisible Illness & My Journey

June 2015

Hello friends!
 Not too much change here unfortunately. I'm now up to 20mg of my "happy pills". I've had some occasional bursts of energy in the past few days so I'm hoping the next couple days/weeks will be more positive than the last. If I can stay distracted and busy, the anxiety and sadness doesn't bother me as much. The increased dose is definitely affecting my ultra sensitive stomach. I don't have much of an appetite and my stomach hurts almost constantly. I've been using my previous techniques to help relieve this annoying side effect.

My main purpose for writing this post is to release some thoughts and feelings that have been going through my mind lately. If you see a picture of me, you would never guess that I have four chronic digestive disorders, depression, anxiety, and a touch of PTSD. A picture doesn't show that my small intestine can't absorb gluten or that my colon randomly pinches and gives me pain. You can't tell from a picture that the inside of my stomach is inflamed and I have low stomach acid. You also can't tell that my entire digestive track moves so slowly that I never feel hungry or that I don't have a gall bladder. You definitely can't tell from a picture that I have low serotonin levels in my brain. I have what is called an Invisible Illness, and multiple of them. Just because I look healthy and happy on the outside doesn't mean that's what is going on inside. A popular quote tells us not to judge others because we don't know what battle they are fighting. Since I've gotten sick, I've been more observant about this and am trying to be less judgmental of others. Just because these illnesses are invisible doesn't mean they can't be talked about. I'm a big fan of spreading awareness about my conditions. My motto is, "If you got it, flaunt it. No shame." There is no reason why I should hide what I've been through and what I struggle with now. I know writing this blog has been able to help others who are going through the same thing, and I'm beyond thankful that I have the opportunity to do this.  

Since all my health issues are invisible, it can be easy to be occupied with the present and not the past. It's been almost three years since I was finally healthy in August of 2012. A lot has happened in those three years. Yet there are daily reminders of my health journey everywhere. I have four scars on my stomach from my surgery, my mask from the surgery is hanging in my room, my artwork with prescription labels is also in my room, and I always sleep with my teddy bear dressed in scrubs. All these reminders are so familiar to me now. However, last week I was going through one of my dresser drawers when I found my collection of hospital bracelets with my name, age, DOB, and doctor's name on it. I was already having an emotional day, and this tipped me over the edge. My mom came upstairs to find me surrounded by these paper bracelets and sobbing. I felt like I had finally moved past everything that had happened to me and it all came rushing back. All these images flashed through my mind of me sitting in freezing cold hospital waiting rooms for a test that might give me an answer to what was wrong. I saw myself reading Harry Potter while dressed in nothing but a hospital gown waiting for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. I remembered when I got sick the second time around (after being healthy for eight months) and reading a book about British monarchs once again dressed in a hospital gown and waiting for my third endoscopy and second colonoscopy. It's no wonder why I feel I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Don't even get my started on the trip to hell and back when I went to see Dr. Satan in Iowa City. There are "triggers" that get my mind fixed on that nightmare, and I can't do anything to stop that. Don't get me wrong, there are a million positive blessings that came from my health journey, and I thank God for them all the time. Looking at the facts though, there are memories and aspects of my health journey that cause emotional distress when I dwell on them. I don't know what causes this or if it will ever go away, but I think of my health journey as an ever-present companion that I carry with me, for better and for worse.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

Follow Up: Where I've Been & Where I Am

June 2015

Hello again friends and blog followers! I've decided to write another post about my newly diagnosed depression and anxiety, not because it's a fun topic, but because writing allows me to express my thoughts and feelings in ways that I most likely wouldn't do in a conversation. Let's start with an update on how I'm doing as of today. I've been on my medication for three weeks tomorrow (Thursday). The dosage was increased on Monday. This medicine is semi-helpful. The need for massive amounts of Miralax has decreased and the pain from the gastritis flare up is gone! In my last post I mentioned how the medicine was giving me anxiety attacks. While these attacks still come, they don't last as long and aren't as frequent. I've even been able to distract myself when attack helps (usually by looking at pictures of those adorable Royal babies!) so I don't need to reach out. Unfortunately, the medicine is not helping with the fatigue, muscle aches, joint pains, and depression. My doctor increased the dosage in hopes that a higher dose will help with these remaining symptoms. I've gone to the gym every day for two weeks (I did skip a couple days and walked around the lake with my mom, but that still counts as a workout!), which helps energize me, stabilize my moods, and makes my muscles ache less.

Pedicures with mom

So how am I coping until the medicine starts fully working? To be 100% honest, it's the hardest thing I've had to do. I've been comparing this bout of illness with my previous run-ins with chronic illness. In the past, my health problem was physical. My stomach was upset. My body couldn't digest gluten anymore. My gall bladder was causing me pain. My abdomen hurt. My colon decided to be a pain in the butt (I'm cracking up at that pun by the way!). My stomach was inflamed and full of bile. All physical problems. During all of my previous health issues, I've "still had my brain", for lack of better wording. Even though those problems sucked, I was able to think clearly and choose to see the positive. With mental health issues, I don't have that ability. As much as I try and as much as it's pointed out to me, it's hard to see the bright side. It's all due to the chemical imbalance, not something that I can control. That adds an element of frustration to all this. I am BEYOND THANKFUL for all the family and friends who are supporting me and praying for me. As I said before, this is something I cannot fight alone, and I need every person who is willing to go at this with me. As always, my mom is extraordinary. She gets up at a very early time when I have to work in the mornings because my anxiety tends to be worse when I have to get up early. Being alone and in the dark also makes the depression and anxiety worse so my mom hangs out with me before I fall asleep. She's always doing fun things with me and nice things for me, and I'll never be able to thank her enough!

Awareness Art

   When I'm not working or interning, I try to stay as busy as possible in my free time. I do fun things with my mom and my best friend Elizabeth. I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy, scrapbooking, creating art projects, and reading the Harry Potter series for the fourth time. In my older posts I talked about bringing a Harry Potter book to the hospital and doctor's offices. The Boy Who Lived and his brilliant creator, J.K. Rowling, are successful again in transporting me to a different world. When I'm feeling anxious and/or sad, I pick up my book and my mind is taken away from the demons that are inside. Most of the time I'm so drop dead tired that I go back and forth between watching Grey's Anatomy and reading Harry Potter; I don't have much energy to do anything else.

Best therapist: cat and
Harry Potter!

So that's where I am now. Some days are better than others. Some days start off well but come crashing down later on. There's no way to predict or prepare for how a day will turn out. The only thing I can do is take each day step by step, lean on the support from family and friends, and trust in God.

Next I would like to share some interesting things I noticed before I was diagnosed, when I was still in college and living in the dorms. I brushed it off thinking it was because of finishing my freshman year, but now I realize that what I'm about it talk about was related to the depression and anxiety. There were many nights where I would be taking a shower and then suddenly freeze. Nothing was bothering me, but I knew there was something wrong. Finally I would come to my senses and get out of the hot water. It was weird, but I didn't think anything of it. I figured I was tired and my brain was stuffed with information. Another weird thing, and this sounds weird, was my eyes. I've always liked the color (green, NOT hazel, mom!!) and shape of my eyes, but I noticed they looked different when I took a selfies/SnapChats to send to friends. It startled me at first when I first noticed it, and I still notice it now. I finally figured out what the strange look was: empty. At the hospital where I work, I've interacted with patients who are depressed, and I see the same look in their eyes. Thankfully my depression isn't as severe as these patients, but the empty look scares me sometimes. I've gotten pretty good at faking that everything is all sunshine and butteries so it can be hard to notice this. *FYI: I would appreciate it if all you lovely people didn't get uncomfortably close and stare into my eyes...if you can resist the temptation :P* Anyways, I noticed these two weird "symptoms" before I put anything else together, but now it's reassuring to know that there's an actual real reason for all of this.

And there you have it: a peak at where I've been in the past and where I am now. Hopefully the next follow up post will have more positive vibes to it!

Thanks for reading and stay tuned,
Sarah