It Has Changed Me

January 2016

"He hasn't ruined you. You're living proof of that." 

"No, but he has changed me."

{Downton Abbey, season 6}

One of my New Years Resolutions was to "accept my flaws and weirdness". Yes, that's exactly what I wrote on my mom's cute chalkboard sign. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the interesting little quirks that I have and more importantly, why I have them. Doing this has lead me to realize that all the unique things that make me who I am have come from events in my past. Let's take a peak into the mind of Sarah, a college sophomore with celiac disease, IBS, gastroparesis, gastritis, hypoglycemia, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and myofascial pain syndrome (new diagnosis...woot!).

-My Physical Health Journey-
*I have an extreme intolerance to people who go gluten free to lose weight and "be healthy."
*I am a million times more compassionate towards people with illness and/or disabilities.
*I have found my true calling in life: to feed premature babies and help kids with digestive disorders.
*I am comforted by the smell of the soap in doctors offices because it reminds me of the pediatrician and pediatric GI doctor.
*I love hospitals. I could spend hours exploring hospitals and learning how they work.
*Being somewhere without food or medicine gives me a lot of anxiety.
*Any new symptom is immediately looked up online and turned into a new diagnosis.
*The Harry Potter series is so special to me because it gives me an escape.
*The hospital in Iowa City gives me immediate panic attacks; even talking about it makes me nervous.
*My heroes all have either M.D. or D.O. behind their names.
*I have a teddy bear named after my doctors, and it's one of my most prized possessions.
*Learning about the human body makes me happy.
*I cry through every children's hospital lip dub video on YouTube.
*I have no problem discussing bowel functions with anyone.
*Even though I've been managing chronic illness for five and a half years, I still get tired of it and miss the person I used to be.

-My Mental Health Journey-
*Roger, my emotional support animal, is my best friend. Mess with him, and I will end you. If you don't like him...I probably don't like you,
*Sometimes I want to cry, but I don't know why.
*Sometimes I feel very nervous for no reason.
*For KING & COUNTRY is so special to me because the lyrics to their songs describe my life perfectly, give me hope, and bring me joy when not much else can [It's Not Over Yet, Busted Heart, Sane, Priceless, Shoulders, Crave, and To The Dreamers].
*I have to protect myself and do what's best for me, even if it means cutting toxic people out of my life.
*I worry about having a panic attack in every situation.
*I really really really really really like hugs....like a lot.
*Even if you can't fix it, I still need love and support from you.
*Reading about the digestive tract calms me down because it's familiar.
*Sometimes I want to go out and be social, but then my social anxiety kicks in.
*My ideal Friday night includes watching a movie with my cat and coloring because I know I won't have a panic attack.
*While I don't have an official diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I do struggle with aspects of PTSD. I have a lot of triggers that take me back to dark places in my past. When this happens, it's hard for me to remember that I'm in the present. I've tried multiple tricks but can never seem to knock this one out. What I need most is support and sympathy during those moments. Sometimes I just need to text my mom and tell her that I'm having flashbacks and then she has some great motherly advice that makes me feel better. Sometimes I just need a hug.
*I struggle with what I'm worth. Living with nine chronic illnesses is definitely very time consuming and as you've read, a big part in who I am today. It's easy for me to think that no man in his right mind would ever want to date, and eventually marry, me. Sometimes I feel very flawed and unaccepted. A lot of this stems from anxiety, as it can twist your brain into believe things that aren't true. I've had encounters with the male species in the past that have not ended well. Both of these losers ended up making me feel like I was nothing more than a person who they could disrespect and dishonor. These two have learned the hard way that I am no such person. However, I went through a bad phase where I didn't consider myself to be anyone special. I figured I was unlovable and just attracted all the losers and cowards and creeps in the world. Then (get ready to go full circle) my mom surprised me with tickets to a concert for my birthday in August. We got to see For KING & COUNTRY at our state fair. I had heard their music (and accents!), and really enjoyed listening to them and the lyrics of their songs. I was completely surprised when they gave their famous "priceless speech" which starts off my saying (and yes I have it memorized): "Girls...don't let any man disrespect your relationship and never settle for second best." It goes on to say that they believe that girls should be treated with "respect and honor" and like princesses. Throw "we believe there's a God who knows you're priceless" in there and I'm in tears. Ever since then I have slowly started to believe and build on the idea that I am priceless, and one of these days God is going to send along someone who believes the same thing. The two guys mentioned above didn't respect or honor me, and they definitely didn't treat me like I was priceless. Instead of me doubting what I'm worth, they should be the ones who feel like crap on the inside. Now I can finally say that I am at a place where I love myself. There's definitely aspects about me that I'm not thrilled about, but slowly and surely I am starting to accept myself and love myself for who I am.

"I love the person I am because I fought to become her."

"Mirror mirror, mirror on the wall/telling those lies/pointing out your flaws/that isn't who you are/it might be hard to hear but let me tell you dear/if you could see what I can see/I know you would believe that isn't who you are/there's more to who you are. So when it's late/you're wide awake/too much to take/don't you dare forget that in the pain/you can be brave/and safe.

I see you dressed in white/every wrong made right/I see a rose in bloom at the site of you/OH SO PRICELESS/irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable/darling it's beautiful/I see it all in you/OH SO PRICELESS."-Priceless by For KING & Country 

Forever The Hope In My Heart

Happy New Year! I hope your troubles last as long as your New Year's Resolutions...just kidding! I hope your troubles last as long as the average resolutions and you destroy your own resolutions. It's been a while since I've come up with something on this blog so I figured Christmas break was a good time to do so, especially since my last post wasn't exactly positive.

The semester is over, praise God, and I did great on my finals. I've been enjoying relaxing at home, working, and going to see family for Christmas and New Years. Today's topic is about moving on. This is a tricky one, but a new year is a new chance to forget and past and push towards the future. Those who know me will know that I have a very hard time moving on. I hold grudges, that's definitely not a secret. One of my resolutions this year has been to stop living in the past. You can read a million quotes on Pinterest about moving on, but it's way easier said than done. Due to how my wonky brain works, I tend to re-live or have what I call flashbacks about not so pleasant things in my past. This usually leaves me very upset and sleep-less. I can't stop the thoughts that come into my brain, but I can stop myself from dwelling on those thoughts. While not dwelling on the past is something that I would love to do, I've never been able to actually do it. Well not until New Year's Eve that is.

I was driving home from work on New Year's Eve and listening to my driving playlist. There is a song called "Scandal of Grace" by Hillsong United that I have sang multiple times at The Salt Company at school. This song had been coming up on my playlist a lot lately; I usually skipped it because the melody is kind of slow but coincidentally, I have been out of skips on Spotify every time this song comes on. Since I've been "forced" to listen to, the lyrics started to stick out to me more:

Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that cross
Accused in absence of wrong
My sin washed away in Your blood
Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
And mercy, my heart now to sing
The day and its trouble shall come
I know that Your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
And it's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of Your love that my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

Nice lyrics right? There's no human explanation for what happened on New Year's Eve, but while listening to this song, it all suddenly made sense. Why on earth am I re-living the past? Jesus' love and grace has washed all of that away. Yes, a lot of bad things happened in 2015. I definitely didn't praise God when He deserved praise. I said things to people that were not very nice. I lost two friendships. I had suicidal thoughts. At times I was a very evil person, but grace and forgiveness washes all those things away! Of course, God's grace doesn't mean we can all run around saying and doing whatever we please. His grace catches us when we know we've messed up and we feel awful about it.

So instead of constantly playing over scenes of dark times or reading through old messages, I'm going to live in the grace that God has given me. To God, every day is like January 1st. His love, grace, and mercy will never run out or give up on us. No matter what our pasts include, God gives us a fresh start and a clean slate all the time. Why focus on so much bad in the past when there is this beautiful and incredible gift of grace that God has given us?! The concept of having an unlimited number of "second chances" gives me so much hope. That's why I titled this blog after one of the key phrases in the song: forever the hope in my heart. Everything that makes up God: His love, power, justice, mercy, and forgiveness should give us hope.

 I want to make 2016 a year of new beginnings, new friendships, new loves, new discoveries, and new experiences. I also want to work towards accepting and loving myself. I definitely have a lot of weirdness and flaws, but guess what? The Creator of the universe loves and accepts me just the way I am!

Have a great 2016 and always remember that writing down your experiences is very healing and therapeutic :)

Thanks for reading, you lovely human being!
Sarah

Living That Chronic Illness Life

August 2015

Well my friends, I think this is going to be as good as it gets. From what I've read, there is no magical cure for depression and anxiety. It's something you have to manage. Hmmmm...does that sounds familiar to you? Celiac disease. No cure; manage it with your diet. IBS. No cure but meds to take the pain away; you still have to manage all the lovely side effects. Gastroparesis. Definitely no cure; eat smaller meals to manage it. Gastritis. No cure; manage it by taking pills to reduce acid. Depression and anxiety; no cure but be observant to what makes you worse, take medication, and try a slew of natural remedies. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). No cure; learn how to avoid your triggers for management. Notice a theme? I think sometimes we focus too much on getting rid of the problem. However, some things in life we can't just get rid of. Realizing that every single day I manage the symptoms of seven chronic illnesses, it's no wonder that I'm so exhausted in the evenings. I read in one of my "self-help books" about how much energy a person uses fighting illness. Managing chronic illness is exhausting. What gives me comfort is that my body is used to managing things that aren't right in my body. Recently, I've had very good days! I don't burst into tears over nothing, and I haven't been too anxious to leave my house. There are still "bad" moments though, especially at night. Is that any different from managing IBS? I've had good days where my digestion agrees with me and then bad days where I swear I can literally feel my colon clamping down. A huge blessing that has come from my health journey is my body's ability to cope and manage. That's why I love this quote so much:

 

I know I can survive anything. I've often given myself this pep talk before. I'll say to myself, 'if you've had your stomach cut open and your gall bladder removed, you can take this organic chemistry test.'

 

One thing I want to make clear is to never let what you manage control your life and who you are. I drug two containers of Miralax and extra prescription medicines across the ocean to England. Nothing is ever going to stand in my way. Not my health, my medicines, my restricted diet, or my past is going to keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. This determination combined with the ability to survive anything is pure power, and it isn't just for me. No matter what you've been through or what's happened to you, you have the ability and skill to survive. Even if you don't feel like it, I can promise you it's there.

(or man!)

 

So embrace yourself! Even if it seems like nothing is going your way, your situation now is preparing you for the future. Life is going to take unexpected turns, but you will always have what you need to survive. Just stay positive. I could easily complain about how much I hate my life (which I do sometimes, when I'm having a bad day), but every day I have a choice to either stay inside and take pills or bring my pills with me because I'm managing these chronic illnesses and I'm still out there swinging. There came a time when I finally accepted my health journey. It look a long time, and there are still aspects of my health journey that I want to fight, but it's in the past and I've become a stronger person because of it. Eventually I will accept my mental health diagnosis as well, and I'll become accustomed to managing the symptoms, just like I've had to do in the past. The key is recognizing what you have to manage and coming up with ways to manage it.

 

All of what I just said is easier said than done. Some days I feel very overwhelmed with everything that I have to do to manage my chronic illnesses. Other days it's a breeze. It all goes back to managing. Not every day is going to be perfect or the same as the day before. I try to take one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I put my trust in God because I know He has a plan for me so huge that I can't even imagine it tonight. I know that God has planned every minute of every day, every tear, and every diagnosis. I know He is with me all the time and loves me very much. I know that God has a reason for why I live with seven chronic medical conditions and His reasoning will always work out for the good. This faith in God is what brings me peace about my health and the future. With God on my side, the ability to survive anything, and a huge dose of determination, I know the possibilities are endless.  

 







When The Meds Don't Work And You Have To Try Again

July 2015

Hi friends, family, and followers! I've been doing alright, maybe even a little bit better. I stopped taking my medicine for depression and anxiety and instead increased the low dose antidepressant I have been taking for IBS. I've had three very good days, which are like bright rays of sunshine. I've had lots of thoughts on my mind lately, and thought I would share them here.

 Self-help books are amazing. It's okay if you feel weird in the mental health section of the library and pray that you don't see anyone you know. I've checked out 10 books about depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. My doctor has mentioned how he thinks talking with a therapist would help me. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, that route is not for me. I felt very empowered with my stack of books and notebook that I take notes in. When I'm having a rough day, reading these books isn't a good idea and I'm better off reading Harry Potter. On days when I'm doing okay, I take immense comfort in the power of knowledge. Maybe it's the science-minded nerd that I am, but I feel so much better knowing how mental health issues happen and why these issues cause the symptoms that they do. The self-help books have also given me good tips to help manage these issues and help me feel like I'm in control. If anyone reading this is and is struggling with a health problem, I strongly suggest finding books to help explain your condition to you. Knowledge is power!

It's okay to feel the things we feel and accept those feelings. A lot of the books I've been reading have emphasized this a lot. It's important that we recognize feelings and accept them. By doing this, we can remember what caused these feelings. If these feelings aren't positive (called triggers), we can remember what caused the feelings and try our best to avoid them. For example, too much noise and stimulation gives me a lot of anxiety so I avoid places/situations that have this effect on me. Even something has simple has pausing the TV while the water in the tea pot is boiling helps me a lot. I've been able to use ear plugs at home when there is a lot of commotion in the house. At the same time, no noise at all makes me uncomfortable and takes me into my "dark place." So if I'm home alone, I watch TV or go workout until someone else is home and I feel comfortable reading.

Reaching out is so important. I've lost track of the times I've excited my mom or a close friend during an anxiety attack. I have also called my mom in a public bathroom stall during an attack. While it's not the same as being with someone else, talking it out can definitely help. There is NO SHAME in this. Reaching out, asking for prayers, or just telling someone of your struggles is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength: you know you can't do this on your own and you need help. If anyone treats you differently or doesn't support you, get rid of them instantly.

Never underestimate the power of our five senses. Two of the books I read was about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As I've said before, I believe I have PTSD. These books highlighted the role that the five senses (sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing) play a huge role in PTSD. I've experienced this in a negative way: the sight of the hospital in Iowa City sends me into a panic attack; the taste of applesauce and jello reminds me of how much I ate those foods when I was sick. I'll skip the fascinating science behind this, but if you're interested, check out Recovering From Trauma and PTSD and The Everything Guide to Overcoming PTSD. These senses are so powerful when it comes to bringing back bad memories, but I've been blessed to have these senses contribute to bringing me out of an anxiety attack and calming me down: the hospital that I work at uses the same soap that my pediatricians and pediatric GI doctor use. When I randomly smelled my hands at work one day, I immediately felt a calm and peaceful vibe come over me. I didn't put it together until later on in the day, but the smell of that soap reminds me of my doctors. I spent a lot of time with these guys, and what do doctors always do when they see a patient? Wash their hands. My brain associates the smell of that soap with the feeling of peace and safety that those doctors gave me. Whenever I was with them, I felt well cared for. I've been "stealing" this soap from the bathrooms in the hospital and smell it whenever I'm feeling anxious. Sure enough, it works. Every. Single. Time. Now, of course, what kind of sick and messed up person gets comfort from the smell of doctors? I do! Depending on the day, I either burst out laughing or into tears when I have to smell my soap because it is a little strange, but if it works I don't care how crazy it seems!

I'm learning that living with mental health issues is a struggle, especially when the medicine isn't working fast enough, but the burden of living with these issues can be lessened by learning how to cope with these issues in a way that works for you.

Again, thanks for reading! Hopefully these posts are sounding more positive!

Sarah :)

Blessing In The Battle

July 2015

I'm not going to sugar coat anything: as of tonight, I am not doing well. I feel as if the depression has reached an all time low. The medicine my doctor was very confident in didn't work. While there has been a slight decrease in my symptoms, it was never consistent. As of tonight, I am weaning off that medicine and trying something new tomorrow. Today was a really bad day. I'll spare the depressing details but say that I found myself wishing none of this had ever happened. My pediatrician is at the same hospital and office building where my health story took place. Normally this doesn't bother me. In a weird way, I enjoy going to that hospital. It's pretty much my second home, and who doesn't like going home? I have good memories of when I brought cookies to all my doctors and nurses. I still laugh when I think about some of the funny antics of the staff there. However today was different. I was very anxious the entire time there. I kept having PTSD-like flashbacks to the countless times I went into that building sick and hopeless. Suddenly all those happy memories were gone and replaced by dark memories that make me want to run out of the building. That my friends, is what depression does to you. Wishing that it never happened to me won't do anything. It happened. Now I have to live with it. So instead of dwelling on the bad memories and experiences, I wanted to write a post to help me focus on the good memories and blessings that came from my health journey:

*My pediatrician, Dr. S., telling me that it was safe for me to ride all the rides I wanted to at Universal Studios when I had mono
*The percent of people who have died from C.diff is growing, but C.diff didn't kill me
*My first pediatric GI doctor, Dr. D.S., was a quirky little guy with a different personality that always made me laugh
*Going gluten-free and dairy-free has forced me to eat healthier (NOT a reason for going gluten-free though!)
*When Dr. D.S. ran out of ideas, he referred me to an incredible doctor
*This doctor, Dr. Di, gave me a feeling of peace and contentment after the first appointment that I had never felt before when leaving a doctor's office...and called my mom on Labor Day to check on me
*I was tested for Crohn's disease and cancer; both were negative
*Dr. Di's nurse, Nurse J., was easily reached and immediately on it when my mom called saying that I had pain under my right side
*Dr. Di referred me to a great surgeon, Dr. R.
*This surgeon, with his dress pants and scrubs, took my gall bladder out flawlessly and improved my quality of life

*Month by month, my level of nausea dropped, which also improved my quality of life
*Harry Potter is the best distraction
*I truly learned the value of good doctors in January 2012
*Dr. S. came to my rescue when my colon was impacted
*The floor I was hospitalized on was so bright and clean
*Dr. Di was my doctor again and put me on the right medicine that gave me back my life
*I was finally able to deliver my cookie platters and thank my heroes
*I was able to make the Build-A-Bear that I had been dreaming of
*Dr. Di correctly diagnosed and treated me when my stomach problems returned
*Throughout my journey, my faith in God grew tremendously
*I have a great relationship with my mom
*I have a cat who knows exactly when to comfort me
*I have family members across the country who prayed for me
*I have my best friend, Elizabeth, who is always there for me
*I have a sister-in-law who understands me so well and is always encouraging
*My health problems have lead me down the career path that I already love
*Being gluten-free has introduced me to two of my best friends
*My health care team is amazing; they're like family to me











"All our sickness, all our sorrow
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still
Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to pain
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed." 

Invisible Illness & My Journey

June 2015

Hello friends!
 Not too much change here unfortunately. I'm now up to 20mg of my "happy pills". I've had some occasional bursts of energy in the past few days so I'm hoping the next couple days/weeks will be more positive than the last. If I can stay distracted and busy, the anxiety and sadness doesn't bother me as much. The increased dose is definitely affecting my ultra sensitive stomach. I don't have much of an appetite and my stomach hurts almost constantly. I've been using my previous techniques to help relieve this annoying side effect.

My main purpose for writing this post is to release some thoughts and feelings that have been going through my mind lately. If you see a picture of me, you would never guess that I have four chronic digestive disorders, depression, anxiety, and a touch of PTSD. A picture doesn't show that my small intestine can't absorb gluten or that my colon randomly pinches and gives me pain. You can't tell from a picture that the inside of my stomach is inflamed and I have low stomach acid. You also can't tell that my entire digestive track moves so slowly that I never feel hungry or that I don't have a gall bladder. You definitely can't tell from a picture that I have low serotonin levels in my brain. I have what is called an Invisible Illness, and multiple of them. Just because I look healthy and happy on the outside doesn't mean that's what is going on inside. A popular quote tells us not to judge others because we don't know what battle they are fighting. Since I've gotten sick, I've been more observant about this and am trying to be less judgmental of others. Just because these illnesses are invisible doesn't mean they can't be talked about. I'm a big fan of spreading awareness about my conditions. My motto is, "If you got it, flaunt it. No shame." There is no reason why I should hide what I've been through and what I struggle with now. I know writing this blog has been able to help others who are going through the same thing, and I'm beyond thankful that I have the opportunity to do this.  

Since all my health issues are invisible, it can be easy to be occupied with the present and not the past. It's been almost three years since I was finally healthy in August of 2012. A lot has happened in those three years. Yet there are daily reminders of my health journey everywhere. I have four scars on my stomach from my surgery, my mask from the surgery is hanging in my room, my artwork with prescription labels is also in my room, and I always sleep with my teddy bear dressed in scrubs. All these reminders are so familiar to me now. However, last week I was going through one of my dresser drawers when I found my collection of hospital bracelets with my name, age, DOB, and doctor's name on it. I was already having an emotional day, and this tipped me over the edge. My mom came upstairs to find me surrounded by these paper bracelets and sobbing. I felt like I had finally moved past everything that had happened to me and it all came rushing back. All these images flashed through my mind of me sitting in freezing cold hospital waiting rooms for a test that might give me an answer to what was wrong. I saw myself reading Harry Potter while dressed in nothing but a hospital gown waiting for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. I remembered when I got sick the second time around (after being healthy for eight months) and reading a book about British monarchs once again dressed in a hospital gown and waiting for my third endoscopy and second colonoscopy. It's no wonder why I feel I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Don't even get my started on the trip to hell and back when I went to see Dr. Satan in Iowa City. There are "triggers" that get my mind fixed on that nightmare, and I can't do anything to stop that. Don't get me wrong, there are a million positive blessings that came from my health journey, and I thank God for them all the time. Looking at the facts though, there are memories and aspects of my health journey that cause emotional distress when I dwell on them. I don't know what causes this or if it will ever go away, but I think of my health journey as an ever-present companion that I carry with me, for better and for worse.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah

Follow Up: Where I've Been & Where I Am

June 2015

Hello again friends and blog followers! I've decided to write another post about my newly diagnosed depression and anxiety, not because it's a fun topic, but because writing allows me to express my thoughts and feelings in ways that I most likely wouldn't do in a conversation. Let's start with an update on how I'm doing as of today. I've been on my medication for three weeks tomorrow (Thursday). The dosage was increased on Monday. This medicine is semi-helpful. The need for massive amounts of Miralax has decreased and the pain from the gastritis flare up is gone! In my last post I mentioned how the medicine was giving me anxiety attacks. While these attacks still come, they don't last as long and aren't as frequent. I've even been able to distract myself when attack helps (usually by looking at pictures of those adorable Royal babies!) so I don't need to reach out. Unfortunately, the medicine is not helping with the fatigue, muscle aches, joint pains, and depression. My doctor increased the dosage in hopes that a higher dose will help with these remaining symptoms. I've gone to the gym every day for two weeks (I did skip a couple days and walked around the lake with my mom, but that still counts as a workout!), which helps energize me, stabilize my moods, and makes my muscles ache less.

Pedicures with mom

So how am I coping until the medicine starts fully working? To be 100% honest, it's the hardest thing I've had to do. I've been comparing this bout of illness with my previous run-ins with chronic illness. In the past, my health problem was physical. My stomach was upset. My body couldn't digest gluten anymore. My gall bladder was causing me pain. My abdomen hurt. My colon decided to be a pain in the butt (I'm cracking up at that pun by the way!). My stomach was inflamed and full of bile. All physical problems. During all of my previous health issues, I've "still had my brain", for lack of better wording. Even though those problems sucked, I was able to think clearly and choose to see the positive. With mental health issues, I don't have that ability. As much as I try and as much as it's pointed out to me, it's hard to see the bright side. It's all due to the chemical imbalance, not something that I can control. That adds an element of frustration to all this. I am BEYOND THANKFUL for all the family and friends who are supporting me and praying for me. As I said before, this is something I cannot fight alone, and I need every person who is willing to go at this with me. As always, my mom is extraordinary. She gets up at a very early time when I have to work in the mornings because my anxiety tends to be worse when I have to get up early. Being alone and in the dark also makes the depression and anxiety worse so my mom hangs out with me before I fall asleep. She's always doing fun things with me and nice things for me, and I'll never be able to thank her enough!

Awareness Art

   When I'm not working or interning, I try to stay as busy as possible in my free time. I do fun things with my mom and my best friend Elizabeth. I'm re-watching Grey's Anatomy, scrapbooking, creating art projects, and reading the Harry Potter series for the fourth time. In my older posts I talked about bringing a Harry Potter book to the hospital and doctor's offices. The Boy Who Lived and his brilliant creator, J.K. Rowling, are successful again in transporting me to a different world. When I'm feeling anxious and/or sad, I pick up my book and my mind is taken away from the demons that are inside. Most of the time I'm so drop dead tired that I go back and forth between watching Grey's Anatomy and reading Harry Potter; I don't have much energy to do anything else.

Best therapist: cat and
Harry Potter!

So that's where I am now. Some days are better than others. Some days start off well but come crashing down later on. There's no way to predict or prepare for how a day will turn out. The only thing I can do is take each day step by step, lean on the support from family and friends, and trust in God.

Next I would like to share some interesting things I noticed before I was diagnosed, when I was still in college and living in the dorms. I brushed it off thinking it was because of finishing my freshman year, but now I realize that what I'm about it talk about was related to the depression and anxiety. There were many nights where I would be taking a shower and then suddenly freeze. Nothing was bothering me, but I knew there was something wrong. Finally I would come to my senses and get out of the hot water. It was weird, but I didn't think anything of it. I figured I was tired and my brain was stuffed with information. Another weird thing, and this sounds weird, was my eyes. I've always liked the color (green, NOT hazel, mom!!) and shape of my eyes, but I noticed they looked different when I took a selfies/SnapChats to send to friends. It startled me at first when I first noticed it, and I still notice it now. I finally figured out what the strange look was: empty. At the hospital where I work, I've interacted with patients who are depressed, and I see the same look in their eyes. Thankfully my depression isn't as severe as these patients, but the empty look scares me sometimes. I've gotten pretty good at faking that everything is all sunshine and butteries so it can be hard to notice this. *FYI: I would appreciate it if all you lovely people didn't get uncomfortably close and stare into my eyes...if you can resist the temptation :P* Anyways, I noticed these two weird "symptoms" before I put anything else together, but now it's reassuring to know that there's an actual real reason for all of this.

And there you have it: a peak at where I've been in the past and where I am now. Hopefully the next follow up post will have more positive vibes to it!

Thanks for reading and stay tuned,
Sarah