All I Want Is Freedom

March 2016

"All I want is freedom...a day with no more night." These words are sang beautifully in the song All I Ask of You in Andrew Lloyd Weber's musical, Phantom of the Opera. My family has always loved this musical; my brother and his wife danced to his song at their wedding; I recently discovered a connection with this song while playing it on my piano over spring break. Ideally, this song is sang by a young woman sharing her love to her sweetheart. Gag. Yeah, it would be nice to have a sweetheart to sing sweet lyrics to, but that's not happening anytime soon so I looked at the lyrics, especially the lyric quoted above, as a way to express something that has been happening frequently with me: panic attacks.

Panic Attacks
Google defines panic attack as a "sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety." Google definitely nailed this one. I would describe a panic attack as what you feel when you're home all alone and hear a door shut upstairs. However, much more intense and lasts longer. Each person is different, but since I'm pretty much an open book, I'll describe my symptoms for you:

• Intense fear 
• Inability to breathe normally or at all
• Shaking
• Racing heart
• All my muscles tense
• Inability to swallow or talk
• No sense of control of anything
• Inability to move
• Crying

Sounds like a blast right? If I wasn't so used to panic attacks, I would probably think I was dying. In October, I was diagnosed with panic disorder by a counselor. I knew I had been having panic attacks since the summer, but having another diagnosis wasn't encouraging. I try not to keep track of how many panic attacks I have, but I've been having more than I ever had in the past month and a half. 

Why?

Again, each person is different. All of my panic attacks have been triggered by something. This something can be seeing a person or place with a bad memory, smelling something, tasting something, seeing a picture of someone or a picture of someone who looks like somebody else, memories, etc. While it definitely sucks, I know of people who have panic attacks and have no idea why. At least with me, I can try my very best to avoid situations and/or people that could possibly trigger a panic attack. I don't understand a lot about the brain, but I do know that different parts of our brain react and remember things. So while I fully know that I am in no danger when I have a bad memory or see a picture of someone who looks like somebody else, my brain tells me the opposite (thanks brain). I don't think I've ever had a panic attack triggered by my health journey (see other blogs), with the exception of Dr. Satan in Iowa City. All of my triggers come from my freshman year of college and last semester. I'll spare both of us the probably-panic-attack-inducing details, but I want to reassure you that I am safe place now and am slllllloooowwwwllllyyy working towards being in a healthier mental place as well :)

Panic Attack Coping 101

Roger Gene

I'm still pretty new at this whole panic attack life so I'm still learning how I cope best. I got through the vast majority of panic attacks on my own  by the power of God, but lately I've been blessed with people who have been able to come to me and help me out. Whether it's my mom, my best friend Ellen, or a woman who works with the campus ministry at my college, these people have been there almost every time. Trying to remember to breathe on your own is pretty hard so having someone to lean on always helps. And of course, there's always my Roger. Roger is my beloved emotional support animal. During a recent attack, I couldn't breathe until my mom laid him in my arms. Even touching him during an attack helps. If I'm not with Roger, I will look at the 400+ pictures of him I have on my phone, and that also helps. Music is another powerful aide. During one attack when I was on my own, I listed to the song Shoulders by my favorite band, For KING & COUNTRY over and over again until I felt better. Recovering from panic attacks is also a challenge. I always feel very disorientated, guilty, emotional, sore, and dead tired. Coloring really helps me focus on something else while my body is transitioning back into a normal state. I always listen to my For KING & COUNTRY playlist, which has been a lifeline in so many situations, to help settle my mind and spirit. I'm a big believer in aromatherapy. I've mentioned in previous blogs about smelling the soap that my two favorite doctors use, and recently I discovered the calming properties of lavender essential oil (side note: if anyone is interested in essential oils, my sister-in-law is a freaking genius and has her own essential oil business; she will be able to help you!). Smelling these two scents has been able to help calm me when I'm anxious as well as recover after a panic attack. Going back to triggers, I can never predict when I'm going to see/hear/taste/smell something that will trigger an attack. However, lately I've been able to stop four panic attacks before they've happened! I may not feel like I'm making any progress but that is pretty huge! I can usually sense an attack coming if I've been having lots of bad memories/flashbacks all day. When I start to feel anxious and have trouble breathing, I do lots of things. I put my earbuds and my trusty For KING & COUNTRY playlist in. I start praying. I smell my doctor soap and spray my lavender essential oil on myself. I look at pictures of Roger. I reach out to others through text message or if I'm with someone I tell them what's going on (if they're one of the blessings God has put in my life).

What Can You Do?

Ah yes. A very few select people have been with me when I'm having a panic attack. Three to be exact. This is pure pride talking, but I don't want people to see me in the state I'm in when I'm having a panic attack. Unless you're one of these three Godly women, you would probably think I'm dying if you saw me having a panic attack. I'm sure it's incredibly difficult to know what to do in a situation like mine. The people who have been with me have all done the same things:

• They pray with me
• They hold me
• They speak the truth
• They don't panic (or at least don't show it!)
• They understand
• They encourage me and don't belittle me

The support and love these women have showed me during what I would call the worst moments of my life has been an incredible thing to witness. One time I was having a panic attack in a bathroom on campus. I texted one of my friends and she immediately called me. Of course I didn't want to pick up because I was embarrassed (hello again pride) but I did, and I discovered that I actually recovered faster because talking forced me to breathe. I'll never be able to tell these people how grateful I am for their presence during these moments.  I've also been blessed with friends who know what I just experienced and offer comfort while recovering. I really like hugs. Like I really really enjoy hugging. It's just wonderful. After every attack that's happened recently, there have been people around to hug me. At home it was my mom (and she hugs me a lot; I love it), but at school it's been my amazing friends. Even though it's hard to admit to people that I'm struggling, the understanding, compassion, support, and love from my friends are so rewarding. 

What Now?

Like with everything else related to my health, I have NO idea how long I'll be having panic attacks, and I don't like to think about it. One time during an attack, my mom told me this: "take it one second at a time." That's been my motto with life in general ever since. I never want to be that person who doesn't do anything because there's a possibility that she could have a panic attack. I've been that person before, and I don't like her. That's not who I am. Yes, bad things have happened to me. Yes, these things have obviously left a mark on me, mentally. Am I still a full time college student? Yes. Am I still studying hard to be a pediatric dietitian? Yes. Am I still a child of God, deeply loved and cherished by Him? Yes. No matter what happens to me, nothing will change that. My identity isn't found in what has happened to me, and it isn't found in my panic attacks. Satan wants me to believe that because I have panic attacks, I'm not a good enough Christian. There was a time after an attack when I believed that. I thought maybe I didn't pray enough or try hard enough. When I voiced my concern to a friend, my friend helped me realize that none of that was true! My friend told me to rest in Jesus and what He has already done. 

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present of the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 8:38-39

The thing that I love about the verse above is I can identify with every possible thing that could separate me from God. Literally, everything! The great thing is that NONE of it ever will separate me from my Heavenly Father.

The purpose of writing this post was to

 1) inform and educate others on panic attacks

 2) share a bit of my story, which ultimately brings more healing to me and hopefully more understanding the hurricane that is my world :P

3) to help stop the stigma associated with panic attack and other mental health disorders. 

Like I said earlier, this demon doesn't identify me or change who I am and it certainly won't separate me from the love and grace of God.

It's Not Over Yet.

It Has Changed Me

January 2016

"He hasn't ruined you. You're living proof of that." 

"No, but he has changed me."

{Downton Abbey, season 6}

One of my New Years Resolutions was to "accept my flaws and weirdness". Yes, that's exactly what I wrote on my mom's cute chalkboard sign. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the interesting little quirks that I have and more importantly, why I have them. Doing this has lead me to realize that all the unique things that make me who I am have come from events in my past. Let's take a peak into the mind of Sarah, a college sophomore with celiac disease, IBS, gastroparesis, gastritis, hypoglycemia, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and myofascial pain syndrome (new diagnosis...woot!).

-My Physical Health Journey-
*I have an extreme intolerance to people who go gluten free to lose weight and "be healthy."
*I am a million times more compassionate towards people with illness and/or disabilities.
*I have found my true calling in life: to feed premature babies and help kids with digestive disorders.
*I am comforted by the smell of the soap in doctors offices because it reminds me of the pediatrician and pediatric GI doctor.
*I love hospitals. I could spend hours exploring hospitals and learning how they work.
*Being somewhere without food or medicine gives me a lot of anxiety.
*Any new symptom is immediately looked up online and turned into a new diagnosis.
*The Harry Potter series is so special to me because it gives me an escape.
*The hospital in Iowa City gives me immediate panic attacks; even talking about it makes me nervous.
*My heroes all have either M.D. or D.O. behind their names.
*I have a teddy bear named after my doctors, and it's one of my most prized possessions.
*Learning about the human body makes me happy.
*I cry through every children's hospital lip dub video on YouTube.
*I have no problem discussing bowel functions with anyone.
*Even though I've been managing chronic illness for five and a half years, I still get tired of it and miss the person I used to be.

-My Mental Health Journey-
*Roger, my emotional support animal, is my best friend. Mess with him, and I will end you. If you don't like him...I probably don't like you,
*Sometimes I want to cry, but I don't know why.
*Sometimes I feel very nervous for no reason.
*For KING & COUNTRY is so special to me because the lyrics to their songs describe my life perfectly, give me hope, and bring me joy when not much else can [It's Not Over Yet, Busted Heart, Sane, Priceless, Shoulders, Crave, and To The Dreamers].
*I have to protect myself and do what's best for me, even if it means cutting toxic people out of my life.
*I worry about having a panic attack in every situation.
*I really really really really really like hugs....like a lot.
*Even if you can't fix it, I still need love and support from you.
*Reading about the digestive tract calms me down because it's familiar.
*Sometimes I want to go out and be social, but then my social anxiety kicks in.
*My ideal Friday night includes watching a movie with my cat and coloring because I know I won't have a panic attack.
*While I don't have an official diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I do struggle with aspects of PTSD. I have a lot of triggers that take me back to dark places in my past. When this happens, it's hard for me to remember that I'm in the present. I've tried multiple tricks but can never seem to knock this one out. What I need most is support and sympathy during those moments. Sometimes I just need to text my mom and tell her that I'm having flashbacks and then she has some great motherly advice that makes me feel better. Sometimes I just need a hug.
*I struggle with what I'm worth. Living with nine chronic illnesses is definitely very time consuming and as you've read, a big part in who I am today. It's easy for me to think that no man in his right mind would ever want to date, and eventually marry, me. Sometimes I feel very flawed and unaccepted. A lot of this stems from anxiety, as it can twist your brain into believe things that aren't true. I've had encounters with the male species in the past that have not ended well. Both of these losers ended up making me feel like I was nothing more than a person who they could disrespect and dishonor. These two have learned the hard way that I am no such person. However, I went through a bad phase where I didn't consider myself to be anyone special. I figured I was unlovable and just attracted all the losers and cowards and creeps in the world. Then (get ready to go full circle) my mom surprised me with tickets to a concert for my birthday in August. We got to see For KING & COUNTRY at our state fair. I had heard their music (and accents!), and really enjoyed listening to them and the lyrics of their songs. I was completely surprised when they gave their famous "priceless speech" which starts off my saying (and yes I have it memorized): "Girls...don't let any man disrespect your relationship and never settle for second best." It goes on to say that they believe that girls should be treated with "respect and honor" and like princesses. Throw "we believe there's a God who knows you're priceless" in there and I'm in tears. Ever since then I have slowly started to believe and build on the idea that I am priceless, and one of these days God is going to send along someone who believes the same thing. The two guys mentioned above didn't respect or honor me, and they definitely didn't treat me like I was priceless. Instead of me doubting what I'm worth, they should be the ones who feel like crap on the inside. Now I can finally say that I am at a place where I love myself. There's definitely aspects about me that I'm not thrilled about, but slowly and surely I am starting to accept myself and love myself for who I am.

"I love the person I am because I fought to become her."

"Mirror mirror, mirror on the wall/telling those lies/pointing out your flaws/that isn't who you are/it might be hard to hear but let me tell you dear/if you could see what I can see/I know you would believe that isn't who you are/there's more to who you are. So when it's late/you're wide awake/too much to take/don't you dare forget that in the pain/you can be brave/and safe.

I see you dressed in white/every wrong made right/I see a rose in bloom at the site of you/OH SO PRICELESS/irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable/darling it's beautiful/I see it all in you/OH SO PRICELESS."-Priceless by For KING & Country 

Forever The Hope In My Heart

Happy New Year! I hope your troubles last as long as your New Year's Resolutions...just kidding! I hope your troubles last as long as the average resolutions and you destroy your own resolutions. It's been a while since I've come up with something on this blog so I figured Christmas break was a good time to do so, especially since my last post wasn't exactly positive.

The semester is over, praise God, and I did great on my finals. I've been enjoying relaxing at home, working, and going to see family for Christmas and New Years. Today's topic is about moving on. This is a tricky one, but a new year is a new chance to forget and past and push towards the future. Those who know me will know that I have a very hard time moving on. I hold grudges, that's definitely not a secret. One of my resolutions this year has been to stop living in the past. You can read a million quotes on Pinterest about moving on, but it's way easier said than done. Due to how my wonky brain works, I tend to re-live or have what I call flashbacks about not so pleasant things in my past. This usually leaves me very upset and sleep-less. I can't stop the thoughts that come into my brain, but I can stop myself from dwelling on those thoughts. While not dwelling on the past is something that I would love to do, I've never been able to actually do it. Well not until New Year's Eve that is.

I was driving home from work on New Year's Eve and listening to my driving playlist. There is a song called "Scandal of Grace" by Hillsong United that I have sang multiple times at The Salt Company at school. This song had been coming up on my playlist a lot lately; I usually skipped it because the melody is kind of slow but coincidentally, I have been out of skips on Spotify every time this song comes on. Since I've been "forced" to listen to, the lyrics started to stick out to me more:

Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that cross
Accused in absence of wrong
My sin washed away in Your blood
Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
And mercy, my heart now to sing
The day and its trouble shall come
I know that Your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
And it's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of Your love that my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

Nice lyrics right? There's no human explanation for what happened on New Year's Eve, but while listening to this song, it all suddenly made sense. Why on earth am I re-living the past? Jesus' love and grace has washed all of that away. Yes, a lot of bad things happened in 2015. I definitely didn't praise God when He deserved praise. I said things to people that were not very nice. I lost two friendships. I had suicidal thoughts. At times I was a very evil person, but grace and forgiveness washes all those things away! Of course, God's grace doesn't mean we can all run around saying and doing whatever we please. His grace catches us when we know we've messed up and we feel awful about it.

So instead of constantly playing over scenes of dark times or reading through old messages, I'm going to live in the grace that God has given me. To God, every day is like January 1st. His love, grace, and mercy will never run out or give up on us. No matter what our pasts include, God gives us a fresh start and a clean slate all the time. Why focus on so much bad in the past when there is this beautiful and incredible gift of grace that God has given us?! The concept of having an unlimited number of "second chances" gives me so much hope. That's why I titled this blog after one of the key phrases in the song: forever the hope in my heart. Everything that makes up God: His love, power, justice, mercy, and forgiveness should give us hope.

 I want to make 2016 a year of new beginnings, new friendships, new loves, new discoveries, and new experiences. I also want to work towards accepting and loving myself. I definitely have a lot of weirdness and flaws, but guess what? The Creator of the universe loves and accepts me just the way I am!

Have a great 2016 and always remember that writing down your experiences is very healing and therapeutic :)

Thanks for reading, you lovely human being!
Sarah

Living That Chronic Illness Life

August 2015

Well my friends, I think this is going to be as good as it gets. From what I've read, there is no magical cure for depression and anxiety. It's something you have to manage. Hmmmm...does that sounds familiar to you? Celiac disease. No cure; manage it with your diet. IBS. No cure but meds to take the pain away; you still have to manage all the lovely side effects. Gastroparesis. Definitely no cure; eat smaller meals to manage it. Gastritis. No cure; manage it by taking pills to reduce acid. Depression and anxiety; no cure but be observant to what makes you worse, take medication, and try a slew of natural remedies. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). No cure; learn how to avoid your triggers for management. Notice a theme? I think sometimes we focus too much on getting rid of the problem. However, some things in life we can't just get rid of. Realizing that every single day I manage the symptoms of seven chronic illnesses, it's no wonder that I'm so exhausted in the evenings. I read in one of my "self-help books" about how much energy a person uses fighting illness. Managing chronic illness is exhausting. What gives me comfort is that my body is used to managing things that aren't right in my body. Recently, I've had very good days! I don't burst into tears over nothing, and I haven't been too anxious to leave my house. There are still "bad" moments though, especially at night. Is that any different from managing IBS? I've had good days where my digestion agrees with me and then bad days where I swear I can literally feel my colon clamping down. A huge blessing that has come from my health journey is my body's ability to cope and manage. That's why I love this quote so much:

 

I know I can survive anything. I've often given myself this pep talk before. I'll say to myself, 'if you've had your stomach cut open and your gall bladder removed, you can take this organic chemistry test.'

 

One thing I want to make clear is to never let what you manage control your life and who you are. I drug two containers of Miralax and extra prescription medicines across the ocean to England. Nothing is ever going to stand in my way. Not my health, my medicines, my restricted diet, or my past is going to keep me from pursuing my dreams and goals. This determination combined with the ability to survive anything is pure power, and it isn't just for me. No matter what you've been through or what's happened to you, you have the ability and skill to survive. Even if you don't feel like it, I can promise you it's there.

(or man!)

 

So embrace yourself! Even if it seems like nothing is going your way, your situation now is preparing you for the future. Life is going to take unexpected turns, but you will always have what you need to survive. Just stay positive. I could easily complain about how much I hate my life (which I do sometimes, when I'm having a bad day), but every day I have a choice to either stay inside and take pills or bring my pills with me because I'm managing these chronic illnesses and I'm still out there swinging. There came a time when I finally accepted my health journey. It look a long time, and there are still aspects of my health journey that I want to fight, but it's in the past and I've become a stronger person because of it. Eventually I will accept my mental health diagnosis as well, and I'll become accustomed to managing the symptoms, just like I've had to do in the past. The key is recognizing what you have to manage and coming up with ways to manage it.

 

All of what I just said is easier said than done. Some days I feel very overwhelmed with everything that I have to do to manage my chronic illnesses. Other days it's a breeze. It all goes back to managing. Not every day is going to be perfect or the same as the day before. I try to take one day at a time and not worry about tomorrow. I put my trust in God because I know He has a plan for me so huge that I can't even imagine it tonight. I know that God has planned every minute of every day, every tear, and every diagnosis. I know He is with me all the time and loves me very much. I know that God has a reason for why I live with seven chronic medical conditions and His reasoning will always work out for the good. This faith in God is what brings me peace about my health and the future. With God on my side, the ability to survive anything, and a huge dose of determination, I know the possibilities are endless.  

 







When The Meds Don't Work And You Have To Try Again

July 2015

Hi friends, family, and followers! I've been doing alright, maybe even a little bit better. I stopped taking my medicine for depression and anxiety and instead increased the low dose antidepressant I have been taking for IBS. I've had three very good days, which are like bright rays of sunshine. I've had lots of thoughts on my mind lately, and thought I would share them here.

 Self-help books are amazing. It's okay if you feel weird in the mental health section of the library and pray that you don't see anyone you know. I've checked out 10 books about depression, anxiety, and post traumatic stress disorder. My doctor has mentioned how he thinks talking with a therapist would help me. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeing a therapist, that route is not for me. I felt very empowered with my stack of books and notebook that I take notes in. When I'm having a rough day, reading these books isn't a good idea and I'm better off reading Harry Potter. On days when I'm doing okay, I take immense comfort in the power of knowledge. Maybe it's the science-minded nerd that I am, but I feel so much better knowing how mental health issues happen and why these issues cause the symptoms that they do. The self-help books have also given me good tips to help manage these issues and help me feel like I'm in control. If anyone reading this is and is struggling with a health problem, I strongly suggest finding books to help explain your condition to you. Knowledge is power!

It's okay to feel the things we feel and accept those feelings. A lot of the books I've been reading have emphasized this a lot. It's important that we recognize feelings and accept them. By doing this, we can remember what caused these feelings. If these feelings aren't positive (called triggers), we can remember what caused the feelings and try our best to avoid them. For example, too much noise and stimulation gives me a lot of anxiety so I avoid places/situations that have this effect on me. Even something has simple has pausing the TV while the water in the tea pot is boiling helps me a lot. I've been able to use ear plugs at home when there is a lot of commotion in the house. At the same time, no noise at all makes me uncomfortable and takes me into my "dark place." So if I'm home alone, I watch TV or go workout until someone else is home and I feel comfortable reading.

Reaching out is so important. I've lost track of the times I've excited my mom or a close friend during an anxiety attack. I have also called my mom in a public bathroom stall during an attack. While it's not the same as being with someone else, talking it out can definitely help. There is NO SHAME in this. Reaching out, asking for prayers, or just telling someone of your struggles is not a sign of weakness. It's a sign of strength: you know you can't do this on your own and you need help. If anyone treats you differently or doesn't support you, get rid of them instantly.

Never underestimate the power of our five senses. Two of the books I read was about post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). As I've said before, I believe I have PTSD. These books highlighted the role that the five senses (sight, smell, touch, taste, and hearing) play a huge role in PTSD. I've experienced this in a negative way: the sight of the hospital in Iowa City sends me into a panic attack; the taste of applesauce and jello reminds me of how much I ate those foods when I was sick. I'll skip the fascinating science behind this, but if you're interested, check out Recovering From Trauma and PTSD and The Everything Guide to Overcoming PTSD. These senses are so powerful when it comes to bringing back bad memories, but I've been blessed to have these senses contribute to bringing me out of an anxiety attack and calming me down: the hospital that I work at uses the same soap that my pediatricians and pediatric GI doctor use. When I randomly smelled my hands at work one day, I immediately felt a calm and peaceful vibe come over me. I didn't put it together until later on in the day, but the smell of that soap reminds me of my doctors. I spent a lot of time with these guys, and what do doctors always do when they see a patient? Wash their hands. My brain associates the smell of that soap with the feeling of peace and safety that those doctors gave me. Whenever I was with them, I felt well cared for. I've been "stealing" this soap from the bathrooms in the hospital and smell it whenever I'm feeling anxious. Sure enough, it works. Every. Single. Time. Now, of course, what kind of sick and messed up person gets comfort from the smell of doctors? I do! Depending on the day, I either burst out laughing or into tears when I have to smell my soap because it is a little strange, but if it works I don't care how crazy it seems!

I'm learning that living with mental health issues is a struggle, especially when the medicine isn't working fast enough, but the burden of living with these issues can be lessened by learning how to cope with these issues in a way that works for you.

Again, thanks for reading! Hopefully these posts are sounding more positive!

Sarah :)

Blessing In The Battle

July 2015

I'm not going to sugar coat anything: as of tonight, I am not doing well. I feel as if the depression has reached an all time low. The medicine my doctor was very confident in didn't work. While there has been a slight decrease in my symptoms, it was never consistent. As of tonight, I am weaning off that medicine and trying something new tomorrow. Today was a really bad day. I'll spare the depressing details but say that I found myself wishing none of this had ever happened. My pediatrician is at the same hospital and office building where my health story took place. Normally this doesn't bother me. In a weird way, I enjoy going to that hospital. It's pretty much my second home, and who doesn't like going home? I have good memories of when I brought cookies to all my doctors and nurses. I still laugh when I think about some of the funny antics of the staff there. However today was different. I was very anxious the entire time there. I kept having PTSD-like flashbacks to the countless times I went into that building sick and hopeless. Suddenly all those happy memories were gone and replaced by dark memories that make me want to run out of the building. That my friends, is what depression does to you. Wishing that it never happened to me won't do anything. It happened. Now I have to live with it. So instead of dwelling on the bad memories and experiences, I wanted to write a post to help me focus on the good memories and blessings that came from my health journey:

*My pediatrician, Dr. S., telling me that it was safe for me to ride all the rides I wanted to at Universal Studios when I had mono
*The percent of people who have died from C.diff is growing, but C.diff didn't kill me
*My first pediatric GI doctor, Dr. D.S., was a quirky little guy with a different personality that always made me laugh
*Going gluten-free and dairy-free has forced me to eat healthier (NOT a reason for going gluten-free though!)
*When Dr. D.S. ran out of ideas, he referred me to an incredible doctor
*This doctor, Dr. Di, gave me a feeling of peace and contentment after the first appointment that I had never felt before when leaving a doctor's office...and called my mom on Labor Day to check on me
*I was tested for Crohn's disease and cancer; both were negative
*Dr. Di's nurse, Nurse J., was easily reached and immediately on it when my mom called saying that I had pain under my right side
*Dr. Di referred me to a great surgeon, Dr. R.
*This surgeon, with his dress pants and scrubs, took my gall bladder out flawlessly and improved my quality of life

*Month by month, my level of nausea dropped, which also improved my quality of life
*Harry Potter is the best distraction
*I truly learned the value of good doctors in January 2012
*Dr. S. came to my rescue when my colon was impacted
*The floor I was hospitalized on was so bright and clean
*Dr. Di was my doctor again and put me on the right medicine that gave me back my life
*I was finally able to deliver my cookie platters and thank my heroes
*I was able to make the Build-A-Bear that I had been dreaming of
*Dr. Di correctly diagnosed and treated me when my stomach problems returned
*Throughout my journey, my faith in God grew tremendously
*I have a great relationship with my mom
*I have a cat who knows exactly when to comfort me
*I have family members across the country who prayed for me
*I have my best friend, Elizabeth, who is always there for me
*I have a sister-in-law who understands me so well and is always encouraging
*My health problems have lead me down the career path that I already love
*Being gluten-free has introduced me to two of my best friends
*My health care team is amazing; they're like family to me











"All our sickness, all our sorrow
Jesus carried up the hill
He has walked this path before us
He is walking with us still
Turning tragedy to triumph
Turning agony to pain
There is blessing in the battle
So take heart and stand amazed." 

Invisible Illness & My Journey

June 2015

Hello friends!
 Not too much change here unfortunately. I'm now up to 20mg of my "happy pills". I've had some occasional bursts of energy in the past few days so I'm hoping the next couple days/weeks will be more positive than the last. If I can stay distracted and busy, the anxiety and sadness doesn't bother me as much. The increased dose is definitely affecting my ultra sensitive stomach. I don't have much of an appetite and my stomach hurts almost constantly. I've been using my previous techniques to help relieve this annoying side effect.

My main purpose for writing this post is to release some thoughts and feelings that have been going through my mind lately. If you see a picture of me, you would never guess that I have four chronic digestive disorders, depression, anxiety, and a touch of PTSD. A picture doesn't show that my small intestine can't absorb gluten or that my colon randomly pinches and gives me pain. You can't tell from a picture that the inside of my stomach is inflamed and I have low stomach acid. You also can't tell that my entire digestive track moves so slowly that I never feel hungry or that I don't have a gall bladder. You definitely can't tell from a picture that I have low serotonin levels in my brain. I have what is called an Invisible Illness, and multiple of them. Just because I look healthy and happy on the outside doesn't mean that's what is going on inside. A popular quote tells us not to judge others because we don't know what battle they are fighting. Since I've gotten sick, I've been more observant about this and am trying to be less judgmental of others. Just because these illnesses are invisible doesn't mean they can't be talked about. I'm a big fan of spreading awareness about my conditions. My motto is, "If you got it, flaunt it. No shame." There is no reason why I should hide what I've been through and what I struggle with now. I know writing this blog has been able to help others who are going through the same thing, and I'm beyond thankful that I have the opportunity to do this.  

Since all my health issues are invisible, it can be easy to be occupied with the present and not the past. It's been almost three years since I was finally healthy in August of 2012. A lot has happened in those three years. Yet there are daily reminders of my health journey everywhere. I have four scars on my stomach from my surgery, my mask from the surgery is hanging in my room, my artwork with prescription labels is also in my room, and I always sleep with my teddy bear dressed in scrubs. All these reminders are so familiar to me now. However, last week I was going through one of my dresser drawers when I found my collection of hospital bracelets with my name, age, DOB, and doctor's name on it. I was already having an emotional day, and this tipped me over the edge. My mom came upstairs to find me surrounded by these paper bracelets and sobbing. I felt like I had finally moved past everything that had happened to me and it all came rushing back. All these images flashed through my mind of me sitting in freezing cold hospital waiting rooms for a test that might give me an answer to what was wrong. I saw myself reading Harry Potter while dressed in nothing but a hospital gown waiting for my second endoscopy and first colonoscopy. I remembered when I got sick the second time around (after being healthy for eight months) and reading a book about British monarchs once again dressed in a hospital gown and waiting for my third endoscopy and second colonoscopy. It's no wonder why I feel I have post-traumatic stress disorder. Don't even get my started on the trip to hell and back when I went to see Dr. Satan in Iowa City. There are "triggers" that get my mind fixed on that nightmare, and I can't do anything to stop that. Don't get me wrong, there are a million positive blessings that came from my health journey, and I thank God for them all the time. Looking at the facts though, there are memories and aspects of my health journey that cause emotional distress when I dwell on them. I don't know what causes this or if it will ever go away, but I think of my health journey as an ever-present companion that I carry with me, for better and for worse.

Thanks for reading,
Sarah