"Quiet! Be still!"

October 2016

Mark 4:35-41:

 That day when evening came, He said to His disciples, “Let us go over to the other side.” Leaving the crowd behind, they took Him along, just as He was, in the boat. There were also other boats with Him. A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke Him and said to Him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?”

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.

He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?”

 They were terrified and asked each other, “Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey Him!”

Junior Year
First off, I don't know how I'm a junior. After this semester, I only have three semesters of my college education left. Yes, that is absolutely terrifying and kind of exciting. I've been spending the first nine weeks of this semester thinking about and processing everything that has happened since I came to college. There's been a lot of pain, confusion, hurt, and sorrow. I was distressed over thinking about what my memories of college will be when I leave in May, 2018. Would I be able to think about the laughs, great opportunities, amazing friends, and fun experiences? Or would I only be able to focus on the negative things that were said, the friends who walked away, the dark days, the endless anxiety, all the panic attacks, and the pain from other people's sins? After the first week of classes, I came to a very heartbreaking and troubling conclusion: a terrible sin had been committed against me freshman year. Realizing thing led me down a dark path of depression, fear, panic, shame and doubt that rocked and shattered my world. How could a God who loved me enough to die for me cause something horrible to happen to me? As I cried out to God, He seemed very distant. I asked Him for guidance and for even a small sign that He was still with me, but all I heard was nothing. This made me seriously question my faith. I didn't take comfort in reading the Bible or listening to Christian music. I found myself feeling angry towards God and resenting Him like I never had before. This caused even more panic and confusion. Did I still believe in God? Was He still involved in my life?

Two of my sweet connection group friends

Thankfully, I have an army of friends who know and love Jesus more than anyone else. They were able to encourage me, pray for me, and remind me of God's truths and promises. I am involved in the Salt Company through my university. Salt is a very large (we're talking almost 2,000 students) Christian ministry. It meets on Thursday and then there are smaller groups (called connection groups) that meet in dorms/apartments on campus and off campus. Sophomore year, I was involved in two different connection groups that just weren't the right fit for me. I wasn't able to truly share my struggles with my mental and physical health without feeling judged and unsupported. So obviously, I was very hesitant to join a connection group this year. I told one of my dear friends about my worries, and she recommended a group that meets at the on campus apartments. I didn't really want to go, but I knew falling away from Christian community would make my life even more miserable. As it turns out, this connection group is literally sent from God. I've only known the 10 or so girls involved in the group for nine weeks, but I feel so supported and loved by them. I have shared about my struggle with doubting in God and those struggles were met with pure love, support, and encouragement. Having a loving and stable environment to go to every Monday evening has helped me so much! Another part of the Salt Company, is the famous Fall Retreat at a campground. This year's retreat was my first time going. Again, I didn't really want to go, but felt I should. I get very anxious and overwhelmed in large crowds so I was worried about that (since 900 students attend this retreat!), and I would be away from my emotional support animal Roger all day. The retreat brought in a speaker and there was four sessions over the weekend. During a very loud and rowdy game of volleyball, I got super overwhelmed and needed to find a quiet place. So I found a place under a big tree and started reading the passage from the morning's session on fear. The passage came from Mark 4:35-41. The story of Jesus calming the storm is very familiar to me; I only learned it 400 times in Sunday school. While reading through it, I began to see a lot of similarities between this iconic story and my own story.

Jesus' and His disciples were in the middle of a storm (called a squall in this passage) in the middle of the ocean. I can only imagine there was lots of lightening, thunder, rain, and huge waves. I think we can all agree that they were probably very scared. After all, this storm could potentially kill them. So where was Jesus? He was sleeping on a cushion. His disciples were confused; how could Jesus be sound asleep when everyone was about to drown?! So they take Jesus up, asking Him if He cares if they drown. Jesus then tells the storms to be "quiet! Be still!" and the storm obeys. Then Jesus asks His disciples why they are so afraid and asks if they still don't have faith? The disciples are in shock that even winds and waves obey Jesus. I am definitely in the middle of a storm. For me, the storm isn't thunder, lightening, rain, and wind. It's fear, hopelessness, doubt, anxiety, confusion, guilt, and anger. For eight weeks, I felt like God was sleeping. I didn't feel any connection to Him or comfort from Him, and that terrified me. Just like the disciples, I questioned my fate and God's plan for my life. Was He just going to let me "drown" in the storm?

"Quiet! Be still!"

Right after I discovered the connection

this passage and my own story

All Jesus has to do is tell the storm to stop. When He asks His disciples why they were so afraid, He also asks if they still don't have faith. The word "still" really stuck out to me. I've been through a lot: six years of managing seven chronic physical conditions and three mental conditions, I almost lost my grandpa three years ago, family conflict, friends leaving me, and the challenges that have come with going to college. But guess what? I'm still here. God has brought me through all of that and more. So why am I doubting Him? If God can get me through all of that, what was making me think He couldn't bring me through this?

"Even the winds and waves obey Him."

Water is the most powerful force on earth. Jesus is so powerful that He can calm waves in the midst of a storm! Spend a few minutes and try to wrap your mind around that. The point is, if He can calm the most powerful force on earth, surely He can calm the storm that is raging inside of me.

After reading this passage and reflecting on how it applies to me, I was filled with unexplainable hope and confidence in God. I felt like the thing that I had been missing for the first eight weeks of school was finally returned to me. Throughout the rest of the retreat and on my drive back to school that night, I couldn't stop smiling...even though half the time I was crying because I'm just an emotional soul who cries at pretty much anything. I can't express enough how impactful the Fall Retreat and my experiences within the Salt Company have been for me. God is absolutely working wonders through all of this, and I'm eternally thankful.

At the Salt Company Fall Retreat with my connection group

The End is Just a New Beginning

May 2016

Beginning, just let that word wash over you

It's all right now; love's healing hands have pulled you through

So get back up, take step one, leave the darkness and feel the sun

Because your story is far from over, and your journey has just begun

Well, friends, I am halfway done with my college education. Yes, I am terrified and excited about that. I am pursuing a degree in Dietetics and Child, Adult, and Family Services. I was officially accepted into my program as well as my college's honor society. I finished the year without failing any of my classes and made some new friends this semester. When I finished my freshman year, I didn't want to leave campus and my friends. My thoughts about my sophomore year ending couldn't be any more opposite. I was dying to leave. I enjoyed packing because it went I was getting closer to leaving. Once I was finally freed after my last final and could go home, I unpacked everything in under 48 hours. See, the ending of this school year means a new beginning for me. A new beginning to start fresh, rest, renew my passion for working in a hospital, and get a break from the stresses and anxieties of school. Sophomore year was pretty bad; there was definitely good moments, memories, and things I learned, but overall it was pretty crappy. I learned a lot though and more than just nutrition and microbes. Below are a list of things I've learned and how learning those things has made me feel like a completely different person than I was a year ago:

1. Take Care of Yourself....and walk away from toxic people

Everybody knows how important it is to take care of yourself in college, especially if you're managing chronic illness. There's another type of self-care though. It's called self-respect. Throughout my sophomore year, I can think of multiple "friends" who ended up not being so friendly after all. I was heartbroken each and every time one of these people crossed the line, went too far, or said something deeply hurtful. I found myself wanting to do everything in my power to keep their friendship. Then I realized, why am I using my limited amount of time and energy to try and convince someone to keep being friends with me? After realizing this, I began to see these conflicts as not my fault-but theirs. One of my good friends pointed this out to me also. I told her about all the drama with each friend, and she said: "Sarah, you realize none of that is your fault right?" I don't know why I was blaming myself and taking responsibility for their lack of maturity or understanding. After this I really started to examine the "friendships" I had with people, and it turns out some of them were pretty toxic. I started to have more respect and love for myself and walk away from the "friends" who were actually "people I know."

2. Emotional Attachments are Dangerous

This lesson goes along with number one. I realized towards the end of the year that the girl who was my first friend at college and who I loved dearly wasn't actually that good of a friend to me. She had made me feel bad for choices I've made, disrespected my faith and political views, and was far from understanding during a crisis moment in life. I still wanted to view her as the nice girl I met freshman year, but she isn't that same person! It took a friend to finally say: "Sarah...do you have to be friends with this person??" to see that just because someone is your BFF freshman year, doesn't mean they're always going to stay like that. That's when I discovered that I make emotional attachments with people. This has put me in a bad position and unhealthy relationship several times before.  

3. Take Time to Love Yourself

Let's be honest: I manage celiac disease, IBS, gastritis, gastroparesis, hypoglycemia, slow transit constipation, myofascial pain syndrome, depression, anxiety, and panic disorder. Yes, 10 chronic illnesses. That's a lot not only for me to manage but for others to manage. Sometimes I catch myself thinking something along the lines of, maybe so-and-so said that hurtful thing because she couldn't handle me being sick. If this is true, I can only hope not, but I definitely struggle with self-esteem and wondering if people like me or if I tell them I have 10 chronic illnesses, they'll run the other direction. This kind of stuff will destroy you. Towards the end of the semester, I decided to set aside time for myself. I treated myself to nice coffee (decaf, because caffeine, anxiety, and hypoglycemia do not mix well at all) drink, did something I enjoyed, wrote down a list of what I like about myself, or went on a quiet walk all by myself. I think I'm slowly getting to a place where I am more accepting and loving of myself. Instead of thinking, what is this person going to think when I talk about my health, I think, maybe I'll be able to touch or help someone else by sharing my health. My health doesn't define my life, but it is part of it. If someone can't handle that, they can leave.

4. Be Yourself

I used to hide the fact that I'm gluten-free. I used to avoid talking about my anxiety. I used to purposely not say anything about my emotional support animal who lives in the dorms with me. That was exhausting! One time I "accidentally" mentioned something about my cat--and guess what? The world didn't explode! The girl I was talking to was actually really interested in my cat and thought it was SO COOL that I could have my cat with me. After that, I realized it was okay to be myself and not try to hide what is a big part of my life. Being more authentic and honest has helped me accept myself and has also helped open doors to great discussions with others!

5. Boys Complicate Things-stick to brothers

Having a boyfriend or "talking" to a guy is great and exciting, but it is also stressful, time-consuming, and complicated. I've experienced this a couple times (and it ended in a flaming train wreck), and I've witnessed friends experience it (and seen it end in a flaming train wreck). You know what's really great though? Having guys that are more like brothers to you. Call me crazy, but this is actually great. My brother lives two hours away so I don't get to see him much. Thankfully I've been able to meet some XY species at college who I think of as brothers. There is absolutely zero attraction there so I don't have to worry about that; instead I think of them as my brothers. They are all followers of Christ as well, and I can ask for prayers or advice from them. Nobody gets lead on, hurt, or upset. Everybody is just friends-brothers and sisters in Christ.

So there you have it! Summer is a new beginning. By the grace of God, I survived sophomore year and am on to bigger and better things.

It's Not Over Yet,

Sarah

Roger Gene: My Furry Fighter for Happiness

Prepare yourself for an overload of cuteness. If you know me at all, chances are you know about Roger. In case you don't (plus I just love sharing our story), here's a recap:

First picture

The first three weeks of my sophomore year were some of the worst weeks of my life. This is a happy post so we're not going into detail, but I knew that I would be able to sleep better and cope with life better if I had my kitty with me. Oliver is my cat at home; he's been with us for almost 12 years. When I was sick in college, Oliver was a constant companion who slept with me, snuggled with me, and could sense when I wasn't feeling good or sad. So how does one get a cat into a college dorm? Thanks to my amazing hall director, I talked with the folks at the student disability resources on campus. They were able to give me the exact documentation that my doctor needed to provide. It took two tries, but my superhero doctor was able to provide the correct documentation needed to bring a cat into the dorm to work as an emotional support animal. As much as I missed my Oliver, I knew he would not be happy in a dorm. He's been living the sweet life for almost 12 years and was getting very spoiled by my parents. I was worried that bringing him to college would stress him out and he would die. Obviously, that would do nothing to help me. So I came up with Plan B: adopt a new cat. The day after I got the "okay" to bring a cat into my dorm, my mom and one of my best friends went to an animal shelter close to my house. It was a complete downpour, but I would have walked through a blizzard to get a cat. We told the sweet girl who was working at the shelter that we were looking for an older cat who was declawed. We explained that the cat would be living in a dorm and acting as an emotional support animal. The first cat I visited was a massive black cat who didn't like to be picked up because he was so fat. I petted the cat and he glared at me. That definitely wasn't going to work. The second cat was a little bit more friendly, but didn't like to be held and liked to "play bite" which translated into the cat chewing on my hand. I remember looking at my mom and shaking my head. I was starting to get worried that I wouldn't find a cat. Plus I felt terrible rejecting the other two cats. My mom asked the girl if there were any other cats.

Car ride home

"Hmmm...I can show you Roger." She went on to explain that Roger was only three years old and had his claws but he was very sweet and liked to cuddle. As we walked towards the kennel, a brown and black cat let out a loud meow and jumped from the floor on to the side of the kennel. Holding on my his paws, he meowed at me. My friend laughed out loud and said, "this is the one!" As soon as I picked him up, I knew that he would be coming to live with me. Roger started to purr right away and loved to be held. Go ahead and call me cheesy, but I had tears in my eyes when I told the girl that I would take him. She said we could change his name, but Roger seemed like a good fit. Roger came from a cat hoarder house. The girl working didn't tell us how many cats were there, but about a month before he was adopted there was a story about a house with 40 cats living in it. Because of this, Roger was used to eating as much food as possible and as quickly as possible. This isn't good for his tummy so we were encouraged to feed him smaller meals throughout the day.  this going to work? After we were finished, we went back to Roger's kennel. I got to put him in a box and carry him out of the shelter. I felt like a new parent: scared but happy. My mom had to pay for him and I had to sign a bunch of forms. The whole time I was wondering, is at the same time. It was still raining so my mom went to drive the car around. Roger tried to break out of his box, which scared the living crap out of me and my friend. Once in the car, Roger meowed for a while before climbing in my lap. We took him to the vet to him checked out. He passed with flying colors and slept on my lap the whole way back to school. Once we got him in the building, he explored his new room (my single dorm room). My mom stayed for a while until we were both settled. After she left, I put in a Jane Austen movie and just watched Roger. He adapted immediately and was giving himself a bath, purring, and sleeping on the bed. Two nights after I got Roger, I slept through the night for the first time in one month!

First night at college!

In the six and a half months that I've had Roger, my quality of life has improved so much. Not only am I sleeping amazingly better, but Roger has been able to help me through panic attacks and moments of high stress and/or emotion. Two of the greatest feelings in the world are when he greets me meowing at the door and when he holds my hand when I'm sleeping. I'm so incredibly thankful for his presence; we rescued each other. Living in a cat hoarder house and then a small kennel with two other cats must have been rough. It makes me so happy to see Roger sleeping on my bed or in my window, where cats belong. Roger loves to eat so he always makes sure I get out of bed to feed him. He knows when I'm upset; he always comes over to me, licks my hand or face, and purrs. Sometimes he'll act really silly and and roll around on the floor while meowing at me, which always makes me laugh.

One of my favorite pictures

Having a cat in the dorms has worked really well. I've only had two negative encounters with people who didn't know what to say about Roger so they said the wrong thing, but other than that everyone has been excited there's a cat and glad that I have him with me. Roger has a steady fan club and his own Instagram account (the_rog1029), follow him! :) So there you go, that's the story of my furry fighter for happiness!

It's Not Over Yet,
Sarah (and Roger Gene)

Just a few of my favorite pictures :) 

All I Want Is Freedom

March 2016

"All I want is freedom...a day with no more night." These words are sang beautifully in the song All I Ask of You in Andrew Lloyd Weber's musical, Phantom of the Opera. My family has always loved this musical; my brother and his wife danced to his song at their wedding; I recently discovered a connection with this song while playing it on my piano over spring break. Ideally, this song is sang by a young woman sharing her love to her sweetheart. Gag. Yeah, it would be nice to have a sweetheart to sing sweet lyrics to, but that's not happening anytime soon so I looked at the lyrics, especially the lyric quoted above, as a way to express something that has been happening frequently with me: panic attacks.

Panic Attacks
Google defines panic attack as a "sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety." Google definitely nailed this one. I would describe a panic attack as what you feel when you're home all alone and hear a door shut upstairs. However, much more intense and lasts longer. Each person is different, but since I'm pretty much an open book, I'll describe my symptoms for you:

• Intense fear 
• Inability to breathe normally or at all
• Shaking
• Racing heart
• All my muscles tense
• Inability to swallow or talk
• No sense of control of anything
• Inability to move
• Crying

Sounds like a blast right? If I wasn't so used to panic attacks, I would probably think I was dying. In October, I was diagnosed with panic disorder by a counselor. I knew I had been having panic attacks since the summer, but having another diagnosis wasn't encouraging. I try not to keep track of how many panic attacks I have, but I've been having more than I ever had in the past month and a half. 

Why?

Again, each person is different. All of my panic attacks have been triggered by something. This something can be seeing a person or place with a bad memory, smelling something, tasting something, seeing a picture of someone or a picture of someone who looks like somebody else, memories, etc. While it definitely sucks, I know of people who have panic attacks and have no idea why. At least with me, I can try my very best to avoid situations and/or people that could possibly trigger a panic attack. I don't understand a lot about the brain, but I do know that different parts of our brain react and remember things. So while I fully know that I am in no danger when I have a bad memory or see a picture of someone who looks like somebody else, my brain tells me the opposite (thanks brain). I don't think I've ever had a panic attack triggered by my health journey (see other blogs), with the exception of Dr. Satan in Iowa City. All of my triggers come from my freshman year of college and last semester. I'll spare both of us the probably-panic-attack-inducing details, but I want to reassure you that I am safe place now and am slllllloooowwwwllllyyy working towards being in a healthier mental place as well :)

Panic Attack Coping 101

Roger Gene

I'm still pretty new at this whole panic attack life so I'm still learning how I cope best. I got through the vast majority of panic attacks on my own  by the power of God, but lately I've been blessed with people who have been able to come to me and help me out. Whether it's my mom, my best friend Ellen, or a woman who works with the campus ministry at my college, these people have been there almost every time. Trying to remember to breathe on your own is pretty hard so having someone to lean on always helps. And of course, there's always my Roger. Roger is my beloved emotional support animal. During a recent attack, I couldn't breathe until my mom laid him in my arms. Even touching him during an attack helps. If I'm not with Roger, I will look at the 400+ pictures of him I have on my phone, and that also helps. Music is another powerful aide. During one attack when I was on my own, I listed to the song Shoulders by my favorite band, For KING & COUNTRY over and over again until I felt better. Recovering from panic attacks is also a challenge. I always feel very disorientated, guilty, emotional, sore, and dead tired. Coloring really helps me focus on something else while my body is transitioning back into a normal state. I always listen to my For KING & COUNTRY playlist, which has been a lifeline in so many situations, to help settle my mind and spirit. I'm a big believer in aromatherapy. I've mentioned in previous blogs about smelling the soap that my two favorite doctors use, and recently I discovered the calming properties of lavender essential oil (side note: if anyone is interested in essential oils, my sister-in-law is a freaking genius and has her own essential oil business; she will be able to help you!). Smelling these two scents has been able to help calm me when I'm anxious as well as recover after a panic attack. Going back to triggers, I can never predict when I'm going to see/hear/taste/smell something that will trigger an attack. However, lately I've been able to stop four panic attacks before they've happened! I may not feel like I'm making any progress but that is pretty huge! I can usually sense an attack coming if I've been having lots of bad memories/flashbacks all day. When I start to feel anxious and have trouble breathing, I do lots of things. I put my earbuds and my trusty For KING & COUNTRY playlist in. I start praying. I smell my doctor soap and spray my lavender essential oil on myself. I look at pictures of Roger. I reach out to others through text message or if I'm with someone I tell them what's going on (if they're one of the blessings God has put in my life).

What Can You Do?

Ah yes. A very few select people have been with me when I'm having a panic attack. Three to be exact. This is pure pride talking, but I don't want people to see me in the state I'm in when I'm having a panic attack. Unless you're one of these three Godly women, you would probably think I'm dying if you saw me having a panic attack. I'm sure it's incredibly difficult to know what to do in a situation like mine. The people who have been with me have all done the same things:

• They pray with me
• They hold me
• They speak the truth
• They don't panic (or at least don't show it!)
• They understand
• They encourage me and don't belittle me

The support and love these women have showed me during what I would call the worst moments of my life has been an incredible thing to witness. One time I was having a panic attack in a bathroom on campus. I texted one of my friends and she immediately called me. Of course I didn't want to pick up because I was embarrassed (hello again pride) but I did, and I discovered that I actually recovered faster because talking forced me to breathe. I'll never be able to tell these people how grateful I am for their presence during these moments.  I've also been blessed with friends who know what I just experienced and offer comfort while recovering. I really like hugs. Like I really really enjoy hugging. It's just wonderful. After every attack that's happened recently, there have been people around to hug me. At home it was my mom (and she hugs me a lot; I love it), but at school it's been my amazing friends. Even though it's hard to admit to people that I'm struggling, the understanding, compassion, support, and love from my friends are so rewarding. 

What Now?

Like with everything else related to my health, I have NO idea how long I'll be having panic attacks, and I don't like to think about it. One time during an attack, my mom told me this: "take it one second at a time." That's been my motto with life in general ever since. I never want to be that person who doesn't do anything because there's a possibility that she could have a panic attack. I've been that person before, and I don't like her. That's not who I am. Yes, bad things have happened to me. Yes, these things have obviously left a mark on me, mentally. Am I still a full time college student? Yes. Am I still studying hard to be a pediatric dietitian? Yes. Am I still a child of God, deeply loved and cherished by Him? Yes. No matter what happens to me, nothing will change that. My identity isn't found in what has happened to me, and it isn't found in my panic attacks. Satan wants me to believe that because I have panic attacks, I'm not a good enough Christian. There was a time after an attack when I believed that. I thought maybe I didn't pray enough or try hard enough. When I voiced my concern to a friend, my friend helped me realize that none of that was true! My friend told me to rest in Jesus and what He has already done. 

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present of the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."-Romans 8:38-39

The thing that I love about the verse above is I can identify with every possible thing that could separate me from God. Literally, everything! The great thing is that NONE of it ever will separate me from my Heavenly Father.

The purpose of writing this post was to

 1) inform and educate others on panic attacks

 2) share a bit of my story, which ultimately brings more healing to me and hopefully more understanding the hurricane that is my world :P

3) to help stop the stigma associated with panic attack and other mental health disorders. 

Like I said earlier, this demon doesn't identify me or change who I am and it certainly won't separate me from the love and grace of God.

It's Not Over Yet.

It Has Changed Me

January 2016

"He hasn't ruined you. You're living proof of that." 

"No, but he has changed me."

{Downton Abbey, season 6}

One of my New Years Resolutions was to "accept my flaws and weirdness". Yes, that's exactly what I wrote on my mom's cute chalkboard sign. Lately I've been thinking a lot about the interesting little quirks that I have and more importantly, why I have them. Doing this has lead me to realize that all the unique things that make me who I am have come from events in my past. Let's take a peak into the mind of Sarah, a college sophomore with celiac disease, IBS, gastroparesis, gastritis, hypoglycemia, depression, anxiety, panic disorder, and myofascial pain syndrome (new diagnosis...woot!).

-My Physical Health Journey-
*I have an extreme intolerance to people who go gluten free to lose weight and "be healthy."
*I am a million times more compassionate towards people with illness and/or disabilities.
*I have found my true calling in life: to feed premature babies and help kids with digestive disorders.
*I am comforted by the smell of the soap in doctors offices because it reminds me of the pediatrician and pediatric GI doctor.
*I love hospitals. I could spend hours exploring hospitals and learning how they work.
*Being somewhere without food or medicine gives me a lot of anxiety.
*Any new symptom is immediately looked up online and turned into a new diagnosis.
*The Harry Potter series is so special to me because it gives me an escape.
*The hospital in Iowa City gives me immediate panic attacks; even talking about it makes me nervous.
*My heroes all have either M.D. or D.O. behind their names.
*I have a teddy bear named after my doctors, and it's one of my most prized possessions.
*Learning about the human body makes me happy.
*I cry through every children's hospital lip dub video on YouTube.
*I have no problem discussing bowel functions with anyone.
*Even though I've been managing chronic illness for five and a half years, I still get tired of it and miss the person I used to be.

-My Mental Health Journey-
*Roger, my emotional support animal, is my best friend. Mess with him, and I will end you. If you don't like him...I probably don't like you,
*Sometimes I want to cry, but I don't know why.
*Sometimes I feel very nervous for no reason.
*For KING & COUNTRY is so special to me because the lyrics to their songs describe my life perfectly, give me hope, and bring me joy when not much else can [It's Not Over Yet, Busted Heart, Sane, Priceless, Shoulders, Crave, and To The Dreamers].
*I have to protect myself and do what's best for me, even if it means cutting toxic people out of my life.
*I worry about having a panic attack in every situation.
*I really really really really really like hugs....like a lot.
*Even if you can't fix it, I still need love and support from you.
*Reading about the digestive tract calms me down because it's familiar.
*Sometimes I want to go out and be social, but then my social anxiety kicks in.
*My ideal Friday night includes watching a movie with my cat and coloring because I know I won't have a panic attack.
*While I don't have an official diagnosis of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), I do struggle with aspects of PTSD. I have a lot of triggers that take me back to dark places in my past. When this happens, it's hard for me to remember that I'm in the present. I've tried multiple tricks but can never seem to knock this one out. What I need most is support and sympathy during those moments. Sometimes I just need to text my mom and tell her that I'm having flashbacks and then she has some great motherly advice that makes me feel better. Sometimes I just need a hug.
*I struggle with what I'm worth. Living with nine chronic illnesses is definitely very time consuming and as you've read, a big part in who I am today. It's easy for me to think that no man in his right mind would ever want to date, and eventually marry, me. Sometimes I feel very flawed and unaccepted. A lot of this stems from anxiety, as it can twist your brain into believe things that aren't true. I've had encounters with the male species in the past that have not ended well. Both of these losers ended up making me feel like I was nothing more than a person who they could disrespect and dishonor. These two have learned the hard way that I am no such person. However, I went through a bad phase where I didn't consider myself to be anyone special. I figured I was unlovable and just attracted all the losers and cowards and creeps in the world. Then (get ready to go full circle) my mom surprised me with tickets to a concert for my birthday in August. We got to see For KING & COUNTRY at our state fair. I had heard their music (and accents!), and really enjoyed listening to them and the lyrics of their songs. I was completely surprised when they gave their famous "priceless speech" which starts off my saying (and yes I have it memorized): "Girls...don't let any man disrespect your relationship and never settle for second best." It goes on to say that they believe that girls should be treated with "respect and honor" and like princesses. Throw "we believe there's a God who knows you're priceless" in there and I'm in tears. Ever since then I have slowly started to believe and build on the idea that I am priceless, and one of these days God is going to send along someone who believes the same thing. The two guys mentioned above didn't respect or honor me, and they definitely didn't treat me like I was priceless. Instead of me doubting what I'm worth, they should be the ones who feel like crap on the inside. Now I can finally say that I am at a place where I love myself. There's definitely aspects about me that I'm not thrilled about, but slowly and surely I am starting to accept myself and love myself for who I am.

"I love the person I am because I fought to become her."

"Mirror mirror, mirror on the wall/telling those lies/pointing out your flaws/that isn't who you are/it might be hard to hear but let me tell you dear/if you could see what I can see/I know you would believe that isn't who you are/there's more to who you are. So when it's late/you're wide awake/too much to take/don't you dare forget that in the pain/you can be brave/and safe.

I see you dressed in white/every wrong made right/I see a rose in bloom at the site of you/OH SO PRICELESS/irreplaceable, unmistakable, incomparable/darling it's beautiful/I see it all in you/OH SO PRICELESS."-Priceless by For KING & Country 

Forever The Hope In My Heart

Happy New Year! I hope your troubles last as long as your New Year's Resolutions...just kidding! I hope your troubles last as long as the average resolutions and you destroy your own resolutions. It's been a while since I've come up with something on this blog so I figured Christmas break was a good time to do so, especially since my last post wasn't exactly positive.

The semester is over, praise God, and I did great on my finals. I've been enjoying relaxing at home, working, and going to see family for Christmas and New Years. Today's topic is about moving on. This is a tricky one, but a new year is a new chance to forget and past and push towards the future. Those who know me will know that I have a very hard time moving on. I hold grudges, that's definitely not a secret. One of my resolutions this year has been to stop living in the past. You can read a million quotes on Pinterest about moving on, but it's way easier said than done. Due to how my wonky brain works, I tend to re-live or have what I call flashbacks about not so pleasant things in my past. This usually leaves me very upset and sleep-less. I can't stop the thoughts that come into my brain, but I can stop myself from dwelling on those thoughts. While not dwelling on the past is something that I would love to do, I've never been able to actually do it. Well not until New Year's Eve that is.

I was driving home from work on New Year's Eve and listening to my driving playlist. There is a song called "Scandal of Grace" by Hillsong United that I have sang multiple times at The Salt Company at school. This song had been coming up on my playlist a lot lately; I usually skipped it because the melody is kind of slow but coincidentally, I have been out of skips on Spotify every time this song comes on. Since I've been "forced" to listen to, the lyrics started to stick out to me more:

Grace, what have You done?
Murdered for me on that cross
Accused in absence of wrong
My sin washed away in Your blood
Too much to make sense of it all
I know that Your love breaks my fall
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
Death, where is your sting?
Your power is as dead as my sin
The cross has taught me to live
And mercy, my heart now to sing
The day and its trouble shall come
I know that Your strength is enough
The scandal of grace, You died in my place
So my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart
And it's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of You, Jesus
It's all, because of Your love that my soul will live
Oh to be like You
Give all I have just to know You
Jesus, there's no one besides You
Forever the hope in my heart

Nice lyrics right? There's no human explanation for what happened on New Year's Eve, but while listening to this song, it all suddenly made sense. Why on earth am I re-living the past? Jesus' love and grace has washed all of that away. Yes, a lot of bad things happened in 2015. I definitely didn't praise God when He deserved praise. I said things to people that were not very nice. I lost two friendships. I had suicidal thoughts. At times I was a very evil person, but grace and forgiveness washes all those things away! Of course, God's grace doesn't mean we can all run around saying and doing whatever we please. His grace catches us when we know we've messed up and we feel awful about it.

So instead of constantly playing over scenes of dark times or reading through old messages, I'm going to live in the grace that God has given me. To God, every day is like January 1st. His love, grace, and mercy will never run out or give up on us. No matter what our pasts include, God gives us a fresh start and a clean slate all the time. Why focus on so much bad in the past when there is this beautiful and incredible gift of grace that God has given us?! The concept of having an unlimited number of "second chances" gives me so much hope. That's why I titled this blog after one of the key phrases in the song: forever the hope in my heart. Everything that makes up God: His love, power, justice, mercy, and forgiveness should give us hope.

 I want to make 2016 a year of new beginnings, new friendships, new loves, new discoveries, and new experiences. I also want to work towards accepting and loving myself. I definitely have a lot of weirdness and flaws, but guess what? The Creator of the universe loves and accepts me just the way I am!

Have a great 2016 and always remember that writing down your experiences is very healing and therapeutic :)

Thanks for reading, you lovely human being!
Sarah